The Pillsbury Dough Bake Off is one of the world’s most popular events. Though not quite as well received as the Olympic Games or the Miss Nude World Pageant, still it is much more popular than the International Ebola Fair and the World Cup of Soccer.
The quadrennial event is always well attended and famous faces seen in the crowd at this year’s Bake Off included such renowned gastronomists as Justin Timberlake, Chef Boy-ar-Dee, Duncan Hines, Dr & Mrs. Pepper, Mr. & Mrs. Walter Butterworth and that Rooster from the box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.
No doubt you will remember there was an international public outcry when much more popular (and some say more suitable) choices of Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and the Marianas Trench were passed over in favour of tiny Fernbrook Resort. Criticisms of Fernbrook included its inability to afford the games, the remoteness of the venues and the unusual ritual of fecal matter flinging which is an accepted part of daily life in the tiny enclave.
But the little resort proved them wrong.
The games, which were presided over by the mayor of the resort ‘Doc Ballard’ a geriatric long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage, were an overwhelming success. Generating revenues in excess of over $380 stemming mostly from lost change and deposit bottles rescued from the trash. Plans for the money include the mowing of lawns, filling of potholes and an investment in nuclear weapons.
“Watch out Millgrove,” yapped Doc Ballard, “We’re coming for you!”
Results from the marquee events of the 2014 Pillsbury Dough Bake Off saw pigs-in-a-blanket winning the sack race, Snap Crackle and Pop winning the six-legged race and a rather large Toad-in-the-Hole won the egg in spoon competition. Disappointingly, the Jolly Green Giant won the weight-lifting competition but was later disqualified when a drug test showed high amounts of ‘extract of green pea’ present in his urine.
As always, the closing of the games is marked by the Great Smorgasbord. Where attendees are encouraged to over indulge themselves on a variety of treats.
Barked Doc Ballard as part of his closing remarks, “I officially declare these games to be closed.” Before he jumped off the podium and added unawares that the microphone could still catch his voice… “Damn that was a hell of a fine smorgasbord…and what I wouldn’t give for the occasional Gaines Burger. Because anything beats a big steaming bowl of Al poo.”
Cock-a-doodle ouch!
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