Fernbrook Resort Freelton Phone Lines and Mail Bags Jammed with Requests Not to be Acknowledged

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Phone Lines and Mail Bags Jammed with Requests Not to be Acknowledged

Fernbrook Resort Freelton has
been flooded with mail. 

It recently came to light that some Fernbrook Resort nationals were asking others not to talk to, acknowledge or otherwise communicate with certain undesirable neighbors.

For those who might not know an undesirable neighbor may be one who reads books, who might wash their clothes using Tide™ laundry detergent or could be someone who prefers eating dangerous square waffles over the socially acceptable round safety waffle. The decision to shun someone can be a capricious as that. Yup, that’s all it takes to get your name put on the Fernbrook Resort ‘Do Not Acknowledge List’ and get yourself ignored.

When some Fernbrook Resort citizens found out about the childish requests they were both embarrassed and outraged. Some even inquired as to how they might get their names placed on such a list. Loudly envying those who had somehow managed to score a coveted slot on the registry.

And when the International community found out about the immature behaviour being practiced and promulgated by many citizens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, the tiny nation scored first place on the United Nations Adolescent Index.

Seth Rogen prays to God
that his name willbe placed
on Fernbrook Resort's
"Do Not Acknowledge List!"

But that wasn’t all.

When Fernbrook Resort threatened to ignore the world, the United Nations politely thanked the tiny dog-ruled nation. Then declared a world holiday.

In the ensuing days the tiny dumbstruck nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton has been flooded with requests from individuals the world over begging to be ignored by Fernbrook Resort and its citizens. Phone lines have been jammed twenty-four hours non-stop. Mountains of mail are piling up. With requests ranging from entire Kindergarten classes to convicted felons to the ever popular Seth Rogen.

Strangely Rogen's close friend and confidante, James Franco, has refused to join the list. Said Franco, "I wish people would talk to me. But no one seems to want to... hey, where you going? I'm not done yet... Hey... you... "  

Said Fernbrook Resort bureaucrat Millard Wetnap, “I don’t think that this was a well thought out policy by our nation’s leaders. The way it’s going soon the only people we’ll have to talk to will be our neighbors. And boy will that ever suck…”

Fernbrook Resort bureaucrat Millard Wetnap,
"What were our nation's leaders thinking?'

But it gets better. Not only are individuals and groups making requests but after highly public votes entire cities such as Bastardstown, Port Circumcision, Athol, Punkydoodles Corners and St. Louis have requested that all their residents be placed on the Fernbrook Resort “Do Not Acknowledge List”.

As well, several provinces of China, fourteen US States, eleven Indian states, seven Canadian provinces – the requests go on and on… all have requested that all of their residents names be placed on Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s “Do Not Acknowledge List”.

And now some nations are getting in on the act – with one notable exception: the feline haven nation of greater metropolitan Millgrove.

Millgrove's Lord Mayor Vern Bigglesworth:
"Ha ha ha ha meow!"

Said the democratically elected Lord Mayor of Millgrove Vern Bigglesworth, “We know that the dog feces throwing nation of Fernbrook Resort wants us to ask to be put on their ‘Do Not Acknowledge List’… so we’re not going to ask. Just to piss them off. Ha ha ha ha meow ha ha ha ha meow. Come and get us Fernbrook Resort Freelton, we’re waiting for you,” the Lord Mayor yowled gleefully in response to Fernbrook Resort’s almost daily threat to assault Millgrove.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Announces ‘Whack-a-Cat’ Festival

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Announces ‘Whack-a-Cat’ Festival

Opening Festivities at 'Whack-a-Cat'

The tiny cash-strapped nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton announced a new money generating initiative in the form of a Festival designed to cater to the growing population of feline adverse individuals.

Yelped the mongrel Lord Mayor Doc Ballard proudly, " Our ‘Whack-a-Cat Days’ will be a boost to our economy while serving as an inexpensive method of keeping our tremendous feral cat population in check. Kind of like what those igloo dwelling blubber munching Canadians do with pesky seal pups… except we’re using cats and semi-automatic weapons instead… Which is great for the environment. So it’s a win-win all the way around."

Popular Child's Whack a Kitty Game

Quizzed as to why cats were chosen the Lord Mayor replied, "Quite honestly our first choice was Roosters, we were going to call it ‘Whack-a-Cock’. I mean is there anything more fun than whacking a cock? And the name tested well in focus groups. Particularly with teenaged male aged 14-18 and unemployed adult males who live in their parent’s basement and watch Star Trek reruns. Unfortunately my teenage nephew and my unemployed brother who lives in my parent’s basement both told me that the phrase ‘Whack-a-Cock’ was already trademarked by an adult film company in Silicone Valley. Go figure.

 

Seth Rogen with a Captured Kitty

Seth Rogen is rumoured to be the Master of Cermonies for the week long event and festivities include the ceremonial burning of a large stack of Cat Stevens eight track tapes, the Parade of Obnoxious Felines, the Running of the Cats, and a kitten toss for children aged eight and younger. The last day of the Festival is the Whack-a-Cat Event which includes your choice of three different semi-automatic weapons and an option for hollow point bullets for those who really want to see a cat me-owwwwww.

World Famous Fernbrook Running of the Cats 

Parade of Obnoxious Felines

Added the Lord Mayor, "Visitors are welcome to bring their own cat but if they are unable to attend and have a cat they want to dispose of they can just mail it to us and for a small fee we’ll do the rest. Oh, and don’t waste time putting holes in the boxes – they won’t need oxygen where they’re going."







In the first year the Festival is expected to generate over three hundred dollars for the national economy from the sale of catskin hats and from t-shirts bearing catchy slogans such as, ‘I whacked a pussy at Fernbrook Resort Freelton’ and ‘My Parents attended the Fernbrook Cat Whacking Festival and all they brought back was this crappy t-shirt’.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Implicated in “The Interview” SONY Hacking Scandal

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Implicated in “The Interview” SONY Hacking Scandal

The tiny anti-Feline nation of Fernbrook Resort was named by North Korean leader Kim Jong Un as the real culprit behind the SONY hacks.

“Why does everyone always blame us?” sniffed a tearful Kim in his nation’s defence. “Why doesn’t anyone like us? The only country that sent us a Christmas card this year was Vatican City. And that’s not even a real country…”

Further questioning of the portly North Korean leader proved impossible as he broke down in tears and began sobbing uncontrollably, forcing his handlers to lead him away.

“Sure it was us,” boasted Fernbrook’s Lord Mayor Doc Ballard a geriatric long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage when contacted by mental telepathy. “You really think a nation ruled by a fat guy named Kim has the cajones to pull off something like this? I bet you he’s quivering in his noodles and crying in his teacups right now. Boo hoo hoo hoo,” he growled sarcastically.

When asked what Fernbrook has against Seth Rogen’s and the now cancelled movie, ‘The Interview’ the Lord Mayor replied succintly, “Nothing man. That dude is cool.” When asked what he thought of James Franco, the movie’s other star, the Doc replied: “Like I said, Seth Rogen is cool.”

According to Fernbrook Resort insiders, the anti Feline nation believed that SONY was remaking the movie ‘That Darn Cat’. And it was this rumour that led to the hack. When the rumour proved false they decided to arrange the hack to make it look like North Korea did it.

“My bad,” replied Doc Ballard, “you can never be too careful. But let this be a message to those who would oppose us, the nation of Fernbrook Resort will not put up with pro cat sentiments and feline propaganda. Nations of the world you have been warned!” Before adding, “Hey, has anyone seen my ducky chew toy? Because it was here a second ago.”

When told that North Korea was upset over being falsely accused the Lord Mayor seemed unrepentant. “Why the crap don’t they grow up. Fine, I’ll send an apology card, a box of Kleenex and one gross of super absorbent Depend™ Undergarments. That ought to fill their traps. But if I hear one more sob from that nation of crybabies then I’m going to kick them right off the Internet.”

Editor’s note: At press time internet service to North Korea had yet to be restored.