Oprah Winfrey, The ‘L’ Word and Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Oprah Winfrey, The ‘L’ Word and Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Oprah Winfrey meets and greets some Fernbrook Resort fans!

Oprah Winfrey visited the grand nation of Fernbrook Resort this week with the mission of introducing the once reclusive nation to the world. During her stay Ms. Winfrey interviewed many of Fernbrook Resort’s famous and powerful including the Right Honourable Fredex Purolator, Earl of UPS and also the little nation’s Minister of Free Speech and Expedited Parcels.

"Our nation believes in utterly complete and free speech," crowed Purolator. "You can say what you want whenever you want to with no repercussions."

"So you have no problem with… let’s say profanity?" asked Winfrey.

"Oh, well of course not. In fact we encourage our citizens not only to swear but to do so at the tops of their lungs. Whenever the mood strikes them. Or just when they want to prove how tough they are. You know us chickens… we much prefer loud tough talk tossed from a than to getting our precious feathers ruffled."

"But what if children are present?"

"So much the better," replied Purolator. "Do you want young children learning to cuss from television? The internet? Or on the street? No! You want them to learn from mature adults. Who hide behind fences. Or inside of houses. Or some other safe place where they can act their toughness without actually having to proof that they’re tough."

Ohhhhh…..kayyyyyy," said Winfrey, "and how about name calling?"

"Exact same thing as swearing loudly and needlessly. Just do it!"

Fernbrook Resort’s Fredex Purolator, Earl of UPS
and Minister of Free Speech and Expedited Parcels gets upset

"So," said Winfrey," what if you wanted to call someone a…." and here she pulled out a list and scanned it before making a selection, "what if you wanted to call someone a… a… a… a ‘Lurch’."

"NO!" screamed Fredex Purolator suddenly, "NO! YOU NEVER CALL SOMEONE A LURCH!"

"But you just said – "

"NO!" screamed Purolator a second time. "I hate being called a Lurch. I hate it. Don’t ever say that word. It’s mean and it’s hurtful and it can hurt people’s feelings." The Minister sniffled with tears in his eyes. "Names like that can really hurt…"

"But…"

Fredex Purolator,
after getting his panties in a knot, disrobes and lurchs away 

"NO. That’s it. STOP!" Fredex Purolator said with tears in his eyes. "Never use the ‘L’ word. NEVER! I hate it! I hate being called Lurch. It’s the one thing I hate! Don’t ever say that around me. EVER! And don’t ever refer to me as a horrible boob either. Or my friends. Because that might hurt their feelings too!"

"But in all truth you do move and resemble a Lurch."

"That’s it… This interview is over…" and as the Minister started crying even harder he jumped up from his chair, ripped off all of his clothes and lurched from the interview like a five year old child screaming "Don’t call me Lurch, don’t say the word lurch…Don’t don’t don’t…"