United Nations Accepts Declaration of War Against the Chickens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

United Nations Accepts Declaration of War Against the Chickens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton



Come and read a funny story about the great and powerful rooster
a cowardly little chicken who flung faeces...
(sung to the Beverly Hillbillies tune)



Peter Thomson: "Why the hell hasn't
Kelloggs come up with a breakfast
cereal with a chicken flavoring?"

 It is now official, the United Nations has accepted a declaration of war against all chickens and chickenkind located on or around the environs of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

Once upon a time Fernbrook Resort Freelton was one of earth’s most well-respected nations. But in recent times the faeces flinging state has fallen out of favour. Thefts, vandalism, questionable social antics and the rise of turd terrorism have made Fernbrook Resort Freelton the pariah state of the western hemisphere.

Peter Thomson, soon to be president of the seventy-first UN General Assembly had this to say, “personally I love chicken. I would eat it three times a day if I could. But no one’s ever come up with a chicken flavored breakfast cereal. Isn’t that a great idea… a chicken flavored breakfast cereal… hmmmph.” Then after a long pause he added, “Anyway when I saw this war declaration thingy come across my desk I figured I love chicken… just not that kind of chicken. So it’s fine and jim dandy with me if their numbers get culled.”

Pope Francis and friends share a
laugh over a roast chicken meal.

Pope Francis was playing hopscotch behind the Vatican with some Cardinals when informed about the war and Peter Thomson’s comments.

“A chicken flavoured cereal… what a great idea. Who wouldn’t like some chicken for breakfast… I can’t believe someone hasn’t thought of that before.  Huh. Anyway, personally, I don’t like war… but as long as all the indulgences are paid up I figure what the hell… sorry I meant to say heck. But there better not be any hitting below the belt. Though then when you think about it chickens don’t have anything below the belt. Roosters either. Ha ha ha ha ha. I think God will forgive me for that low blow but I couldn’t resist. Nothing below the belt. Ha ha ha ha ha. Mom was right, I should have gone into comedy.”

Colonel Harland T Sanders will be leading the war against the chickens and his unique strategy involves using a batter, several secret herbs and spices and ovens preset to 350 degrees Fahrenheit for approximately 45 minutes.

"And don't forget to try our
chicken poutine!"

“We’re going to feast on these suckers, it’ll be a finger lickin’ good time,” Colonel Sanders predicted. “And for a limited time only we’re giving free refills on pop and a Colonel Sanders bank for the kids. Remember kids, another penny saved is another penny earned, that’s a lesson I was mighty young to learn.”  

The United Nations and Kentucky Fried Chicken have issued a joint statement asking all spectators to bring plenty of fries, soup and salad as they expect this battle to be both entertaining anmd delicious.

The leader of the chickens the great and powerful rooster was asked to comment on the situation and he replied, “ur ur ur ur urrrrrrh!” before running away like a chicken with its head cut off.

File photo of a young Private Harland (Harry) Sanders during the fast food wars of the 1970's.

Royal LePage wins Hotly Contested By-Election at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Royal LePage wins Hotly Contested By-Election at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

In a stunning upset Realtor Royal LePage won the right to represent the Feces-Town district in the ClubHouse of Commons after the recent Fernbrook Resort by-election.

The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, Doc Ballard, a long haired mongrel of undetermined parentage, upon hearing of the election’s results, while disappointed that his party did not win, took some solace in the fact that the winning candidate did not appear to be pro-feline. "I hate cats. And I can’t stand Millgrove. Screw you Millgrove, we’re coming for you!" he growled to the press.

The seat was left vacant when the thirty-two year incumbent, a man left cataleptic after a 1983 car accident, quit as a result of Pope Francis’ very public criticisms of the canine ruled nation (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/pope-francis-conducts-boxing-day-sermon.html) and Feces-Town (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/04/pope-francis-asks-chickens-to-end.html) in particular.
      

When asked to further elaborate on the reasons behind his decision to resign the comatose individual replied, "                            .                           ?                                                                       .       !"

While the victor on the night, Royal LePage, was just as surprised by his win as everyone else.

"To be honest I wasn’t even running in the election. I was just trying to sell a few properties." he candidly admitted to the press.

When asked what his plans were for the seat LePage answered forthrightly, "I’ll do a quick reno and then flip it for a 15-20% profit."

Spoken like a true politician.

Pope Francis asks Chickens to end Tomfoolery at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Pope Francis asks Chickens to end Tomfoolery at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

For many centuries popes have made a point of visiting Fernbrook Resort Freelton. But the steady decline in the standards and ethics of the canine ruled nation has disappointed the newly elected Pope. So much so that His Holiness issued a heartfelt public plea to it’s citizens.

"How much corruption there is in the world! I hope you have the courage ... to clean up Freelton and to clean up Fernbrook Resort. So that there is no longer that stink of tommyrot," Pope Francis began.

Pope Francis then urged members of organized flocks of chickens to turn away from their tomfoolery as he visited one of the Resort's most violent and tomfool filled neighborhoods on Saturday.

He was speaking in the shadow of a dilapidated mobile home in an area known as Feces-Town, an area so smelly that even police are sometimes afraid to enter, residents say.

Francis also spoke out against tommyrot in an address to a crowd in the notorious MethVille neighborhood, a stronghold of clans of the Gallus domesticus, the Fernbrook Resort version of the Freelton mafia.

"How much tommyrot there is in the neighborhood of MethVille! I hope you have the courage ... to clean up… and clean up Fernbrook Resort. So that there is no longer that foul stench of tommyrot," Francis began.



He next urged the area’s residents, which has often been the battleground of Gallus domesticus clans fighting for control of the tomfoolery and dog feces flinging rackets, not to let chickens rob them of their hope.

At a Mass in the clubhouse, Francis urged all of the former nudists to "react firmly to organizations that engage in tomfoolery or that act as tomfools with their tommyknocking and other crimes".

"To the chickens and all their accomplices, I, today, humbly and as Pope, repeat: convert yourselves to love and justice. It is possible to return to honesty," he said.

He has also said members of organized flocks of chickens excommunicate themselves from the Church, and that it would welcome them back if they repent… then go stuff themselves… with seasoned bread… before repeatedly basting themselves at 185 degrees for two hours and ten minutes.

Parsley, Crouton and Other Industry of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario - the saga continues

Parsley, Crouton and Other Industry of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario - the saga continues

The land around Fernbrook Resort is extremely fertile. Clouds of blackflies roam across the landscape, poison ivy grows taller than cedars and potholes proliferate faster than weeds. However blackflies, poison ivy, potholes (as well as chickens) are all protected species under the Four Seasons Naturalist Act of 1968 and so they did not take any part in the economic development of the nation.

No, in its earliest years the nation relied on the Salad Industry as the mortar for the building blocks of its economy. And from its very earliest days the chief export of the nation was croutons. The underlying land ran rich with veins of pure salad-grade croutons and as a result the landscape was dotted with numerous high yield crouton mines. It is estimated that over 100 million tons of crouton were exported from Fernbrook Resort to the rest of the world prior to the Second World War.

Complimenting the crouton business was the export of parsley for the Garnish Industry. In the early twentieth century every bowl of soup and plate of food was classed up with a sprig of parsley. And more often than not that parsley was grown at Fernbrook Resort. Thick hedges of parsley ran ‘as far as the eye could see’ some of the old timers will tell you. And there was always a willing buyer for premium grade Fernbrook.

Unfortunately, following the Second World War, both of these industry went into serious decline. With the primary culprit being fast food. Fast Foodies generally eschew healthy foods like salads and formal sit down dinners, the primary use for croutons. And parsley, a delicious decorative element in traditional dining milieus is rarely found beside the always popular greasy burger or bowl of poutine. By the middle of the 1960’s fast food outlets were to be found on just about every street corner. As a result the prices of both crouton and parsley plummeted. And by 1970 you couldn’t give away a sprig or a crumb of either. Except at Halloween or Bat Mitzvahs for vegetarians.

It wasn’t until the late 1990’s, coincidental with the rise of the internet, that Fernbrook Resort was able to shake off its economic doldrums. Fernbrook became a pioneer in the profitable niche industry of rumour fabrication. And the sub population of Gallus domesticus proved especially adept not only in the creation of unsubstantiated factoids but in the distribution of same. So much so that Pope Francis visited the tiny nation and gave a sermon on that very subject: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/pope-francis-conducts-boxing-day-sermon.html .

Today the nation of Fernbrook Resort is capable of manufacturing and selling gossip suitable for any occasion. From Hollywood entertainment rags and political innuendoes, to doomsday scenarios or media blurbs, to simple backyard over the fence ‘did you hear’ campaigns. So successful has the industry been that it has raised the GDP of the nation to the salad days of pre World War Two. As a result, today, the tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort is ranked number one in world for the creation and dissemination of trade gossip.

Pope Francis conducts Boxing Day Sermon at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Pope Francis conducts Boxing Day Sermon at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Since the papacy was instituted close to two thousand years ago the sitting Pope has made a Boxing Day tradition of visiting leper filled islands, truckstops and trailer parks to deliver a homily.

This year Pope Francis visited Fernbrook Resort in Freelton, Ontario. And, after greeting the tiny nation’s ruler, the Lord Mayor Doc Ballard, the Pope issued a scathing sermon that brought under fire the dog-ruled nation’s staunch anti-feline policies, it’s framing of North Korea in the recent SONY hack scandal and the culture of gossip which is a custom at the resort.

Pope Francis’ message particularly emphasized the importance of avoiding all forms of gossip and slander.

“It’s so rotten, gossip. At the beginning, it seems to be something enjoyable and fun, like a piece of candy. But at the end, it fills the heart with bitterness and also poisons us,” Pope Francis said.

“I tell you the truth,” he preached to the capacity crowd that overflowed into the jacuzzi area, “I am convinced that if each one of us would purposely avoid gossip, at the end, we would become a saint! It’s a beautiful path!”

“Do we want to become saints? Yes or no?” the Pope queried, “and do we want to live attached to gossip as a habit?” he continued, “Yes or no? No? Okay, so we are in agreement! No gossip!”

From here Pope Francis touched on the Fifth Commandment, “Do not kill,” and went on to add, “but I say to you: that even words can kill.”

Explained the Pope. “When it is said that someone has the tongue of a serpent it means that their words kill. Therefore, not only must one not make a physical attempt on the life of another, but one must not even pour on them the poison of anger and hit them with slander, nor speak ill of them. And here we arrive at gossip. Gossip can also kill, because it kills the reputation of the person,” stressed the Holy Father.

The Pope then summarized, “From all of this, one understands that more than disciplinary observance and exterior conduct is important. Just as important is intention and what lies in the human heart, where our good or bad actions originate.

“Good and honest behavior,” he said, does not come merely from “juridical norms.”

Pope Francis then led the crowds in the traditional Trailer Park prayer for protection from tornadoes, black flies and rental increases before he greeted the various pilgrim groups present with a “Go Leafs!” and wishing everyone “lots of Boxing day bargains.”

When the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook was asked for a comment on Pope Francis’ sermon Doc Ballard yapped, “Hell, I got no worries, don’t you know that All Dogs go to Heaven.”