Fernbrook Resort Freelton Set to Resume Human Sacrifices

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Set to Resume Human Sacrifices

Dry runs for human sacrifices are under way at Fernbrook Resort 

The tiny cauliflower free nation of Fernbrook Resort announced to the world today that they would be reinstituting the long forgotten practice of sacrificing human beings to their gods.



High Priestess Amanda Yogurtcup:
'The high price of cauliflower has
forced our nation to react!' 

Head of Fernbrook Resort’s Bureau of Tree Worship & Lawn Maintenance, High Priestess Amanda Yogurtcup, had this to say in way of explanation. “The world is just going to hell. Every day school shootings. Terrorist attacks. Earthquakes. And now a single head of cauliflower costs $10. Ten dollars!” she exclaimed tearfully. “So we asked ourselves why this might be happening. Why is cauliflower so damned expensive? What has changed in our world? And the answer of course was human sacrifice. Thousands of years ago people were being sacrificed daily. And the gods were happy. But somewhere along the line we stopped sacrificing our neighbours. The gods got angry. And now cauliflower is $10 a head. It’s a pretty obvious co-relation when you do the math.”

Asked what religion in this day and age required human sacrifices and the surprise response was Unitarianism.

“Yeah, we’re all Unitarians here. And our god is Merrill Lynch. And let me tell you, when Merrill Lynch talks, everybody listens,” said Fernbrook resort citizen Benson Hedges reverently.     

And what kind of people does Fernbrook Resort propose to be sacrificed?

Benson Hedges can relax now that
people will pronounce to-may-toe
in the Fernbrook approved fashion. 



Lawyers. Those who wear too much cologne. People who pronounce the word to-may-toe to-mah-toh…

“Don’t you just hate people who mispronounce the word to-mah… I mean to-may-toe,” Benson Hedges enunciated slowly and carefully as he wiped some sweat from his brow.    

“And also people from Millgrove,” Yipped the Lord Mayor Doc Ballard excitedly. “Screw you Millgrove,” the Lord Mayor barked again, “We’re coming for you!”

'Watch out Millgrove - we're coming for you'
The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort

Millgrove of course is the cat-worshipping nation located to the south of Fernbrook Resort.

Doc Ballard later confirmed that not only are human sacrifices expected to put a damper on terrorism, earthquakes and out of control cauliflower prices but it will also be great for tourism.

“Once word gets out tourists will be flocking to Fernbrook Resort. We plan to sacrifice people several times a week… and we’ll tie in some promotions to make it fun for the whole family. This is gonna be more popular than our annual Whack-A-Cat Festival http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/05/fernbrook-resort-freelton-announces.html ”

Scene from the opening ceremonies of Fernbrook Resort's 'Whack-a-Cat' Festival

Such promotions are to include selfies with the sacrificial victims, wet t-shirt contests for the ladies, first stone free for all stonings and every Wednesday will be Kids Day. All kids under the age of 12 get in for half price and will receive a free balloon. 

Asked what they’ll do with the bodies of the dearly departed the Lord Mayor replied, “Originally we were going to stick them in moving trucks and dump them somewhere along the highway, kind of like what Canadians do with marginalized aboriginal women. But that just seemed so wasteful. So we’ve got some old duffel bags and we’ll just bag’em and plant’em out back of the Resort. No one will think of looking back there. The recently deceased will be a great source of inexpensive cauliflower fertilizer. So it’s a win – win environmentally speaking as well.”

The first sacrifice of the year will take part at 7:00 PM eastern time (8:00 PM central time) as part of the pre-game ritual prior to Fernbrook Resort’s Super Bowl Sunday gala party.  

Bridge Closure Snarls Traffic, Divides Nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Bridge Closure Snarls Traffic, Divides Nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton



The Bridge of St. Popsicle Peter 



St. Popsicle Peter and an eerie prophecy
that saved the nation from a disaster? 



But I really really liked that bridge
said a distraught Neville Chamberpot



Citizens of the golf cart driving nation of Fernbrook Resort were chagrined to learn that the nation’s most important bridge, The Bridge of St. Popsicle Peter (named after the Patron Saint of icy summer treats), was to be closed after an interior designer, a kid with a runny nose and a portly feline named Mr. Buttons deemed the span to be structurally unsound.



The dapper Mr. Buttons



When asked what the exact problem with the bridge was everyone deferred to Mr. Buttons who responded that, “the colour of the railings clashed with the yellow lane dividers adversely affecting the structure’s esthetic sensibilities.”

Locals were in a somber mood as the bridge is the main route between the nation’s capital, Clubhouse City, and the rest of the nation. Meaning a three minute detour will now be necessary to reach the capital.

“Who the hell builds a bridge out of popsicle sticks,” yelled an exasperated William Playwell, “Hey you bunch of Einsteins, here’s an idea, spend the extra $19.95 and spring for a set of Lego. It’s worth the money.”  

An upset
Ms. Reynoldswrap

Criticized Rhonda Reynoldswrap, “I know they want to save money… but using blind kids to build a bridge out of used popsicle sticks… what’s next? A popsicle stick nuclear waste storage facility?”

John Lenin: was told to shut his hole

“When the government announced that the bridge had been designed and was to be built by Ms. Hangnail’s first grade class at the Fernbrook School for the Blind… I voiced my concerns,” said John Lenin, “But I was called a commie and told to shut my hole.”

Doc Ballard - plans for a nuclear storage dump?

The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort His Worship the Right Honorable Doc Ballard said, “I really like that idea for a nuclear storage waste facility but there’s no way that we’re springing for expensive popsicle sticks when an inexpensive hole or fast running stream can handle the same job at a fraction of the cost.”

There is no date set for the repair and reopening of the bridge as popsicle sticks are always in short supply during the winter months.

A candid shot of Mrs. Cherry Fudgsicle working
 on some raw material for the bridge's restoration

The good news however is that a pledge drive is being set up and those with popsicle sticks to contribute can mail them to the attention of Mrs. Cherry Fudgsicle at the Bureau of Bridge Building and Frozen Foods located in Clubhouse City, Fernbrook Resort.

The Days of Our Lives at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

The Days of Our Lives at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives

Ninety-nine percent of the citizens of the snow shovelling nation of Fernbrook Resort are regular normal decent people… but that other one percent? Well, they make one of those Jackass movies look like a witty Woody Allen matinee.

 A picture is wort a thousand words

In a previous episode an animated character instigated an incident by ‘mickey mouthing’ off (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015_12_01_archive.html)

And as we pick up this episode the family that was the target of the mouthing has since returned the favour. Mouthing off in return.

Hurting Mr. Instigator’s feelings. Quite irreparably.



An upset Mr. Instigator boo hoo hooing over his hurt feelings.



In fact Mr. Instigator was so hurt that he began to petition. Asking some citizens of Fernbrook Resort to support him in getting the family he mouthed off to evicted from the nation. As undesirables. Because they made him feel bad.

Unfortunately his petitioning has yet to reach fruition. 

So he got angry. He decided that if the family mouthed off again that he would beat the crap out of them.

Not much fruit bearing on this front either.

So, next, he decided to get some help from a Fernbrook Resort friend. Allegedly he asked for advice on how to evict this family who had the audacity to feed him a spoonful of his own medicine.

And, his friend was Quite frank with him. “I want that family out of here as much as the next guy and gal,” the frank friend replied, “Because the last thing the good people of Fernbrook Resort need are neighbors who clean up their homes or lots or who mouth off or who try to bully or to pick fights…  you’re certainly proof of that.”

“Indubitably,” replied Mr. Instigator.

“But, frankly, we can’t kick someone out until they break a rule.”

Which left Mr. Instigator to exclaim, "Then I guess I'll have to go over there and settle this once and for all!!!" 
 

Strange isn't it how the same tough folks that go around taking swings at people are the first to get their panties in a knot when that same someone turns around and takes a poke at them. But then like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives.

Tensions Rise as North Korea Threatens Fernbrook Resort Freelton with H-Bomb

Tensions Rise as North Korea Threatens Fernbrook Resort Freelton with H-Bomb



North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un proudly poses
in front of his nation's fabled 'Wall of Cheese'   



For those who don’t remember the tiny crouton rich nation of Fernbrook Resort gleefully admitted to framing North Korea in the Sony Hacking Scandal:

http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/fernbrook-resort-freelton-implicated-in.html

But now, is the nation whose national delicacy is barbequed cat, North Korea, out for a sequel?



Kim Jong Un and family dress in safety gear
to tour his  nation's nuclear facilities



Late last night North Korea’s teletubby shaped leader Kim Jong Un claimed to the world that his nation had successfully detonated its first H-Bomb – and then immediately followed this claim with a threat to those who would oppose their might. A rambling threat which included the likes of the Reverend Billy Graham, Costco and Fernbrook Resort.

“Fernbrooka Resorta… we are athreatening to you-a!” announced Kim Jong Un uncertainly yet proudly in his broken English.

When informed of the threat Fernbrook Resort’s Lord Mayor, Doc Ballard, fired off a few choice F-Bombs towards North Korea before replying: “Oh, yeah, we’re real scared. Does anyone really believe that a nation that dines on cat, owns a total of three cell phones and recently installed their first 8-track sound system has an H-Bomb? Ha ha ha ha ha ha… man the world is so gullible… ha ha ha ha ha ha… Aren’t these are the same guys that cried because the only nation that sent them a Christmas card two years ago was Vatican City… which is probably one more than they got this year… ar ar ar aroooo…” the Lord Mayor howled with glee.

His Royal Worship Doc Ballard Lord Mayor of  Fernbrook Resort

Here the Lord Mayor interrupted his response to relieve himself on a nearby fire hydrant then returned and began speaking to the assembled press once more.

A selection of ammunition from the Fernbrook Resort arsenal

“There is no way that North Korea has an H-bomb. If they did, they’d’ve already shot themselves in their foot. If anyone wants to see a real H-bomb check out the front lawn of the Lord Mayor’s mansion about a half hour after I eat my breakfast… because that my friends is a real H-Bomb.Ar ar ar aroooooo.”

The North Korean Army 'goose-steppin' to the music from 'Cats'

Then, mimicked Doc Ballard sarcastically, “watcha outa North-a Korea… Fernbrooka Resorta we are-a threatening-a…. your lawns-a. Ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously, you weeble-sized Nazis really crack me up. We should get together over a shish-ka-bobbed cat or something. Or NOT. Ha ha ha ha ha,” he barked, “Not. That always kills me. Not… ar ar ar aroooooo ar ar ar aroooo arooooo arooooo….”

Meth Labs, Coke Dens and Trailer Trash at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Meth Labs, Coke Dens and Trailer Trash at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Well, the last entry in this blog resulted in a flurry of e-mails and a number of accusations regarding the garbage filled interior of our home - so this is the time to set the record straight (ONCE AGAIN) on the state of our home as well as Fernbrook Resort's residential classification system.
Ritzy Fernbrook Resort of Freelton has a long standing classification system for the resident’s homes – and this week the new ratings for each of the resident’s properties was revealed. The ratings are important solely because they determine the social hierarchy for the park (i.e. who’s better than you are and who you can associate with publicly).

Exterior view of our home
 - notice the well maintained and weed free back lawn

Interior view of our home - our neatly arranged
Meth Lab with not a speck of trash to be seen

Fernbrook Resort 
gang symbol for coke

I was shocked (and pleasantly so) to learn that I had moved up a notch in the pecking order, going from the very bottom rung or ‘Meth Lab’ as it is known. Yes, I’ve been bumped up one rung to the ‘Coke Den’ rating. To be honest I don’t think that I’ve done enough work on my ‘Meth Lab’ to warrant such an honour. However it has rained heavily the past few weeks and I think the heavy shower cleaned some of the dirt off of the classic 1976 Pinto I use as a lawn ornament, showcasing the rust, really adding some colour to the property. Hence the advancement.

I wonder…

One of Fernbrook Resort's
ritzier crack homes. 

…the lawn hasn’t been cut since the Chretien Administration (first term)… perhaps if I gave the lawn a bit if a trim… maybe I could move up one more notch, achieving the much coveted ‘Crack Whore’ designation. Though it’s a name that kind of worries me. I have no problem being associated with crack (as I am told it can be quite refreshing); it’s the whore part of the description that bothers me. To be perfectly blunt, I’ve been saving myself for marriage and I certainly don’t want folks thinking that I’m easy. After all I do have a reputation to think about.

This home's renovation began during the elder Trudeau's first administration and
is earmarked to be finished next year, during the reign of his son.  

Thai Brothel or Fernbrook Resort Cat House?

Above the ‘Crack Whore’ designation comes ‘Permanent Reno’, so named because the home is in a state of perpetual teardown. Those who achieve Permanent Reno status have the cache of a messy yard coupled with the bona fide excuse, “Hey, we’re renovating, but by summer we’ll have this all cleaned up and I’ll be drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beside our swimming pool, trust me...”

...and a picture from a 1st Rank Cat House.

‘Cat House (1st rank)’ differs from the second rank in that the first rank must be a home that actually has cats. Dozens of them. Many dozens. As neighbor cats seem to enjoy the amenities that my yard provides I believe that this designation is one that is, ultimately, quite achievable. With no extra effort required on my part. Though quite honestly I think I would prefer to be called a crackwhore.

A home occupied by a member
of Fernbrook Resort's
'High' Society

Next in line is the ‘Almost Millionaires’ clique. These are homes that have lawn chairs in their yards and a big giant inflatable child’s pool (decorated with porpoises and starfish) erected for the sole purpose of soaking their feet while lounging around shirtless and drinking copious amounts of high quality Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. This is a high rank which is quite beyond me for several reasons. I will never be able to afford a pool. I don’t have the hot air necessary to inflate such a quality amenity. And Pabst Blue Ribbon is much too fine a beverage for someone of my modest standing.

The highest rank that a resident of Fernbrook Resort can achieve is that of ‘Trailer Trash’. This is a rank that some neighbors have achieved and, God willing, perhaps a rank I may one day be awarded as well. Isn’t that everyone’s dream? To walk down the street while people point at me and whisper quietly behind hands held over their smiling mouths, “Look son, over there, there goes Trailer Trash…”   

Well, until that day comes, I can always dream.

Our Dream Home!!!

Trash Talking Ramped Up at Fernbrook Resort Freelton on Christmas Eve

Trash Talking Ramped Up at Fernbrook Resort on Christmas Eve

Taking out the trash at Fernbrook Resort

You’d think that Christmas Eve would be the one time that folks would try to be polite to others what, with Santa Claus coming to town and all that… unfortunately that wasn’t the case in the Grand Nation of Fernbrook Resort this Christmas Eve.

Nope                                                                                 

A few of the neighbors banded together to spread some Christmas gossip with some of the tourist trade. Particularly about one neighbor’s home which, according to them, is just chock full of garbage. And they made sure to point this out repeatedly throughout the evening to all the tourists traipsing through town. And of course the Horrible Boobs (read past Secretes of Fenrbrook Resort to familiarize themselves with their antics) got into the game too. Pointing out other places on the property filled with trash.

If this was a Walt Disney movie no doubt it would star Pluto (for out of this world comments), Goofy (for the silly ideas) and Mickey Mouth (for the nonstop trash talking).

An irate Mickey Mouth dissing neighbors

Walt Disney's
lovable Pluto
(pre-rabies picture)

Walt Disney's Goofy
talking out his ass

[NOTE – for those who don’t know, the actual Disney character is Mickey Mouse we used ‘Mouth’ instead of ‘Mouse’ as a shout out to our many fans and readers in the lisping community. Lith-pers, YOU ROCK!]

[NOTE TWO – trash talking is a double entendre… think about it].

Neighbor's trash pile at Fernbrook Resort

Halloween Costume? Nope - just a
neighbor finally cleaning out their home

Truthfully one of the critical does have a right to complain as, after being a Fernbrook National for twenty-five years, they finally decided to part with some of their trash. Yeah, that’s right, after twenty-five years they finally decided to clean their home. Though the refuse was so toxic that the garbage men (and women) wouldn’t touch it. As a result they had to hire some good ole boys to come in and take out a quarter century’s worth of garbage. Although I guess they ran out of garbage bags because they sure missed a steaming mound of… But wow, clean your house once every quarter century and that makes you a saint. Go figure.

And at least they keep their yard clean. Yup, every February 29^th between the hours of 2:00 and 2:05 AM they clean their yard. Whether it needs sprucing up or not. Isn’t that nice of them? I bet you wish you had neighbors like that? Now if they could just repaint that classic 1982 Lada that sits on their front lawn and that they use as a guest room they’d be the envy of the Fernbrook nation.

In fact this neighboring family is so fastidious that they even own a washing machine. They purchased it over ten years ago. Of course they haven’t actually gotten around to hooking it up to water and plugging it in yet but hey, who are we to criticize such saintly people.

In fact who are we to judge our critics at all, having less than twelve years of garbage and trash in our poor home by comparison. Perhaps in twenty-five years we’ll get the last laugh.

Merry Christmas?

A little bit late for that. But we’re certainly on our way to a Happy New Year.  

How to say Happy New Year at Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

Another Round of Petty Vandalism at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Another Round of Petty Vandalism at Fernbrook Resort Freelton


Yeah.

I'm just surprised there was such a length of time between incidents.

Maybe the great nation of Fernbrook Resort should have a vandalism week. A celebration of faceless mindless destruction that fuels some poor soul's ego.

That way the vandal could get everything out of the way in seven short days and free up the rest of their calendar for more enlightening pursuits.

A declaration of war was issued previously on the 29th day of August of this year.

Let the games begin.