.Crime Wave Forces Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Reschedule Universal Beauty Pageant

Crime Wave Forces Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Reschedule Universal Beauty Pageant

"Don't blame me, I stick to stealin' hamburgers," says Waylon Smyth when asked about the recent spate of robberies at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

In a move that surprised no one the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Freelton announced that their Universal Beauty Pageant, a competition open to just about every species in the universe, has been pushed back a few days due to the increasing number of thefts that habitually plague the sticky fingered nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.    

Solemnly the Lord Mayor, His Worship Doc Ballard announced, “Due to a series of unforeseen thefts Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Universal Beauty Pageant has been moved from February 30^th to February 32^nd.”

Last seen on Kijiji and then southbound on Highway 6

When asked exactly what was meant by the term ‘unforeseen thefts’ the Lord Mayor replied sadly, “I plan all the thefts in Fernbrook Resort Freelton… or else I arrange the thefts and receive a cut of the take. However, lately, things have been disappearing and I haven’t been receiving even one plugged nickel. What is this world coming to when you have to question other people’s dishonesty? Is there not one person that we can’t not mistrust?” he asked with fake tears glistening in his eyes.   

Asked what was missing that he hadn’t been compensated for the Lord Mayor answered, “Expensive scientific devices are missing. Specifically our nation’s lone snow blower is gone. Without a snow blower how can we remove fallen snow and showcase our many potholes to adoring tourists and science researchers?”

A saddened Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort

His Worship also alleged that a very rare ladder was also missing. “This was made of real Argentinian aluminum and had rungs for both ascending AND descending. You don’t see those every day. But now we can’t put up decorations for the competition until we can find another ladder. And ladders don’t fall off trucks. You actually have to go find a ladder truck and then carefully remove it for permanent borrowing in the dead of night. That takes time.”

Then there’s the cash shortfall. “I was planning on robbing the office safe,” moaned Doc Ballard, “but someone beat me to it. Now how on earth are we going to purchase the six additional lawn chairs needed for the Justin Trudeau Memorial Auditorium where the pageant is being held?”

"But I ain't even dead yet," said Justin Trudeau upon learning of the auditorium named in his honour.

The Lord Mayor then made an urgent plea for the nations of the world to unite and to send Fernbrook Resort Freelton, “at their own expense,” any spare chairs, benches or lightly used couches. “BUT NO C.O.D.’s please,” growled the Lord Mayor, “Oh… And don’t be sending us no stools either… because whatever you think of us we’re not the kind of nation that sits on our stool. We’re stool tossers. And we have more than enough stool to toss at the moment.”

Questioned about the odd date for the pageant His Worship barked loudly, “That’s it no more questions,” then began loudly screaming that, “the Flamborough Review, the Millgrove Christian Science Monitor and Wendy Mesley were all banned from future press conferences,” before jumping off the podium to investigate a shrew that had momentarily poked it’s head above the semi-frozen surface of the earth.