It happened again.
Yet one more strange break-in at fashionable Fernbrook Resort in Freelton, the latest in a string of crimes that has left investigators completely baffled. Though not completely clueless.
“I walked into my home,” said a tearful Amanda Muffinbottom, “and immediately I could smell it. Pine-Sol. And I don’t use Pine-Sol when I clean.” When pressed about her cleaning habits Ms. Muffinbottom confessed, “Quite honestly I really don’t even clean that often. Just for special occasions. You now… Like Arbour Day. Or Cat Steven’s birthday,” she trailed off, “But now, now I won’t even be able to do that.”
But that wasn’t all.
Apparently the criminal mastermind also washed her windows. Before reorganizing her cutlery drawer. And finally topping up her candy dish.
“I feel… I feel so violated. So, so clean,” she said sadly. “It’s not like my home anymore. It’s like I’m at some really fancy hotel. You know something ritzy… like a Holiday Inn. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. How could somebody do this to? What right do they have do they have to just walk right into a stranger’s home and start house cleaning? And where were the police when this was going on?”
An employee of Molly Maid who spoke on the condition of anonymity said that she’s never seen anything like it. “When it comes to cleaning up after B&E’s, usually we see missing items. Petty vandalism. The joint’s messed up a bit. But this is quite the opposite. Not only is nothing missing but it appears that they’ve cleaned up the place. Quite honestly I don’t know what the heck she’s complaining about. Her place is so spotless that the cops couldn’t even find her DNA let alone the culprit who committed this fingerquote crime. I wonder if they’re looking for a job?”
The only clue the police have as to the ‘criminal’s’ identity is a single solitary gold earring that was dropped behind. And although unconfirmed, one neighbour did report seeing a suspicious individual walking through the neighbourhood toting a can of lemon fresh Pledge.
When asked what charges the criminal might face an anonymous police source indicated off the record, that if it was up to them, that they would make them clean up the Station House. And then sweep out the parking lot. ]
“I just hope they catch who’s ever behind this and put a stop to it,” Amanda Muffinbottom concluded, “People breaking in and cleaning stranger’s homes. What is this world coming to? What’s next… tidying their lawns. Or making sure that their bills are paid on time. This has got to stop. If not for our sakes then the children. Think of the children.”
Police are believed to be looking for a six foot two inch bald man wearing white shoes, white slacks, a white tee shirt and sporting a single gold earring.
Said one officer, “Catching this guy really isn’t at the top of our list but if we do I could sure as hell use some cleaning tips… because I can’t afford a maid service and my place really sucks.”
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