The Great and Powerful Rooster Returns to Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

The Great and Powerful Rooster Returns to Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

"The Great and Powerful Rooster is a night active day resting bird,"                                                                                       confirms Marlin Perkins, "that avoids snow because of its sissy nature."

 

“I wasn’t never even gone you sillybilly,” yawned the Great and Powerful Rooster, “I was just hibernating. I learned how to hibernate by watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom with your host Marlin Perkins.”

“Really. You really hibernate? Or are you just afraid that your footsteps in the snow will identify you and lead the Fernbrook Resort 5-0 to your coop?”        

“Hibernating,” replied Rooster. “All chickens hibernate during the winter. Just like all the other birds hibernate during the winter. That’s why you never see any birds in the winter around Fernbrook Resort. Turkeys. Penguins. Lions. Because we’re all hibernating. It’s a veterinarian approved fact.”

Perkins and Fowler's discuss the video taping of Rooster's latest antics.

“Really. So its not you playing all those petty, stupid and childish pranks between snowfalls? When the snow is shoveled or has melted temporarily away?”

“Nopey. Mopey,” Rooster smiled. “It must be some other chicken… I mean it must be someone else. That’s what I really meant.”

“Was that a Freudian slip?”

"I dizagree," zeys Zigmund Freud, " I zink zis Roozter doez made diz zlip."

“No. I don’t fall when I’m doing my petty, stupid and childish pranks. I prefer to run around randomly while quietly clucking.”

“Doesn’t performing petty, stupid and childish pranks indicate that you may be petty, stupid and childish?”

“No, no, not at all,” smiled Rooster beak-ily. “When others perform petty, stupid and childish pranks it proves that they’re petty, stupid and childish. And that means that I’m smarter than they are. However when I perform petty, stupid and childish pranks it proves that I’m smarter than everyone else. Because I get away with it. I am Great and Powerful after all…. I am Great and Powerful.”

"I am Great and Powerful," the Great and Powerful Rooster crows.

“Well if people forget that I’m sure you’ll remind them.”

‘Yes. Yes I will. Oh, and one other thing. I’m still holding my breath. And I’m going to continue holding my breath until I get a song written about me. And if someone doesn’t do it soon I am going to get even more Greater and even more Powerfuller. So much more Greater and Powerfuller that Neighbor Undesirable will have to be evicted just to make room for my giant oversized waffle.”

“Your giant oversized waffle?”

“Yes. My egg-o.”

That's no ego! It's a Fernbrook Resort management approved safety waffle

“ummm… I think that’s pronounced e-go.”

“Shut up.”

“sorry… ?”

“SHUT UP. Or I’ll hold my breath even morer.”

“Hold your breath even more-r? I don’t think you’ve been holding your breath at all. Or hibernating. You’re just chicken.”

"Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up"

“Shut up.”

“You’re still breathing!”                           

“Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up – ”

“If you’re not breathing than…” 

“ – Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up – ”

“… how come you keep talking?”

“ – Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut…”

The Great and Powerful Rooster's tough talking mid life crisis minion says, "I really like that cock," he said speaking fondly of the Great and Powerful Rooster, "And when that cock calls I immediately start coming. I rush right over to His coop. To see how I can personally serve Him. Its always an affair to remember," he sighed softly. 

Fernbrook Resort Freelton in Waffle Spat with Belgium

Fernbrook Resort Freelton in Waffle Spat with Belgium



An irate Karson Krausewitz

His Worship Doc Ballard,
Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resoprt Freelton

The Exalted Nation of Fernbrook Resort rightly became the center of the breakfast world with its invention of the round waffle, an engineering feat which reduced breakfast food related tragedies by over two percent in the nation.

Hector Eggo, president of Fernbrook Resort’s
Agency for Breakfast Food Safety

Repeated Hector Eggo, newly crowned president of Fernbrook Resort’s Agency for Breakfast Food Safety: "…we invented a new waffle, one without any sharp corners. A waffle that was completely round. We called it the round waffle. Because it’s round."

Later to be renamed the ‘safety waffle’ it took the breakfast food world by storm. Earning the tiny nation hundreds of dollars in revenues.

Belgian version of the
Fernbrook Resort Safety Waffle

But all that seems ready to change with today’s announcement by the Belgian Minister of Waffle Affairs Chet Puddingmix. Said Puddingmix, "Today Belgium is issuing a newer and much safer version of the waffle…one slathered with real whipped cream… and padded with your choice of five different fruits for additional safety."

Cried Hector Eggo on hearing the news, "What the… Safer my ass! That’s nothing but a death waffle. What if a person has trouble digesting milk products? How are they supposed to stomach real whipped cream? Did they ever think of that? Those lactose tolerant bastards! And don’t even get me started on the inherent dangers of fresh fruits…"

Karson Krausewitz being
escorted from Fernbrook Resort

To get even with Belgium the Lord Mayor expelled Karson Krausewitz (Belgium’s Diplomatic Attache for Breakfast Foods) from the canine ruled nation for breakfast related espionage.

Screamed Krausewitz repeatedly as he was being tarred and feathered, "Like do you think this is fucking funny or something. Well its not!!."

Laughed His Worship Doc Ballard, "Oh yeah, it’s funny all right. And you’re the punchline! You are hereby expelled from the Grand Nation that is Fernbrook Resort. Begone."

Belgian Prime Minister Charles Michel

When the Belgian Prime Minister Charles Michel was informed of the slight he replied with surprise, "What the hell is a Fernbrook Resort?"

"That’s exactly the reply I would expect from a nation of cough syrup drinkers," yipped Doc Ballard excitedly in response, "Here’s an idea, lay off the Robitussin and come up with your own inventions instead of stealing other peoples!"

Retorted Michel, "You just made my list Fernbrook Resort, right after Brazzaville. And Liechtenstein. Screw you Liechtenstein, we’re coming for you."

The Fernbrook Resort round waffle (popularly known as the safety waffle due to it's lack of sharp corners) has become the center of a diplomatic dispute between Fernbrook Resort and the cough syrup drinking natiion of Belgium.

Peeping Tomfoolery, Petty Thievery & a bowl of piping hot Purina Instant Rooster Chow at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Peeping Tomfoolery, Petty Thievery & a bowl of piping hot Purina Instant Rooster Chow at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

I thought that New Year’s would bring new resolutions and new behavior to the chickens (and roosters) of Fernbrook Resort.

But I guess not.

What was it this time?

Well, the morning hours of January 22nd, 2015 saw another incident of peeping tomfoolery at famous Fernbrook Resort of Freelton.

Yup.

It was alleged by a human neighbor that one overly chubby male chicken (or rooster) was seen opening a neighbor’s shed in the dead of morning. Before THE sun was up. Grabbed a little something from the shed’s inventory, stuck it under his wing, and flew off to crow about it.  

Which sounds strange.

Now it is a zoological fact that whenever sober, rooster’s rise before the crack of dawn. So this scenario sounds entirely plausible.

But it is also a zoological fact that roosters don’t use tools.

Roosters don’t have hands so they can’t use tools. Yes, roosters are incredibly unhandy. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that a rooster quit his job as a handychicken to hide the fact that he wasn’t handy at all. That it was the humans he worked beside that were handy. And that he is just all wings. Riding the coattails of his co-workers accomplishments and claiming them for his own. But when they left their job… he had to quit too. Or get plucked himself. Which would have been a massive blow to his giant waffle (or ego).

The thing is, is that it just might get worse for Rooster. Unless he wants to sit down over a bowl of piping hot Microwaveable Purina Instant Rooster Chow™ (now with extra larva) and discuss his narcissistic personality disorder that is.

If rooster is not going to turn over a new leaf, if he’s going to keep acting like a chicken, then he is going to get seriously plucked.

Cock-a-doodle-OUCH, my poor waffle!!!!