On the First Day of the New Year it has been a longstanding tradition that the Lord Mayor of the tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton deliver an address on the state of its affairs to an increasingly disinterested world.
Taken from an internet feed, following is a transcript of that brief address filled with rather bizarre statements.
The Lord Mayor, Doc Ballard, a long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage, stumbled twice before he reached the podium. Recently the Lord Mayor has faced allegations of drug abuse including the sniffing of catnip, smoking furballs and free-basing Little Friskies™. All of which he has denied.
“Hey, everyone… welcome to two thousand and fifteen.
The Future.
You know what…
Pardon my French but what the hell is so great about the future?
Growing up I was told that scientists would build a future filled with cool stuff. And cool things to do. You know… like space travel. That we would be zipping around space. Travelling to other planets. Hanging out with cool aliens.
And that we would be travelling through time.
Fixing those things that once went wrong.
Hoping each time that the next leap would be the leap home.
That all food would come in pill form. Just add water and you get a freakin’ meal. All from a compact little capsule.
… and flying cars.
I got up this morning and checked my front lawn and still the same old Yugo. Where the hell is my flying car scientists!?!
I want my flying car.
And. I. Want. It. Right. Now.
Hey, and you know what…? I weighed my Yugo the other day. A Yugo is supposed to weigh 1850 pounds. But mine only weighs 1680. Where the hell is the other 170 lbs? Where’d it go?
I think that scientists stole it.
And another thing, whenever I open a new box of cereal … the top third of the box is empty. It’s missing. Contents may settle on shipping my ass. I think scientists have been breaking into my home when I’m at work, eating my cereal, stealing the prizes inside and then resealing the box. Thinking that I wouldn’t notice. Oh, but I noticed.
And some of my mail is missing. I know that I should be getting more mail. Where is it?
And why is my phone bill so high? I know that I’m not making all those calls.
It’s the Scientists.
They break into our houses when we’re at work.
They steal metal from our cars to build spaceships and then they zoom all over the universe… eating our cereal… and reading our mail. And all the while running up our long distance phone bills… What the hell right do they have to be reading my mail? And I want those prizes back…”
At this point the Address ended rather abruptly as the Lord Mayor was dragged off the podium.
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