Cat Napping could be a Catastrophe in the making at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Cat Napping could be a Catastrophe in the making at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

I don’t know the difference between a catnapping and a cat burglary. Other than for the fact that it involves the disappearance of some sort of semi-precious feline. Who would steal a cat? And what do people do with the cats that they steal? Is their some sort of secret black market where ill gotten cats are bought and sold? Maybe cats have a hidden value that makes them worth more than what poor slobs like me think that they’re worth..

I doubt I’ll ever know.

My neighbour’s cat, his name (or perhaps her name, I’m not really clear on that point) was Pétr. Short for Pétrifiée. Would sit in the same spot for hours on end. Slower than a five-toed sloth. Slower than a three-toed sloth even. Some mistook him (or her) for a stone statue. Yet blink and she (or he) would move quicker than the eye could follow.

But Pétr is gone now. For the best part of a week.

It is unproven but it has been alleged that a bad ole chicken lured innocent little Pétr into his van with a box of Tender Vittles™.

Actually he just picked Pétr up by the tail, put him in his van, and drove away, I just wanted to put in a plug for delicious Tender Vittles™ Pétr’s favorite food I am told.

Needless to say poor little Pétr hasn’t been since.

I mentioned the absence of the always present feline to my now cat-poor neighbours. Who confirmed the feline’s disappearance.

C’est la vie.

But it got me thinking. There’s a neighbour who works for the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA), he told me that when a criminal is caught with stolen property, that the CRA will reassess the individual. They add the dollar value of the stolen goods to the criminal’s income and then tax them on it. Hilarious.

Unless you’re the criminal that is.

I remember a story on the CBC (W5 I think) where the Canada Revenue Agency went after some average self-employed Canadian who had his own business. The guy was assessed a tax debt for tens of thousands of dollar. The guy took the CRA to court, and it took sixteen years… but he won. Though by then the CRA had taken away his business, his home all his assets etc. The guy had nothing. And the CRA did not have to make restitution or pay any damages for the trumped up tax debt they used to steal his life’s earnings.

That’s a catastrophe

And even if the CRA had been forced to provide restitution the guy still lost sixteen years of his life.
  
Now I’m sure that whomever took Pétr was just some good ole boy playing a joke. And that Pétr will be returned unharmed in the VERY near future.

But if Pétr is not returned?

C’est la vie.

Sometimes catastrophes happen in life.

But wouldn’t that be ironic if a catastrophe that ensued was actually induced by the theft of a cat?

Cock-a-doodle-stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to this mystery.

It’s a Charlie Brown Halloween for Fernbrook Resort Freelton

It’s a Charlie Brown Halloween for Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Well, it’s just about that time of year when everybody dresses up and tries to scare the pants (and dresses) off of everybody else.

And at Fernbrook Resort in Freelton it’s no different.

Everyone’s discussing how they’re going to dress for the big Halloween party and it seems like everyone is going as either a Dominatrix or a Submissive. Which is strange because I thought we were supposed to wear costumes.

It was suggested that I dress as Charlie Brown.

So I guess I won’t be in need of a costume either.

And at first I took no little offense at being told I dress like Charlie Brown. But after researching the famous child thespian I’ve come to quite a different conclusion. Because according to my internet sources Charles ‘Don’t Call Me Charlie’ Brown is quite the character:    

- A convicted bigamist, having married women in four US states, Romania and Guatemala.
- Is in arrears for child support payments for his thirteen children
- Was a recently indicted for providing financial support to both Boko Haram and ISIS.
- An outspoken opponent of Canine-Feline intermarriage he assaulted The Cat in the Hat at a Rally supporting such marital unions.

So he’s much more bad ass then Alfalfa of ‘the Little Rascals’ fame.

And he dresses better too!

So I guess this Halloween I’ll be dressing like Charlie Brown.

I just hope no one comes as the Cat in the Hat.

Bitter Homes & Gardens and the Bully of Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Bitter Homes & Gardens and the Bully of Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

"It's about time that they cleaned that place up!"

You didn't have to see the speaker to recognize the voice - it was the alleged bully of Fernbrook Resort.

Have you ever seen that old 'Tales of the Wizard of Oz' cartoon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brqnui9dV9o) from the 1960's ? Based on the Frank L Baum book of the same name it has all the same characters. Dorothy. Toto. The Scarecrow. The Cowardly Lion. And of course the Tin Woodsman who, in the cartoon, was named Rusty. And who had a voice to match. Sounding like a jagged and rusty tin can being scraped across a blackboard. A voice quite similar to that of the alleged Bully of Fernbrook Resort. Which is what makes that voice so instantly recognizeable to both the hearing and the hearing impaired.

When our family moved in the alleged tough guy was an individual that was immediately pointed out to us as completely avoidable. A bully. Not a' gud ole buoy' in the least we were told. And with his non-stop string of mickey mouse comments and questionable actions we would have to agree. Some of the more memorable include: When a neighbour helpfully (but accidentally) pulled weeds out of his garden and the alleged bully found out, he started clucking loud threats that he should go over there and chop down some trees in retaliation. I've seen him baiting stray cats til they scream. When another neighbour put up a fence, the day after he mouthed off about it to one of his visiting pals, that same pal ran into the neighbour's fence with his car I was told. And his latest comment was, "It's about time that they cleaned that place up!" A neighbouring family had spent a few hours tidying up their accused eyesore and the bully had noticed.

So a few nights later, while on an unguided walking tour of the prestigious resort, we decided to check out the pristine state of the alleged bully's proud property. Obviously, with his statements, we expected to be viewing some wonderful Garden of Eden with numerous horticultural awards, guided tours and valet parking.

And, to our surprise, we weren't disappointed.

I'm just kidding.

We were shocked by what we discovered.

We now know why the Amazon jungle is disappearing... and it's not deforestation. It's because the bully of Fernbrook Resort has been stealing it weed by weed and transplanting his ill-gotten foliage behind his home. His yard has more weed than an entire season of Breaking Bad. If Walter White hadn't died then I'd know where to find him. In this guy's back yard. And it wouldn't surprise me if Jimmy Hoffa was found alive and well back there either. He's probably brunching with a Sasquatch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28zXvk9kBBc) right now. But we'll never know of the existence of either because of the yard's sorry state. Truthfully, last week a troop of thirty-year old Girl Guides marched out of that mess. They got lost as kids making their way to the front door to sell their deliciously overpriced cookies and it took them two decades to find their way out. And did I mention the rusted out car with the flat tires? Well now I have.

But I guess when your property is an award winning botanical masterpiece featured annually in 'Bitter Homes and Questionable Gardens' magazine then you have every right to criticize the state of the yards of others.

Cock-a-doodle take the mote out of your own eye before removing the beam from your neighbour's.