Pope Francis conducts Boxing Day Sermon at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Pope Francis conducts Boxing Day Sermon at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Since the papacy was instituted close to two thousand years ago the sitting Pope has made a Boxing Day tradition of visiting leper filled islands, truckstops and trailer parks to deliver a homily.

This year Pope Francis visited Fernbrook Resort in Freelton, Ontario. And, after greeting the tiny nation’s ruler, the Lord Mayor Doc Ballard, the Pope issued a scathing sermon that brought under fire the dog-ruled nation’s staunch anti-feline policies, it’s framing of North Korea in the recent SONY hack scandal and the culture of gossip which is a custom at the resort.

Pope Francis’ message particularly emphasized the importance of avoiding all forms of gossip and slander.

“It’s so rotten, gossip. At the beginning, it seems to be something enjoyable and fun, like a piece of candy. But at the end, it fills the heart with bitterness and also poisons us,” Pope Francis said.

“I tell you the truth,” he preached to the capacity crowd that overflowed into the jacuzzi area, “I am convinced that if each one of us would purposely avoid gossip, at the end, we would become a saint! It’s a beautiful path!”

“Do we want to become saints? Yes or no?” the Pope queried, “and do we want to live attached to gossip as a habit?” he continued, “Yes or no? No? Okay, so we are in agreement! No gossip!”

From here Pope Francis touched on the Fifth Commandment, “Do not kill,” and went on to add, “but I say to you: that even words can kill.”

Explained the Pope. “When it is said that someone has the tongue of a serpent it means that their words kill. Therefore, not only must one not make a physical attempt on the life of another, but one must not even pour on them the poison of anger and hit them with slander, nor speak ill of them. And here we arrive at gossip. Gossip can also kill, because it kills the reputation of the person,” stressed the Holy Father.

The Pope then summarized, “From all of this, one understands that more than disciplinary observance and exterior conduct is important. Just as important is intention and what lies in the human heart, where our good or bad actions originate.

“Good and honest behavior,” he said, does not come merely from “juridical norms.”

Pope Francis then led the crowds in the traditional Trailer Park prayer for protection from tornadoes, black flies and rental increases before he greeted the various pilgrim groups present with a “Go Leafs!” and wishing everyone “lots of Boxing day bargains.”

When the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook was asked for a comment on Pope Francis’ sermon Doc Ballard yapped, “Hell, I got no worries, don’t you know that All Dogs go to Heaven.”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Implicated in “The Interview” SONY Hacking Scandal

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Implicated in “The Interview” SONY Hacking Scandal

The tiny anti-Feline nation of Fernbrook Resort was named by North Korean leader Kim Jong Un as the real culprit behind the SONY hacks.

“Why does everyone always blame us?” sniffed a tearful Kim in his nation’s defence. “Why doesn’t anyone like us? The only country that sent us a Christmas card this year was Vatican City. And that’s not even a real country…”

Further questioning of the portly North Korean leader proved impossible as he broke down in tears and began sobbing uncontrollably, forcing his handlers to lead him away.

“Sure it was us,” boasted Fernbrook’s Lord Mayor Doc Ballard a geriatric long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage when contacted by mental telepathy. “You really think a nation ruled by a fat guy named Kim has the cajones to pull off something like this? I bet you he’s quivering in his noodles and crying in his teacups right now. Boo hoo hoo hoo,” he growled sarcastically.

When asked what Fernbrook has against Seth Rogen’s and the now cancelled movie, ‘The Interview’ the Lord Mayor replied succintly, “Nothing man. That dude is cool.” When asked what he thought of James Franco, the movie’s other star, the Doc replied: “Like I said, Seth Rogen is cool.”

According to Fernbrook Resort insiders, the anti Feline nation believed that SONY was remaking the movie ‘That Darn Cat’. And it was this rumour that led to the hack. When the rumour proved false they decided to arrange the hack to make it look like North Korea did it.

“My bad,” replied Doc Ballard, “you can never be too careful. But let this be a message to those who would oppose us, the nation of Fernbrook Resort will not put up with pro cat sentiments and feline propaganda. Nations of the world you have been warned!” Before adding, “Hey, has anyone seen my ducky chew toy? Because it was here a second ago.”

When told that North Korea was upset over being falsely accused the Lord Mayor seemed unrepentant. “Why the crap don’t they grow up. Fine, I’ll send an apology card, a box of Kleenex and one gross of super absorbent Depend™ Undergarments. That ought to fill their traps. But if I hear one more sob from that nation of crybabies then I’m going to kick them right off the Internet.”

Editor’s note: At press time internet service to North Korea had yet to be restored.

Another Break & Enter at Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Police Baffled!

It happened again.

Yet one more strange break-in at fashionable Fernbrook Resort in Freelton, the latest in a string of crimes that has left investigators completely baffled. Though not completely clueless.

“I walked into my home,” said a tearful Amanda Muffinbottom, “and immediately I could smell it. Pine-Sol. And I don’t use Pine-Sol when I clean.” When pressed about her cleaning habits Ms. Muffinbottom confessed, “Quite honestly I really don’t even clean that often. Just for special occasions. You now… Like Arbour Day. Or Cat Steven’s birthday,” she trailed off, “But now, now I won’t even be able to do that.”

But that wasn’t all.

Apparently the criminal mastermind also washed her windows. Before reorganizing her cutlery drawer. And finally topping up her candy dish.

“I feel… I feel so violated. So, so clean,” she said sadly. “It’s not like my home anymore. It’s like I’m at some really fancy hotel. You know something ritzy… like a Holiday Inn. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. How could somebody do this to? What right do they have do they have to just walk right into a stranger’s home and start house cleaning? And where were the police when this was going on?”

An employee of Molly Maid who spoke on the condition of anonymity said that she’s never seen anything like it. “When it comes to cleaning up after B&E’s, usually we see missing items. Petty vandalism. The joint’s messed up a bit. But this is quite the opposite. Not only is nothing missing but it appears that they’ve cleaned up the place. Quite honestly I don’t know what the heck she’s complaining about. Her place is so spotless that the cops couldn’t even find her DNA let alone the culprit who committed this fingerquote crime. I wonder if they’re looking for a job?”

The only clue the police have as to the ‘criminal’s’ identity is a single solitary gold earring that was dropped behind. And although unconfirmed, one neighbour did report seeing a suspicious individual walking through the neighbourhood toting a can of lemon fresh Pledge.

When asked what charges the criminal might face an anonymous police source indicated off the record, that if it was up to them, that they would make them clean up the Station House. And then sweep out the parking lot. ]

“I just hope they catch who’s ever behind this and put a stop to it,” Amanda Muffinbottom concluded, “People breaking in and cleaning stranger’s homes. What is this world coming to? What’s next… tidying their lawns. Or making sure that their bills are paid on time. This has got to stop. If not for our sakes then the children. Think of the children.”

Police are believed to be looking for a six foot two inch bald man wearing white shoes, white slacks, a white tee shirt and sporting a single gold earring.

Said one officer, “Catching this guy really isn’t at the top of our list but if we do I could sure as hell use some cleaning tips… because I can’t afford a maid service and my place really sucks.”

Contracting a Killing: Death Doesn’t Take a Holiday at Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Yet.

That summer story about the allegation of a murder being plotted at prestigious Fernbrook Resort is still being played out.

When last we spoke there was a cabal of cabelleros who, because of a personality conflict, wanted a neighbour put out of their misery.

Yeah. They’re the ones who are suffering. Right.

And the unforgiveable crime? The neighbour did not massage the massive egos and kiss the mountainous asses of the caballeros to the degree that the cabal’s members required.

How could anyone not agree that the neighbour was an unmitigated jerk for failing to worship the very ground that they graced with their presence?

Yeah, right.

But as a result of this awful behaviour the cabal decided that the neighbour’s fate was to be an unlined pine box. Can you imagine… just because of a personality conflict, death was prescribed. Makes you wonder who the jerks really are.

May God have mercy on their souls.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Anyway the cabal made contact with a group who deals in matters of ongoing existence and casually placed one order of death.

And that’s where the rub of these rubes begins.

They quickly found out that contracting a killing is not quite as movies and television portray. In Fictionville contracting a murder is just as easy as super-sizing your fries and Pepsi at the local McDonalds. You want it well you got it.

But in actuality the Families and Organizations who carefully consider such requests have a code of morals or etiquette (or whatever you want to call it) that they closely adhere to. Chief among these rules is that contracts on the lives of innocents are not permitted. An innocent being a child, someone who does good, someone who is honest, someone who has kept their nose clean. You get the idea. A regular goody two-shoes. In contrast, Contracts of Demise are reserved for those who have some connection to the shadier side of life. Business rivals. Criminals. Those who insult one the Families, Organizations or their associates. People who do bad things. Those whose noses have not been kept spotlessly clean. Those who disobey direct orders. Understood?

And because the intended target did not fall into that latter category, the contract was declined and the cabal was told: “No.”

Well, that’s not completely true. Those who govern matters of contract killings actually went a step further. They did not just simply just say, “no.” They were a little more specific. They were ordered to, “LEAVE X ALONE!”

And so you think that that would be the end of that. That ‘X’ would be left unmolested.

But the cabal, in their narcissistic wisdom, decided, quote, unquote: “well, if we want this done than we’re going to have to do it ourselves.”  

Can you imagine a dumber course of action than thumbing your nose at a decision made by certain influential Families and/or Organizations. I can’t. You’re getting your nose dirty and you’re disobeying a directive. Both behaviours of which are in insults.

And that’s four strikes.

In baseball it only take three strikes to knock someone out. One less than four. And let me tell you right now, this isn’t a game of baseball. This is a business. And in this business, one strike is all you get. After all, they have a reputation to maintain.

One murder, well, that’s a tragedy. But a bunch of deaths? That’s simply a statistic.

So if a tragedy occurs at fabulous Fernbrook Resort… a statistic will follow.

You can count on it.
 
Cock-a-doodle-do n’t ask for whom the bell tolls…

An Address on the State of Emotional Affairs at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Have you ever seen that cartoon where some poor schmo is walking his dog down the street and a piano lands on the dog walker’s head? Resulting in a large pointy bump with stars and tweeting birds floating around the injury? I always figured that if that guy had just walked down another street then he wouldn’t have been hit by that piano. You can’t blame him for the bump… but he has to take responsibility for choosing to walk down that particular street when he could have walked down any other and remained bump free.

It was his choice.

And that’s my simple philosophy.

Man up to the consequences of the choices you make.

And what does that have to do with the state of affairs at Fernbrook Resort in Freelton.

Well, there is a neighbour at Fernbrook who has been mouthing off to another neighbour over the course of the last year. Snide comments and smart remarks. In a notably feeble attempt to put that family in their ‘place’. Perhaps to show who’s their better so to speak.

But a funny thing happened.

The neighbour who was the target of the verbal assaults, after a long stoic period, finally decided to return the verbal barrage. Sending a scathing and embarrassing barrage right back at the attacker.

And so what did the attacker do?

Return the salvo perhaps?

Nope.

Instead the attacker starts playing the poor victim. Oh alas poor me is the repeated plaintive cry of this injured neighbour. Woe. Woe. Woe. Why? Why? Why?

Yeah, that’s right, instead of owning up and admitting to instigating the current state of affairs… the attacker has begun acting like the aggrieved party.

Has been going around squeaking bloody murder.

Saying that they are somewhat surprised at the sudden state of affairs and can find no good reason. “What a Jerk!” is this neighbour’s repeated cry. Though has found some sympathy among the easily swayed.

As a spectator to this tempest in a teapot is if you can’t stand the heat then you should stay out of the kitchen. Or, hey, you made the bad choice so you gotta take the bitter medicine. And how about, don’t pick a fight then complain when you end up with a few bruises.

Cock-a-doodle if you can’t take it then perhaps you shouldn’t be dishing it out.

Pillsbury Dough Bake Off held at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Pillsbury Dough Bake Off held at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

The Pillsbury Dough Bake Off is one of the world’s most popular events. Though not quite as well received as the Olympic Games or the Miss Nude World Pageant, still it is much more popular than the International Ebola Fair and the World Cup of Soccer.

 

The quadrennial event is always well attended and famous faces seen in the crowd at this year’s Bake Off included such renowned gastronomists as Justin Timberlake, Chef Boy-ar-Dee, Duncan Hines, Dr & Mrs. Pepper, Mr. & Mrs. Walter Butterworth and that Rooster from the box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.

 

                                                                                                                                                                       

No doubt you will remember there was an international public outcry when much more popular (and some say more suitable) choices of Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and the Marianas Trench were passed over in favour of tiny Fernbrook Resort. Criticisms of Fernbrook included its inability to afford the games, the remoteness of the venues and the unusual ritual of fecal matter flinging which is an accepted part of daily life in the tiny enclave.

But the little resort proved them wrong.

The games, which were presided over by the mayor of the resort ‘Doc Ballard’ a geriatric long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage, were an overwhelming success. Generating revenues in excess of over $380 stemming mostly from lost change and deposit bottles rescued from the trash. Plans for the money include the mowing of lawns, filling of potholes and an investment in nuclear weapons.

“Watch out Millgrove,” yapped Doc Ballard, “We’re coming for you!”

Results from the marquee events of the 2014 Pillsbury Dough Bake Off saw pigs-in-a-blanket winning the sack race, Snap Crackle and Pop winning the six-legged race and a rather large Toad-in-the-Hole won the egg in spoon competition. Disappointingly, the Jolly Green Giant won the weight-lifting competition but was later disqualified when a drug test showed high amounts of ‘extract of green pea’ present in his urine.  

As always, the closing of the games is marked by the Great Smorgasbord. Where attendees are encouraged to over indulge themselves on a variety of treats.

Barked Doc Ballard as part of his closing remarks, “I officially declare these games to be closed.” Before he jumped off the podium and added unawares that the microphone could still catch his voice… “Damn that was a hell of a fine smorgasbord…and what I wouldn’t give for the occasional Gaines Burger. Because anything beats a big steaming bowl of Al poo.”

Cock-a-doodle ouch!

 



Bitter Homes & Gardens (Edition 2) at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Bitter Homes & Gardens (Edition 2) at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

A prior blog (Bitter Homes & Gardens and the Bully of Fernbrook Resort, Freelton) has been dedicated to the past antics of the bitterest bully of Fernbrook Resort. For those who don’t remember, he is distinctive in both voice and appearance. If you don’t believe it you can check out his doppelganger at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KtRJNaGPlk .

So what’s the bully of Fernbrook Resort been up to lately?

Well, after sixteen long years, he finally got an indoor dishwasher. Yeah, that’s right, he moved his decorative haute couture dishwasher indoors from his backyard. What a shame as it was the only thing adding any class to the yard. I’m not sure why the sudden redecorating but maybe he’s gonna start washing his paper plates and dixie cups indoors.

Best of all, with all the man-hours he saves washing plastic cutlery he has more time to devote to being a bitter bully. So what’s he added to his repertoire?

According to one early awakened neighbor and some other early awakening neighbors it has been alleged that this good ole boy has started awakening and annoying them in the early AM hours. How? Well, instead of just driving his vehicle out, he drives around and out of his way to flash the high beams (of his vehicle NOT his wife – wow you have a dirty mind) into a home BEFORE making his exit. He goes out of his way to do this. He takes a circuitous route that delays his exit, flicking on and then off his high beams after he passes the home witnesses allege. This new behavior has happened consistently over a couple of weeks. What a https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35WgpMq6e3o

But on further reflection… maybe he’s not doing this to be mean. Maybe he’s just doing this to see what’s inside the homes of others. He’s looking for decorating tips. And one of those tips that he garnered was that a dishwasher is meant to be installed in a home. Not in a yard.

If that is in fact true, here’s some other home decorating hints that he might consider:

 - Replacing that collection of crying clowns on black velvet. I would say that they are out of fashion but I don’t think they were ever in fashion.

 - Get rid of all those lawn gnomes and that plastic flock of pink flamingos. They went out of style about the same time crying clowns on black velvet came into style. never.

 - In fact why not donate all the ‘objets d’art’ that are ‘decorating’ the yard (notice the quote marks – they weren’t placed their for humorous intent).Every one will appreciate you for not only classing up a dump but also for making a charitable offering to the local landfill.

 - And how about putting air in the tires of any vehicles adorning your property. It improves not only their aesthetics but also their gas mileage.

You’re probably thinking that this is the end – but by all appearances this is just the beginning.

Cock-a-doodle-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWNFB71MvTs