Ritzy Fernbrook Resort of Freelton has a long standing classification system for the resident’s homes – and this week the new ratings for each of the resident’s properties was revealed. The ratings are important solely because they determine the social hierarchy for the park (i.e. who’s better than you are and who you can associate with publicly).
I was shocked (and pleasantly so) to learn that I had moved up a notch in the pecking order, going from the very bottom rung or ‘Meth Lab’ as it is known. Yes, I’ve been bumped up one rung to the ‘Coke Den’ rating. To be honest I don’t think that I’ve done enough work on my ‘Coke Den’ to warrant such an honour. However it has rained heavily the past few weeks and I think the heavy shower cleaned some of the dirt off of the classic 1976 Pinto I use as a lawn ornament, showcasing the rust, really adding some colour to the property. Hence the advancement.
I wonder…
…the lawn hasn’t been cut since the Chretien Administration (first term)… perhaps if I gave the lawn a bit if a trim… maybe I could move up one more notch, achieving the much coveted ‘Crack Whore’ designation. Though it’s a name that kind of worries me. I have no problem being associated with crack (as I am told it can be quite refreshing); it’s the whore part of the description that bothers me. To be perfectly blunt, I’ve been saving myself for marriage and I certainly don’t want folks thinking that I’m easy. After all I do have a reputation to think about.
Above the ‘Crack Whore’ designation comes ‘Permanent Reno’, so named because the home is in a state of perpetual teardown. Those who achieve Permanent Reno status have the cache of a messy yard coupled with the bona fide excuse, “Hey, we’re renovating, by summer we’ll have this all cleaned up and I’ll be drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beside my swimming pool, trust me...”
‘Cat House (2nd rank)’ is one slot higher than ‘Permanent Reno’. There are no actual felines involved here rather the homeowner’s décor is considered to be the equivalent of an upper class Thai brothel. Quite honestly I doubt that I’ll ever be able to attain such a prestigious rank. Why? On my very best dressed days my personal attire is comparable to the wealthiest of homeless people. Yeah, I lack the necessary taste that such a distinguished designation so obviously requires.
‘Cat House (1st rank)’ differs from the second rank in that the first rank must be a home that actually has cats. Dozens of them. Many dozens. As neighbor cats seem to enjoy the amenities that my yard provides I believe that this designation is one that is, ultimately, quite achievable. With no extra effort required on my part. Though quite honestly I think I would prefer to be called a crackwhore.
Next in line is the ‘Almost Millionaires’ clique. These are homes that have lawn chairs in their yards and a big giant inflatable child’s pool (decorated with porpoises and starfish) erected for the sole purpose of soaking their feet while lounging around shirtless and drinking copious amounts of high quality Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. This is a high rank which is quite beyond me for several reasons. I will never be able to afford a pool. I don’t have the hot air necessary to inflate such a quality amenity. And Pabst Blue Ribbon is much too fine a beverage for someone of my modest standing.
The highest rank that a resident of Fernbrook Resort can achieve is that of ‘Trailer Trash’. This is a rank that some neighbors have achieved and, God willing, perhaps a rank I may one day be awarded as well. Isn’t that everyone’s dream? To walk down the street while people point at me and whisper quietly behind hands held over their smiling mouths, “Look son, over there, there goes Trailer Trash…”
Well, until that day comes, I can always dream.
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