Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Hold Universe’s First Miss Universal Beauty Pageant

Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Hold Universe’s First Universal Beauty Pageant

According to Fernbrook Resort Freelton's Lord Mayor this hairless snout-less pageant winner may not be a real beauty!

 

The Rolaids™ chewing nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton held their first press conference of the New Year last week. And the event was attended by journalists hungry for some real news after three weeks of fabricating fake news.

Fernbrook Resort's Lord Mayor holds press conference while perched on the hood of a pick up truck

Remarked His Worship, the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort and Earl of Purina Doc Ballard to an assemblage of the world’s press, “I saw a picture of the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant and I thought to myself… she won? Miss France? I mean she walks on two legs, she’s quite remarkably hairless and she has no definable snout. No snout! How on earth is that considered beautiful? I recall shuddering for a sec. 

     And then it hit me. 

     The Grand Nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton should hold a beauty pageant. But not a pageant restricted to just one small segment of Earth’s second least attractive species, homo sapiens, but a pageant open to all of earth’s Kingdoms. Animal. Plant. Whatever. A Universal Beauty Pageant. Think of the money that would make for our proud nation. Plus it makes us look progressive… what with all that politically correct equal rights crap that’s going on. We’d be freakin’ heroes.”

Wendy Mesley reporting on a fire in Fernbrook Resort's parsley processing district.  

“You said ‘Earth’s second least attractive species,” queried attractive and brainy journalist Wendy Mesley, “What is Earth’s most unattractive species.”

“Cats,” replied His Worship succinctly. “In fact the only reason we’re allowing cats in this contest is for comic relief. So we all have something to laugh at. Ha ha ha woof,” barked the Lord Mayor. “Stupid cats. You know what you call a smart cat? Roadkill. Ha ha bark woof. Do you know how to tell if a cat has burglarized your home? Your garbage is missing and your gerbil is pregnant. Ha ha ha ha bark bark woof. Stupid cats. You’re writing all this down? Right?” asked His Worship while grinning happily.

“Yes sir of course…” started Peter Mansbridge.

“And we don’t really want any badgers either,” rambled the Lord Mayor. “Stupid incontinent badgers. Or fichus plants. Or any lawyers. And no one from Millgrove. We’re coming for you Millgrove," he snarled. "And no politicians either. Stupid politicians. Do you know what you call a smart politician? A cat. Ha ha ha woof woof bark. I gotta right that down before I forget it. A smart politician is a cat. That’s genius.”

“Well if you’re excluding species then how can you call this a Universal Beauty Pageant?” fumed Barbara Frum.

“I have an idea,” growled the Lord Mayor, “why don’t you write what I say instead of writing what you think. Because I think monosyllabic words might be confusing to…”

“Well I don’t hold that opinion at all,” bantered Frum, “In fact…”

Walter Cronkite poses with a candidate for Fernbrook Resort Freelton's Universal Beauty Pageant

“Okay, that’s it, enough questions,” barked Doc Ballard, “the contest will be held on February 30^th at 9:30 PM Fernbrook Resort Standard Time over by that large pothole near the maintenance sheds. And it’s BYOC.”

“BYOC?” asked Walter Cronkite.    

“Bring your own chair.”

“What?”

“Okay, that’s it, no more questions” finished the Lord Mayor, “I’ve got a 3:30 squirrel to chase and I gotta transfer some slush money to my private bank account in the Cayman’s. Uhhh… Whoa, wait a sec, you didn’t write that second part down did you? Because I was just kidding about that slush fund. Ha ha… ha ha… ha ha... bark woof.”   

Nestor Law-Cat, "as a feline lawyer from Millgrove who's grandmother was a badger twice removed I am both insulted and relieved to be excluded from an event of questionable societal value."