Fernbrook Resort Freelton Set to Resume Human Sacrifices

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Set to Resume Human Sacrifices

Dry runs for human sacrifices are under way at Fernbrook Resort 

The tiny cauliflower free nation of Fernbrook Resort announced to the world today that they would be reinstituting the long forgotten practice of sacrificing human beings to their gods.



High Priestess Amanda Yogurtcup:
'The high price of cauliflower has
forced our nation to react!' 

Head of Fernbrook Resort’s Bureau of Tree Worship & Lawn Maintenance, High Priestess Amanda Yogurtcup, had this to say in way of explanation. “The world is just going to hell. Every day school shootings. Terrorist attacks. Earthquakes. And now a single head of cauliflower costs $10. Ten dollars!” she exclaimed tearfully. “So we asked ourselves why this might be happening. Why is cauliflower so damned expensive? What has changed in our world? And the answer of course was human sacrifice. Thousands of years ago people were being sacrificed daily. And the gods were happy. But somewhere along the line we stopped sacrificing our neighbours. The gods got angry. And now cauliflower is $10 a head. It’s a pretty obvious co-relation when you do the math.”

Asked what religion in this day and age required human sacrifices and the surprise response was Unitarianism.

“Yeah, we’re all Unitarians here. And our god is Merrill Lynch. And let me tell you, when Merrill Lynch talks, everybody listens,” said Fernbrook resort citizen Benson Hedges reverently.     

And what kind of people does Fernbrook Resort propose to be sacrificed?

Benson Hedges can relax now that
people will pronounce to-may-toe
in the Fernbrook approved fashion. 



Lawyers. Those who wear too much cologne. People who pronounce the word to-may-toe to-mah-toh…

“Don’t you just hate people who mispronounce the word to-mah… I mean to-may-toe,” Benson Hedges enunciated slowly and carefully as he wiped some sweat from his brow.    

“And also people from Millgrove,” Yipped the Lord Mayor Doc Ballard excitedly. “Screw you Millgrove,” the Lord Mayor barked again, “We’re coming for you!”

'Watch out Millgrove - we're coming for you'
The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort

Millgrove of course is the cat-worshipping nation located to the south of Fernbrook Resort.

Doc Ballard later confirmed that not only are human sacrifices expected to put a damper on terrorism, earthquakes and out of control cauliflower prices but it will also be great for tourism.

“Once word gets out tourists will be flocking to Fernbrook Resort. We plan to sacrifice people several times a week… and we’ll tie in some promotions to make it fun for the whole family. This is gonna be more popular than our annual Whack-A-Cat Festival http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/05/fernbrook-resort-freelton-announces.html ”

Scene from the opening ceremonies of Fernbrook Resort's 'Whack-a-Cat' Festival

Such promotions are to include selfies with the sacrificial victims, wet t-shirt contests for the ladies, first stone free for all stonings and every Wednesday will be Kids Day. All kids under the age of 12 get in for half price and will receive a free balloon. 

Asked what they’ll do with the bodies of the dearly departed the Lord Mayor replied, “Originally we were going to stick them in moving trucks and dump them somewhere along the highway, kind of like what Canadians do with marginalized aboriginal women. But that just seemed so wasteful. So we’ve got some old duffel bags and we’ll just bag’em and plant’em out back of the Resort. No one will think of looking back there. The recently deceased will be a great source of inexpensive cauliflower fertilizer. So it’s a win – win environmentally speaking as well.”

The first sacrifice of the year will take part at 7:00 PM eastern time (8:00 PM central time) as part of the pre-game ritual prior to Fernbrook Resort’s Super Bowl Sunday gala party.