It’s official – the recount is in and a canine has been elected Lord Mayor of Freelton’s ritzy Fernbrook Resort.
In a surprise result ‘Doc Ballard’ a geriatric long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage handily beat out the office incumbent, a weathered piece of plywood purchased at Beaver Lumber in 1983. Also running for the job was a medium-sized rock with a thick vein of quartz running through it, which finished third. Disappointed fourth place finisher Justin Timberlake rounded out the hotly contested campaign.
“The other candidates seemed to treat this race as a dog and pony show,” neighed Doc Ballard’s Campaign Manager the world famous Mr. Ed, “but we avoided that and won because we stuck to the issues that were close to the people’s hearts.”
Issues which included the hotly debated FMP or ‘Feline Management Policy’ and Dog Feces Flinging.
“No more cats!” barked Doc Ballard (here the new Lord Mayor interrupted himself with a bit of a self-cleaning before he continued). “From this moment onward all animals of the feline persuasion will be forced to wear a big yellow mouse around their necks while out in public. Those who refuse will be interred in special camps until their disposition can be decided. And that goes for their supporters too! This is Canine Country now!” Doc Ballard yipped sharply.
When pressed about his Dog Feces Flinging support Doc Ballard barked, “Personally I believe that we should all let feces lie where it is deposited. I know I do. It’s what nature intended. And I know the plant life and the fields just love it! That’s how I got their votes. By unabashedly pooping all over the ecosystem. But if someone wants to fling some feces around… what the hey… it’s good exercise. And with my plans to resurrect the spring Dog Feces Flinging Festival and perhaps add a fall festival as well. It would be good for the local tourism industry… which will be great for the economy.”
At this point the news conference was interrupted by a disheveled Justin Timberlake. Timberlake withdrew a soup bone from an old shopping bag, tossed it far into the distance, whereby the Lord Mayor immediately jumped down from his lectern and gave chase
In the Mayor’s absence Justin Timberlake said, “Personally I enjoy a bit of recreational flinging of dog feces, I only entered politics because of Doc Ballard’s Feline Management Policy. Apartheid, whether it be based on religion, skin colour or degree of feline-ness, should not be tolerated. I hereby immediately renounce my citizenship in the nation of Fernbrook. I am moving to the US of A where I will take up singering and actoring and make it my career.”
When asked if he had any final words Timberlake replied, “whether it be the oppression of all cats or simply the removal of one cat I predict a cock-a-doodle catastrophe for those who are responsible for this dastardly policy.”
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