Perry Mason & the Case of the Feces Flinger (and other criminals) at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Perry Mason & the Case of the Feces Flinger (and other criminals) at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

There has been a decided dearth in the seriousness of incidents ever since: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/04/what-roosters-dont-know-will-hurt-them.html. There has been the friendly waving ‘neighbour’: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/04/at-fernbrook-resort-freelton-friendly.html and the frightened? neighbour: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/04/its-lights-cameras-and-still-not-much.html. But, truly, neither was really worthy mentioning. And it got us to thinking… what if the citizens of the great nation of Fernbrook Resort were, are or have become aware of the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort blog?

That would explain the sudden perceived change in behavior noted above. And the friendly ‘wave’… Which leads to the following thoughts:

No mention of the flinging of dog feces, the thefts, vandalism, trespasses etc. have been discussed with any citizen of Fernbrook Resort. The only people who are aware of the incidents are the victim(s) and the perpetrator(s).

Clearly then the only people that could know that a certain property is being monitored electronically are the residents of that property and the perpetrators of the crimes (IF the perps are aware of this blog).

Meaning that if someone in Fernbrook Resort has advised others that a certain property now has video surveillance… that would mean those person(s) are the ones whose activities have been so well described this past year. Because even if a Fernbrook citizen randomly stumbled across this blog, they should not be able to conclusively identify the source. Unless…

That’s the hypothesis.

And this is the conclusion.

Since the crimes have not been made public knowledge the only people who can positively identify a property with surreptitious camera monitoring are those who are committing the crimes. No one else. The only proof that identifies the writer(s) of the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort blog to what has been written… are those who have direct knowledge that a crime has been committed AND the location of the crime.

Which conclusively unmasks the Feces Flinger (and other criminals) of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Announces ‘Whack-a-Cat’ Festival

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Announces ‘Whack-a-Cat’ Festival

Opening Festivities at 'Whack-a-Cat'

The tiny cash-strapped nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton announced a new money generating initiative in the form of a Festival designed to cater to the growing population of feline adverse individuals.

Yelped the mongrel Lord Mayor Doc Ballard proudly, " Our ‘Whack-a-Cat Days’ will be a boost to our economy while serving as an inexpensive method of keeping our tremendous feral cat population in check. Kind of like what those igloo dwelling blubber munching Canadians do with pesky seal pups… except we’re using cats and semi-automatic weapons instead… Which is great for the environment. So it’s a win-win all the way around."

Popular Child's Whack a Kitty Game

Quizzed as to why cats were chosen the Lord Mayor replied, "Quite honestly our first choice was Roosters, we were going to call it ‘Whack-a-Cock’. I mean is there anything more fun than whacking a cock? And the name tested well in focus groups. Particularly with teenaged male aged 14-18 and unemployed adult males who live in their parent’s basement and watch Star Trek reruns. Unfortunately my teenage nephew and my unemployed brother who lives in my parent’s basement both told me that the phrase ‘Whack-a-Cock’ was already trademarked by an adult film company in Silicone Valley. Go figure.

 

Seth Rogen with a Captured Kitty

Seth Rogen is rumoured to be the Master of Cermonies for the week long event and festivities include the ceremonial burning of a large stack of Cat Stevens eight track tapes, the Parade of Obnoxious Felines, the Running of the Cats, and a kitten toss for children aged eight and younger. The last day of the Festival is the Whack-a-Cat Event which includes your choice of three different semi-automatic weapons and an option for hollow point bullets for those who really want to see a cat me-owwwwww.

World Famous Fernbrook Running of the Cats 

Parade of Obnoxious Felines

Added the Lord Mayor, "Visitors are welcome to bring their own cat but if they are unable to attend and have a cat they want to dispose of they can just mail it to us and for a small fee we’ll do the rest. Oh, and don’t waste time putting holes in the boxes – they won’t need oxygen where they’re going."







In the first year the Festival is expected to generate over three hundred dollars for the national economy from the sale of catskin hats and from t-shirts bearing catchy slogans such as, ‘I whacked a pussy at Fernbrook Resort Freelton’ and ‘My Parents attended the Fernbrook Cat Whacking Festival and all they brought back was this crappy t-shirt’.

Feces Flinging Continues to Rear its Smelly Head at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Feces Flinging Continues to Rear its Smelly Head at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Right at the very beginning of the camera monitoring phase, when it was still being tested, we see Rooster carefully slink onto the property with a little green plant container. Continually bobbing his head chicken fashion he sidles up to the house, quickly stoops, rises and then flies off the property like a chicken with his feathers between his legs, dropping the green plant container on the walk as he makes his flight.

Some Fresh Feces

Curious, we checked and found a large mass of reasonably fresh dog feces placed carefully under the deck. Right where Rooster stooped down. Unfortunately you can’t see his hand actions when he stoops. Just him.

Can we prove that Rooster placed dog feces in a green plant container, dumped them under our deck and ran away. No. But we saved the green plant container - it’ll have his fingerprints on it and it may have some trace of dog feces as well. Combined with the video evidence it is damning. But damning enough to get him kicked out?

Who knows for certain at this point?

And why bring up this even many weeks after the fact?

Because yesterday we found the fairly fresh feces of a dog on our property. Coincidentally, Rooster has access to a dog. Strangely though the camera shows no one trespassing onto the property. Not even a dog. And there is no way that any one could have tossed it there unless they walked onto Rooster’s property and tossed the feces over the propertyline and onto property. Which seems highly unlikely.

But still there is no proof that Rooster flung the feces where we found it placed. It could have been Rhode Island Red. Or one of their kids. But we saved the feces. Why save the feces? A couple weeks ago we read an article http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/can-dog-owners-be-evicted-for-not-supplying-dog-poop-samples-1.3061949 in the CBC about a condo management board who plans to trace dog feces to owners through a DNA test of the feces. So they can kick them him out for not cleaning up after their dogs. The testing is done through the company PooPrints http://www.pooprintscanada.com/

Now, any one of these events by themselves, if presented to Fernbrook Resort Management, might not be enough to cause Rooster to lose any sleep. However, if you were to start combining all these proofs – the trespassing, the littering, trace the feces to the dogs he has access to, showing a persistent pattern of bullying and a sum total of harassment (and I’m sure that there is still more to come) – that might get him removed from Fernbrook Resort.

Because if Fernbrook Resort refused to remove Rooster that might open them to a legal claim, say for loss of enjoyment. Rooster of course could be subject to a civil suit, which would cost him money. And, if Rooster does not own his property, the landlord could be subject to a suit as well. Actually, contacting Rooster’s landlord first might actually be the best root. Update him or her first and give the landlord a chance to issue the boot and stop the hassles once and for all. Thereby avoid the expensive legal options.

Cock-a-doodle-time to pack your bags?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Threatens to Euthanize Johnny Depp

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Threatens to Euthanize Johnny Depp




A Confused Johnny Depp

Famous acting canines Pistol and Boo flew into the grand nation of Fernbrook Resort earlier this month to film a reboot of the ‘Benjie’ franchise… and they brought Johnny Depp with them. But now the country has issued an euthanasia warning to the two stars claiming that Johnny Depp wasn’t properly reported when they arrived.

"They decided to bring Depp into our nation without actually getting the proper certification and the proper permits required. We found out they snuck him in because we saw them taking him for a walk," stated Doc Ballard, Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort. "Now Mr. Depp has to depart Fernbrook Resort or we’re going to have to euthanize him."


Boo and Pistol, Criminal Yorkies?

According to officials, who after investigating the issue found Depp at the home where the two dogs are staying during filming, permits for pet humans are required to prevent diseases like "scurvy, gingivitis, dandruff, and hiccups," that humans often carry, to be spread to natives of the nation of Fernbrook.

"There is a process if you want to bring humans in. You get the permits. They go into quarantine and then you can have them

Pistol and Boo have yet to comment on the topic or on whether they will choose to euthanize Depp.

Pooches for the Ethical Treatment of Tailless Apes (PETTA) started petitions to urge Fernbrook Resort authorities to "have a heart" and spare Depp but according to the Lord Mayor, Depp is now in quarantine and has 50 hours to be removed from the country before he is euthanized.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Bans Handshakes. Bum Sniff the New Greeting Lord Mayor Declares

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Bans Handshakes. Bum Sniff the New Greeting Lord Mayor Declares

In a surprise move today the canine ruled nation of Fernbrook Resort banned the shaking of hands.

Doc Ballard - Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort

Announced the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, Doc Ballard, a long haired mongrel of undetermined parentage, "As of May 2, 2015 the shaking of hands is hereby banned!"

When asked if it had anything to do with the recent ebola scare that put nearby nation of Millgrove in a frenzy the Lord Mayor snarled, "Screw you Millgrove, we’re coming for you!"



Chancellor Merkel Reacts to New Fernbrook Poilcy

                            







 Pressed further Doc Ballard barked at the gathered press, "Have you ever been on the phone with Chancellor Angela Merkel discussing a Nuclear Proliferation Treaty… or in a conference call debating the slow motion film techniques used on Season 3 of Baywatch with Ali Khamenei and Hassan Rouhani… Only to be interrupted by someone offering you a biscuit if you’ll shake a paw. Yeah… I didn’t think so. Well let me tell you it’s embarrassing. Very embarrassing."





















When queried as to how the citizens of Fernbrook Resort were to greet each other with the ban on handshakes Doc Ballard barked, "By sniffing each other’s bums of course... Just walk over to someone, give their bum a good sharp sniff, and say something polite like ‘hmmm, looks like someone had an extra helping of paella last night’ or ‘I think some bran might clear that out’. Then politely back away and start talking about the weather."

Quizzed on the health risks associated with this new form of greeting the Lord Mayor commented, "Hand shaking is dirty and promotes the spread of disease. Conversely, have you ever heard of anyone getting ill after generously inhaling from the posterior regions of another? Nope. That’s because bum sniffing is a medically approved alternative to handshaking, guaranteed safe by the Surgeon General of Fernbrook Resort himself. I’ve been doing it for years… and I swear by it!"