Fernbrook Resort Freelton Unveils Universe’s Universal Beauty Pageant Front Runners List
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| Fernbrook Resort's famed Justin Trudeau Memorial Auditorium. |
Several weeks ago the tiny alien ruled nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton announced its intention to hold a Universal Beauty Pageant – a pageant open to all specie. Except for cats. And incontinent badgers… fichus plants… lawyers… and of course politicians.
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| An obviously befuddled Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort |
“Listen, for the last time, I AM NOT AN ALIEN. I don’t know who started that stupid rumour… But I was born in Mexico. MEX-I-CO. I just lost my papers is all. Once I get them then that should shut those stupid birthers up… oh, yeah, and that pageant deal… If stupid cats and badgers and whatever want to enter sure, go right ahead, but we all know that they’re not going to win. I was just trying to save them from being embarrassed is all. Stupid law cats and their stupid law suits. Who the heck ever saw a cat wearing clothing anyway?” His Worship rambled, “And I’m not addicted to catnip… that’s a vicious lie… I barely touch the stuff… vicious vicious lie…”
One of His Worship’s aides began jingling a leash and uttered the phrase, “Walkies… walkies…” and the Lord Mayor quickly turned and bounded off the platform. Gobbling down a soothing milk bone™ while being leashed.
While His Worship was distracted Pageant Host Wink Martindale stepped forward and, after dispelling rumours of his recent demise, released pictures and the hopes and dreams of the leading entrants if chosen the most beautiful.
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| Carleen Caregiver prepares a shot for a patient |
If crowned as winner Carleen Caregiver promises, “to work towards a world where there is free medical care for all... not just humans, domesticated mammals and selected ass kissing flora.”
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| Tilly Tarmac singing an anti-environment folk song. |
Tilly Tarmac would like to, “pave over all the worlds lakes and oceans in order that more shopping malls could be built so today’s youth can have a place to skateboard or just hang.”
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| Samuel Succulent out standing in his field. |
Samuel Succulent intends to “make the world a happier more joyous place by becoming a stand up comic because ‘I like to needle people.’”
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| Donald Trump, President of the Flat Earth Society |
Donald Trump says if elected most beautiful, “I would put a fence all around the edges of the earth so that people would stop falling off all the time. Because that’s what happened to Jimmy Hoffa… and Ambrose Bierce and and Sweden last Friday… and…”
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| Felecia Fahrenheit working hard to overturn the laws of nature. |
Felecia Fahrenheit said she would like to, “lower the boiling point of water so that the boiling of water is more economical for the homeless.”
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| Angry rock leaves no stone unturned. |
A large unnamed rock ranted quietly. “ . . . ? !! ! . $%^%#?^. . . #^**#(&^!! !!!”
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| Sue Ellen Einstein thinks she may have solved the world's educational problems. |
Sue-Ellen Einstein, “I would like to make higherer education more easily attainable by building more schools that are more taller.”
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| Terrance Togwearer showing off his relaxed fashion sense. |
Terrance Togwearer said he would like to, “nationalize designer clothing labels to make high end clothing more affordable for the disadvantaged so that everyone can dress just as fabulous as he does.”
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| Stella Smallbusinessowner wants to work on the tax code. |
Stella Smallbusinessowner wants to simplify the tax code and make it more understandable stating as an example, “that for a business to qualify for the small business tax rate, instead of using math, lets make a rule that no employee should exceed 4 feet 11 inches in height.”
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| Eugenia Eugenics is pushing for equality between the sexes. |
Eugenia Eugenics stated that if she is named the winner of the pageant: “Many parts of the world ban women from getting abortions. I think men should not be allowed to have abortions either!”
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| Martin Lispin-Mapletree wants people to be more positive. |
‘I would teach people to be more optimistic and to beleaf in themselves,” said Martin Lispin-Mapletree.
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| Name and picture unavailable. |
Name and picture unavailable at press time. “Screw you Millgrove! We’re coming for you!” the contestant barked repeatedly.
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| Lucy Lawless claims to be a lineal descendant | of Xena: Warrior Princess. |
Lucy Lawless absolutely guarantees to reduce crime rates by abolishing all laws, “Because with no laws nothing would be illegal.”
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| Sidney Slashandburn prepares a knockout punch for the environment |
Sidney Slashandburn screamed, “that the environment is too expensive and takes up way too much space,” so she plans, “to get rid if it. ALL of it.”
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| Henrietta Himmler out sitting in her field. |
Pot activist Henrietta Himmler simply promised, “a chicken for every pot, free pot for every chicken and a pothole in every driveway and on every street corner.”
These are just some of the candidates for Fernbrook Resort Freelton's First Universal Beauty Pageant. Remember to stay tuned for the live event on February 30th at 9:30 PM.
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