At Fernbrook Resort Freelton... Building Barriers Makes Senior Chickens Less than Exemplary!

At Fernbrook Resort Freelton... Building Barriers Makes Senior Chickens Less than Exemplary!

Remember when we wrote that Fernbrook Resort had a lot of good eggs?

Well, we're carefully rethinking that decision.

What happened?

Some neighbours put up a short (in length and height) fence on either side of their walk.

And the Result?

Senior chickens at Fernwood Resort have their wings in a flap over the offensive fence.

Why?

Because the fence is there.

But have they bothered to ask the family why they put up the fence? Or have they asked the family to take down the 8 inch high barrier?

No.

Instead, whenever they pass the home they begin loudly squawking "It's terrible!" or "How horrible!" and "Awful isn't it!" PRETENDING THAT THIS LOUDNESS IS THEIR NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE before adding that the fence is blocking the road. One senior chicken even blames the fence for Ebola and the downturn in the Canadian dollar.

Of course I walked over to check out the offensive eyesore that has the senior chickens boo-hoo-hooing into their Metamucil. The barrier is not pretty (though I've seen much worse). But neither is it on the road. The roads at ritzy Fernbrook Resort are pot holes decorated with the odd piece of gravel. Yeah. In fact the potholes at Fernbrook Resort are so deep that the Canadian Olympic Diving Trials have been held here on three separate occasions.

And of course I talked to the neighbour - I was the second to ask about the sudden appearance of the barrier on their 'front lawn'.

And the response.

Thoughtful (yes, that is sarcasm) Fernbrook Resort chickens often park their vehicles, SUV's Cargo trucks etc. on the tiny front lawn (instead of using the parking lot 20 feet away). On a number of occasions they have even blocked the walk to the home.

The barrier was erected in order to discourage these ever so thoughtful chickens from blocking the walk their vehicles.

A simple explanation

But of course the whiny senior chickens at Fernbrook Resort, instead of asking for an explanation, just loudly squawked complaints.

Seriously... what do these old cluckers have to complain about? They're not old enough to have lived through the Depression and they're too young to have served in the Second World War. And though they're not baby boomers they're ridden the crest of the baby boom wave to live the 'Life of Riley'.

But are these spoiled old clucks happy?

No.

Instead they sit on their decks and yell at passing kids to eat their vegetables. They loudly complain that the earth is too round. That ice cream isn't as cold as it was when they were youngsters. That bananas are too yellow. Not like when they were kids and the earth was exactly the correct roundness, ice cream was plenty cold and bananas were a lot less yellow.

And of course they complain that some family put a fence on his front lawn to stop them from parking their clucking cars from blocking their walk.

Why can't the Fernbrook chickens be mmore exemplary? Like Foghorn Leghorn? Or Big Bird? Or his son basketball legend Larry Bird?

Cock-a-doodle... why?

Famous Examples of Exemplary Chickens for Fernbrook Resort in Freelton

Famous Examples of Exemplary Chickens for Fernbrook Resort in Freelton


Well, we've received a large number of anonymous e-mails from chickens (and several from turkeys) accusing the proprietors of this blog of being anti-fowl or 'chickenism'.

Accusations like that are incredibly hurtful!

We thoroughly enjoy chicken. (Especially when accompanied by their neighbour 'stuffing' and their close friend 'the side order of mashed potatoes and gravy'.)

However our detractors may have a point. While there are some truly bad chickens out there... there are also large numbers of exceptinally tasty err... good chickens. Those who would give you the feathers off their backs. So, to clear our proud name of the detestable 'anti-chicken' label, we've decided to make a list of some of the many good chickens we have come to know and love.

Chicken Little
 - was a brave chicken who led many of his friends to their untimely deaths at the hands of the notorious Foxy Loxy. Chicken Little had courage. The courage to publicly stand up for his convictions (as misguided as they later proved to be).      

Foghorn Leghorn
 - was a legendary actor. Yet he never received one Oscar nomination due to the discrimination against chickens that was prevalent in the Hollywood of his day.Yet this foul play did not deter him. He plyed his craft with complete professionalism and to the utmost of his abiltiy with nary a complaint. Today Mr. Leghorn is regarded as a comic genius whose body of work has stood the test of time. In fact he is more popular today then he ever was before.  

Big Bird
 - his stand against the Viet Nam war landed him in jail three different times during the late 1960's. Upon his last release, and finding that his hen had left him for Aloysius Snuffleupagus (whom he later worked with), Big Bird moved to New York City and settled in a nest in an alley on Sesame Street. Where he turned his pacifist views into a television show of the same name. Sesame Street. Today Mr. Bird is a well known anti-war advocate and philanthropist and his eldest son (Larry) is a well known basketball player.

The San Diego Chicken
 - as a flamboyant youngster he was openly mocked for his outrageous dress. Yet this did not deter him. He gained a large measure of fame working for the San Diego Padres (baseball) and, upon his retirement, opened a fashion design store. Today the San Diego Chicken is considered to be a leading avant avant-garde designer and runs the world's largest clothing empire that caters exclusively to chickens and other fowl.

These are just a few of the many chickens that other chickens should aspire to.

If I were counted among chicken-kind, God willing, perhaps I could aspire to such lofty heights.

But, alas, I was born lacking the crucial DNA that excludes me from such.

But to those of you who do have the appropriate DNA...

Cock-a-doodle get to work.

Petty Theft & Petty Vandalism by Petty Chickens at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Petty Theft & Petty Vandalism by Petty Chickens at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Well, I was talking to a Fernbrook Resort neighbour and it looks like some chickens escaped the hen house for a rollicking night of fun off the farm.

And what was on their chicken-brained minds?

Theft and vandalism.

Of the petty nature.

What was it this time?

A neighbour has an old cedar chest in their always open garage. The chest was empty other than for some paperwork advertising the chest's maker, warranty etc. Nothing of any value.

Well, some dastardly chicken(s) managed to find their way into this unguarded fortress of riches and, using their tiny brains, somehow figured out how to open up the complicated chest. And then took that worthless (but pricelss to someone with a chicken sized brain I guess) paperwork. Next using their talons (or perhaps their beak) they broke one of the stays (that keep the chest from falling shut). Before they closed the chest back up and silently flew off into the dead of the night.

Are these chickens (a) Criminal masterminds? or (b) Or what?

I think selection (b) the 'or what?'choice is the appropriate answer to this mind-boggling multiple choice question.

If the stay had not been broken then you might think this to be simply a sad case of some kleptomaniac chicken(s).

But because the stay was broken you would have to assume that some (of the) Fernbrook Resort chicken(s) are holding a silent grudge against the robbed and vandalized neighbour. And were trying to make a point.

But because they are too chicken to confront the object of their rage (and the object of their rage most likely does not have a rare chicken-to-english dictionary to understand their clucks and cackles) no one is ever going to know what the point of these cowardly chickens is.

Andddddd I know what your thinking... how do you know that it was chickens who comitted this awful act of terror and destruction?

Well, having read the highly regarded 'Abnormal Behaviors in Domesticated Fowl' by Hamilton Hickmman (a book previously cited by this blog) I learned that chickens are only brave when a target's back is turned and, also, when the sun goes down. And since the back was turned and the sun was down there can be no doubt that this heinous crime was conducted by one or more chickens.

Cock-a-doodle invite your enemy over for a microwaved bowl of Delicious Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ and settle your differences once and for all.

(Note - this is NOT a paid for solicitation for the Purina Company OR any of their many fine products or Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ which is on sale at all participating stores starting this Monday - grab a box and cluck up a boewl today!)

I Live in a Meth Lab at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

I Live in a Meth Lab at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

If you'll remember, as a result of the complex rating system used to classify homes at prestigious Fernbrook Resort in Freelton Ontario, our trailer heaven was re classified upwards. To the more prestigious Crack Den status (from Meth Lab). However we later learned that the step up was in error and the state of our residence was so questionable that not only were we ordered to stop referring to our home as a Crack Den but we were also banned from telling folks that we live in a Meth Lab.

And then this happens.

Last night around the Witching Hour I hear someone scratching at our door. So I open it. And and who was it? One of Fernbrook's most elite and well respected residents: Dextrose Morphine Junior. I know that's an unsual name and, apparently, though spending much of his life in the Principality of Andorra, he was born in Viet Nam to parents of Iraqi and Ugandan heritage. He told me that he speaks several languages including English, American, Canadian and that he's currently studying Australian.

So he's no dummy.

Anyway Dextrose looks me straight in the eye and says in his heavily Spanish accented Canadian, "Hey muchacho, I need to score me some meth. Can you do me a solid?"

Of course I took the question as a compliment (imagine us living in a meth lab) but all the same I had to tell my guest, "Sorry Dude, this ain't no meth lab," I replied in a profoundly disappointed voice.

But Dextrose, without even hesitating, shoots back: "No worries man, sooooo how about you fill up my crack pipe then?"

So I filled up his pipe and he trotted off into that good night.

I didn't really give him crack, I gave him cubes of sugar. And he didn't seem to know the difference.

I know what you're thinking, CUBES OF SUGAR? What are you? A refugee from the 1930s? No one uses cubed sugar anymore. Well I do use cubed sugar. At breakfast I enjoy building little forts out of them which I then bombard with Maltesers (TM). And when I'm done playing? I eat them. Try doing that with Lego! I also ate a Mrs. Potato Head once and trust me, those things aren't made out of potatoes. Talk about your false advertising.

Anyway... the point of this incident is, is that if one of Fernbrook Resort's finest and most upstanding citizens, the highly eductaed and world travelled Dextrose Morphine Junior, can mistake our unclassified home for a Meth Lab then, at the very least, we deserve the Meth Lab rating AND the improved social standing that goes with it. Because, currently, our low social standing only permits us to converse with non-Siamese cats. And trust me on this, after half an hour talking to a cat, you feel like you're on crack. Really bad crack. A trip that will scar you for life.

So, to make a stupid story short, I'm going to appeal our reclassification.

May reader's thoughts and prayers be with us during this most trying of ordeals.