Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Vandalism – A Play in Three Acts

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Vandalism – A Play in Three Acts

(or Fernbrook Resort Freelton Citizens Vandalism Spree is Being Orchestrated by the Great and Powerful Rooster of Fernbrook Resort Freelton).

PROLOGUE

Whenever a criminal act is committed within the borders of Fernbrook Resort Freelton its citizens always proclaim, ‘It wasn’t us. It was summer people. Or tourists. Or random visitors from Freelton.’ Or else they blame kids. In short they blame anyone but themselves. Adults.

Now this is not to say that some of those accusations aren’t correct. They could be. But just not one hundred percent correct. Because year round Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents do vandalize. But neighbours just look the other way.

Case in point?

A certain neighbouring family that is dripping with undesirable qualities have had certain garden elements repeatedly tampered with.

Here’s what the neighbours had to say in what was thought to be a candid moment. And, for fun, we’re going to dramatize how it played out in three short acts.

THE EVENTS OF THIS SHORT PLAY ARE TRUE. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED. TO PROTECT THE STUPID. (Though if you recognize yourself in this then please contact Rooster’s lawyer. That guy is great.)

ACT I

“…I heard something so I looked out my window and I saw him vandalizing those undesirable neighbours garden element,” said Fred Fakefriendly to Noreen Notsasiceaspreviouslypretended.

“Are you going to say anything?” she asked back.

“Nope.”

Then, after a few more pleasantries and asides, Noreen returned to her coop.

But She Didn’t Stand Pat.

ACT II

A phone rings and the Great and Powerful Rooster picks it up.

“Rooster, oh Rooster, you better watch out,” said Noreen, “A neighbour saw Bob Batteringram vandalizing over at the Undesirable Neighbours.”

“Thank you for letting me know oh lesser chicken,” replied the Great and Powerful Rooster, “I will let Mr. Batteringram know to be more careful.”

“Thank you for accepting my call Oh Rooster.”

“Hang up the phone lesser chicken, I have urgent business to address,” Rooster applied condescendingly.    

Though the real reason he wanted Notsasiceaspreviouslypretended to hang up then phone was because He didn’t know how to hang up a phone himself

ACT III

After repeatedly misdialing his phone the Great and Powerful Rooster orders his little hen to dial the number for him. Then she hands the phone to him.

“Hello? Bobby?” the Great and Powerful Rooster enquired anxiously.

“Yes my Liege Chicken and Lord,” Batteringram replied. Instantly recognizing the voice of Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s most powerful chicken.

“You’ve got to be more careful. Someone saw you vandalizing over at the Undesirable Neighbours last night.”

“Are they going to say anything?” Bobby asked?

“Of course not. No one disobeys me. Unless they are undesirable of course. But still… you’ve got to be careful. I wish there was something else I could order you to damage.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Chickens don’t have ears,” the Great and Powerful Rooster replied.

“Pardon?”

Louder this time: “I said chickens don’t have ears.”

“PARDON??”

“Ohhhh… Okay, listen,” Rooster said next, “there’s something I want you to steal from the Undesirable Neighbours garage.” Then He told Bobby what he wanted removed.

“Yes Mein Herr,” Bobby Batteringram replied. “Anything else?”

“Yes. Hang up the phone.”

“What?”

Then after an overlong pause.

“Hen,” Rooster called out, “Can you hang up the phone for me... I can’t remember how to do that again,” he said as he scratched his cock’s comb with his free wing.  

END OF PLAY

So, Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens do know who at least some of the vandals are, perhaps, sometimes, it is guests. Or others. But when named residents are seen vandalizing and they go unreported… I guess it’s easier to blame your neighbour’s kids. Or summer people. And everyone else. When the ‘Adults’ (notice the quotes) are both a source of the problem AND the solution.     

Or maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe we just want to hear ourselves complain – but we don’t want the vandalism to stop (unless we’re the victims) because, after all, vandalism is Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s national pastime.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Officially Opens 2017 Vandalism Season

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Officially Opens 2017 Vandalism Season

Doc Ballard, His Worship the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Freelton 

  

“Grab your bats, your bricks, your rocks and your other implements of urban destruction” declared Doc Ballard, the feisty Lord Mayor of the horseshoe wearing nation, “for I now declare Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s 2017 Vandalism Season to be Officially Opened.”

Then to kick off the festivities His Worship marched over to the home of an undesirable neighbour and began vandalizing random items as a roaring crowd cheered its approval.

“This makes me so proud,” said Henrietta Hogwash while watching with her kids, “Today’s children need positive role models… and what better model for them than one of our leading citizens damaging inanimate objects for no other reason than that they’re there.”

Henrietta Hogwash brought her kids the festivities.

Said Larry Laissez-Faire, “Not only that but it’s also great for the economy. It keeps factories churning out goods. Which helps keep employment high. I just wish more people would look at vandalism as a positive instead of a negative.”

Larry Laissez-Faire says, "vandalism is great for our nation's economy!"

And Darwin Garbagedisposal was also pleased with the events “We have all these landfills sitting around empty and going to pot. So why not fill them up with items that would otherwise enjoy years of utility and continued use? I mean we can always build more landfills? Right?”

"We can always build more landfills," suggested Darwin Garbage disposal 

However the last word went to His Worship Doc Ballard, “At first I was kinda pissed off that citizens were damaging Government Buildings and Property, abandoned trailers, and the homes of undesirable neighbours prior to the official opening of the vandalism season. But then I thought, ‘hey, if we open the season early we can get some tourists in here then blame them for our own shortcomings. With elections coming up I’ve got to think strategically.’ Hey, does anyone mind if I throw a cement block through that abandoned trailer’s window,” the Lord Mayor barked to no one in particular as he picked up a cement block then heaved it through the window of a parked car.

“Hey, that’s my car,” someone yelled out.

“Oops, my bad,” yelped the Lord Mayor with a mischievous grin. “But anyone who complains about vandalism is undesirable and deserves what they get.”

“Oh… Well… I wasn’t actually complaining… Per se,” the voice replied. “And where did His Worship park his vehicle?” he asked.

“HEY! That’s not funny – I just had it detailed.”

“Don’t tell me you’re complaining?”

“Oh… No… Ummm… I… Ahhh… Hmmm.”

"It this the Lord Mayor's vehicle?" 

"You Can't Run and We Can Hide," Turd Terrorists of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Declare

"You Can't Run and We Can Hide," Turd Terrorists of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Declare

"I love the smell of napoo in the morning," said Colonel Kurt Z Douche.

The tired Turd Terrorsim War conducted by the Chicken’s of Fernbrook Resort Freelton saw several fresh faeces deposits this week – to the delight of Fernbrook Resort Freelton natives – though no damaged footwear to report. Much to their disappointment.

"Where to napoo next?" ponders Colonel Douche.

To get a sense how the war is progressing this reporter talked to Colonel Kurt Z Douche of the Forces of Chicken.

“Fantastic,” was Colonel Douche’s terse response.

“My portable Poo Attacking Machine, whom I've named Sally Forth after my brave attitude, is now running at optimum efficiency. The turds are of a quality unmatched in previous attacks. Whooo boy do I ever love the smell of a fresh batch of Napoo™ in the morning,” crowed Colonel Douche. “I love that smell… faeces… it’s the smell of victory!”

"I'm not so bad... it's my douch-y human" remarked pooch Sally Forth.

So you enjoy allowing your portable Poo Attacking Machine loose on the neighbour’s lawns?

“Yes, it makes me feel so proud. It gives my heart an attack of pleasure to see my little poo factory dropping a nice log on a neighbour’s lawn. It makes me feel like I could live forever. That I’m tough. And that I am superior to those who don’t bow down and kiss the Great and Powerful Rooster’s feather covered exterior.”

So you don’t feel like a fool and a complete and utter phony pretending to be nice and polite to folk’s faces while letting your pooch defecate on their lawns when their back is turned? In other words a douche?

Colonel Douche reflects on his phoniness and lack of character.

“Who are you really?” Colonel Douche screamed suddenly, “Are you a character assassin?”

“No, I’m a journalist who viewed camera footage of you letting your pooch poop all over the neighbourhood.”

 

“You are neither. You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.”

And you’re nothing but a stupid large sized folic-ly challenged douche. A Douche who wears a phony face and pretends to be nice on the outside to hide the large amount of crap that you store inside. Crap that you deposit on the lawns of others. What is Fernbrook Resort going to say about you? What? Are they going to say that you were a kind man? That you were a wise man? That you had plans? Yeah you had plans? Plans of dogshit, man! But you’re so shallow you can’t even notice the complete lack of depth in your character.” 

“Oh… The horror... the horror...”

"What happens when people find out I'm an actual douche and not just a namesake?" asked Colonle Douche of himself.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Little Red-Haired Girl Strikes Again

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Little Red-Haired Girl Strikes Again

"This is so embarrassing, I'm just glad no ones around to take a picture!"

Just like the little red haired girl from the Charlie Brown comic strip by Charles Schultz an obsession is involved. But unlike the comic strip no one seems to be obsessed with her. No. She’s the one with the obsession. Obsessed with being meaning. And obsessed with being thoughtless too.

"It wasn't me... I'm a nice red haired girl."

As has been mention previously there are some privately placed cameras around the environs of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. And those cameras have caught her previously allowing her dog to purposely poop on people’s lawns. Then walking away with a big happy grin on her face. Well that might be an exaggeration. But she certainly didn’t look sad.

However this time it was a little different according to a victimized neighbour. It was between 11 AM and 12 AM of the day. And, usually, she walks out of the west. But this time she approached from the east side. Turned the corner and made a beelin onto the lawn and literally drags the dog – who doesn’t really seem to want to stop there – onto the lawn after her. Then she stops. Stands there. And waits. And waits. And waits. Finally the dog does its deed. THEN she walks the entire length of the lawn before exiting back onto the roadway.

"That girl is a slur on all the good gingers," declared Charles Schultz.

Why would she do that?

Because a vehicle was approaching. Right? So she had to drag her dog onto the lawn then walk the entire length on the grass. Nope. No vehicle of any sort passed by. Nor did any pedestrian walk by. Which might have necessitated being forced off the road (there are no sidewalks). So, the only conclusion is that she did it on purpose. Forced her dog to relieve itself on the neighbour’s lawn. And if you doubt it then why the dragging of the dog? And then why the long pitstop and patient wait? A determined wait that ended only after the dog conducted its transaction then pulled her to continue.

I asked the neighbours and they have had no altercations with this red headed yo-yo of a girl who seems to be determined to go out of her way to be mean and thoughtless.

So why is the little red haired girl so determined to be mean and thoughtless? What happens in someone’s life that makes them go out of their way to be rude just for the sake of being rude?

We’ll never know.

But I’ll bet her parents must be proud of her. “That’s our pride and joy that’s being publicly feted,” they’ll say when they hear of her actions. “We’re just so so proud.”

"She's not my daughter, she's your daughter!" "No, No, No, that embarrassment is your daughter!!"  

Though maybe it’s not her parents at all.

Perhaps she thinks that she’s better than everyone else. After all Van Morrison did write a forgettable song about her (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2016/11/van-morrison-releases-new-song-inspired.html). A song that made Rooster brown with envy  http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2016/11/turds-or-tunes-its-toss-up-for-great.html.

Or maybe it’s neither. Maybe there’s something in the water that makes Fernbrook Resort Freelton Residents so kind and thoughtful towards each other. So she can’t be blamed at all.

Fortunately for me I’m a big milk drinker.