Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Vandalism – A Play in Three Acts

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Vandalism – A Play in Three Acts

(or Fernbrook Resort Freelton Citizens Vandalism Spree is Being Orchestrated by the Great and Powerful Rooster of Fernbrook Resort Freelton).

PROLOGUE

Whenever a criminal act is committed within the borders of Fernbrook Resort Freelton its citizens always proclaim, ‘It wasn’t us. It was summer people. Or tourists. Or random visitors from Freelton.’ Or else they blame kids. In short they blame anyone but themselves. Adults.

Now this is not to say that some of those accusations aren’t correct. They could be. But just not one hundred percent correct. Because year round Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents do vandalize. But neighbours just look the other way.

Case in point?

A certain neighbouring family that is dripping with undesirable qualities have had certain garden elements repeatedly tampered with.

Here’s what the neighbours had to say in what was thought to be a candid moment. And, for fun, we’re going to dramatize how it played out in three short acts.

THE EVENTS OF THIS SHORT PLAY ARE TRUE. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED. TO PROTECT THE STUPID. (Though if you recognize yourself in this then please contact Rooster’s lawyer. That guy is great.)

ACT I

“…I heard something so I looked out my window and I saw him vandalizing those undesirable neighbours garden element,” said Fred Fakefriendly to Noreen Notsasiceaspreviouslypretended.

“Are you going to say anything?” she asked back.

“Nope.”

Then, after a few more pleasantries and asides, Noreen returned to her coop.

But She Didn’t Stand Pat.

ACT II

A phone rings and the Great and Powerful Rooster picks it up.

“Rooster, oh Rooster, you better watch out,” said Noreen, “A neighbour saw Bob Batteringram vandalizing over at the Undesirable Neighbours.”

“Thank you for letting me know oh lesser chicken,” replied the Great and Powerful Rooster, “I will let Mr. Batteringram know to be more careful.”

“Thank you for accepting my call Oh Rooster.”

“Hang up the phone lesser chicken, I have urgent business to address,” Rooster applied condescendingly.    

Though the real reason he wanted Notsasiceaspreviouslypretended to hang up then phone was because He didn’t know how to hang up a phone himself

ACT III

After repeatedly misdialing his phone the Great and Powerful Rooster orders his little hen to dial the number for him. Then she hands the phone to him.

“Hello? Bobby?” the Great and Powerful Rooster enquired anxiously.

“Yes my Liege Chicken and Lord,” Batteringram replied. Instantly recognizing the voice of Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s most powerful chicken.

“You’ve got to be more careful. Someone saw you vandalizing over at the Undesirable Neighbours last night.”

“Are they going to say anything?” Bobby asked?

“Of course not. No one disobeys me. Unless they are undesirable of course. But still… you’ve got to be careful. I wish there was something else I could order you to damage.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Chickens don’t have ears,” the Great and Powerful Rooster replied.

“Pardon?”

Louder this time: “I said chickens don’t have ears.”

“PARDON??”

“Ohhhh… Okay, listen,” Rooster said next, “there’s something I want you to steal from the Undesirable Neighbours garage.” Then He told Bobby what he wanted removed.

“Yes Mein Herr,” Bobby Batteringram replied. “Anything else?”

“Yes. Hang up the phone.”

“What?”

Then after an overlong pause.

“Hen,” Rooster called out, “Can you hang up the phone for me... I can’t remember how to do that again,” he said as he scratched his cock’s comb with his free wing.  

END OF PLAY

So, Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens do know who at least some of the vandals are, perhaps, sometimes, it is guests. Or others. But when named residents are seen vandalizing and they go unreported… I guess it’s easier to blame your neighbour’s kids. Or summer people. And everyone else. When the ‘Adults’ (notice the quotes) are both a source of the problem AND the solution.     

Or maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe we just want to hear ourselves complain – but we don’t want the vandalism to stop (unless we’re the victims) because, after all, vandalism is Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s national pastime.