Pirates Plunder Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Charity Fund

Pirates Plunder Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Charity Fund

"Why won't anyone stop the pirates," asks little Sindy Sadeyes. 'Or the Rooster."

“Mommy, is that person supposed to be taking those beer bottles and cans from the charity container?” asked little Sindy Sadeyes.

“I don’t think so,” said her mother Mindy Mindyourownbusiness. Who retains her own maiden name as a form of female empowerment.

“Shouldn’t you tell him to stop,” little Sindy insisted.

“Goodness no. Whenever people steal or… or harass or trespass or lie or gossip or vandalize or… well if they do anything bad we should always look the other way. And we should never be afraid to make false promises. Or to do a bad job… But if we’re the ones being victimized THEN we should loudly complain. About how society sucks, about how crime filled the world is and that people don’t keep their word or do quality work these days… and then we should rant that no one is doing one thing to stop it. It’s all a great example for our nation’s youth,” Mindy said as she finished her rant.

“But my schoolteacher Miss Roach says that we should always try to help others.”

“That’s because your teacher is an overpaid undereducator who’s been bought and paid for by the Wynne government so that they can be forced to imprint political correctness and false socio-economic paradigms and patterns on today’s youth.”

“What Mommy?”

“I said that I think that your teacher is on drugs,” Mindy Mindyourownbusiness answered sharply.

“But my teacher Miss Roach said – ”

Mindy Mindyourownbusiness: "It's only a

 crime when I'm the victim"

“LISTEN! Just one more word out of you… just one… and I’ll tell the Easter Bunny to take a crap in your Christmas stocking.”

“Sorry Mommy…” Sindy Sadeyes replied fearfully.

It’s true, not just the part about political correctness. Or about turning a blind eye. Or any of that other crap. But also the part about pirates stealing cans and bottles intended to fund Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s innumerable charitable initiatives.

Said Darlene Dogooder, head of the charity drive, “the money we raise from cashing in the empties subsidizes some of the park events as well as providing entertainment for the kids. We even use some of the money to buy presents for children at Christmas. Because the last thing we want are parents threatening their kids with feces filled Xmas stockings.”

John Lafeet says, "I'm no rooster or cowardly chicken I'm a brave pirate!"

So, as concerned citizens, we decided to buck the trend of only worrying about our own problems, and confront the pirates who are stealing from Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s charities and children and try to explain the damage that was being inflicted on the nation’s youth.”

“Yeah, I’m takin’ dose bottles and cans matey,” declared the head pirate who’s real name is John Lafeet. “And do you know why I take them? Because I hates these landlubbin’ chair-ities. But the only thing I hate more than chair-ities is chillun. I cants stands dem. Der hands are always sticky. Der laughter is like fingernails on a chalkboard. And days always criticizing Vladimir Putin’s foreign policy on da Ukeraine and da Middle East. What da hecks do a bunch of stupid kindergarters knows about Russian foreign policy?”

“So if the kids would get off Vladimir Putin’s back then you’ll keep your hands out of Fernbrook Resort’s charity money. Because essentially when you’re taking those cans and bottles from the charity containers, from people’s backyards and porches and from under their trailers you’re stealing money. And in some instances illegally trespassing as well.”

“Hey, ifs der Great and Powerfuls Rooster can does it why cants I?”

The Great and Powerful Rooster with his flock of cowards. Err, I mean chickens.

That’s because the Great and Powerful Rooster and his chicken friends only harass and lie and steal about their inferiors, societies outcasts… those people who are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In other words they are a bunch of gutless cowards who are only brave when a person’s back is turned or when the lights are low and the sun is down. You’re an actual brave man who can actually think for himself and does his thieving in the broad daylight when everyone can see you.

“ Well shiver me timbers, but you does has a point dere,” the pirate John Lafeet replied, “but I’se still goings to be helping myselfs to those chair-ity doubloons.”

The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Doc Ballard in a candid moment

So we approached the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, His Holiness the Right Honourable Earl of Purina Doc Ballard and asked for some assistance.

His Worship barked in reply, “Hey, as long as this pirate is giving me a cut of the profits then I don’t see anything wrong with it. Like I’ve said before charity begins at home and Fernbrook Resort Freelton is my home. Besides that I got to side with the pirate on this one, the only thing worse than charity is children. Stealing from both at the same time is pure genius. Two for the price of one. I truly gotta admire the guy. He’s got balls. Not like that smelly rooster and his lying chicken friends. What a bunch of cowards they are.”

Which leaves policing the matter to those concerned citizens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Every time you see a pirate you should ask them to “please don’t steal from charities or children. Because if I do see you stealing one more time I am going to make you walk the plank.”

Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sees a Return of Tommyknocking Tactics

Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sees a Return of Tommyknocking Tactics

The long running Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort appears to have entered a new phase. During the last week to ten days the chickens seem to have abandoned the tactic of faeces flinging and have graduated to setting new benchmarks in petty vandalism and tommyknocking. Tommyknocking of course being those phantom window raps that occur only in the early morning hours and always under the cover of darkness.

The reason for the switch in tactics may be due to the fact  that the United Nations recently added faeces to the banned weapons list of the Geneva Convention. And the chickens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton appear to be abiding by this decision. At least for the time being.

On another note, a recent study has shown that those Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens who have suffered from the terrorist and bullying tactics of faeces flinging, theft, vandalism, tommyknocking etc. etc. all seem to be anti chicken in nature. While not one chicken has ever complained about any of these threats. Nope. Chickens only complain about trumped up charges usually relating to noise issues, unkempt residences and other imaginary property and personal complaints.

Indicating that there is a direct correlation between being a chicken and participating in childish and/or immature behavior.

As well, it has been rumoured that the chickens are preparing a petition asking that those Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens who don’t enjoy finding faeces on their property, having their property stolen or vandalized, being ostracized or gossiped about etc. etc. have their citizenship in this grand nation revoked.

And I for one welcome this initiative.

The last thing my family or I want are people who don’t enjoy finding faeces on their property on a daily basis, having their property stolen or vandalized or who don’t enjoy being ostracized or gossiped about. Nor do we want those who maintain their properties or try to act in a quasi acceptable adult manner. We need to kick these hopefully responsible types out of Fernbrook Resort Freelton once and for all. And I for one would take great pleasure in being the first to sign such a petition and do my part, albeit however small, in lowering the bar of common decency in this grand nation dominated by a large number of crayon munching glue sniffers.    

Of course I won’t be signing any petition until my legal team has read it. A poorly worded and/or misguided petition opens both its authors and all signatories to a costly civil action. And I don’t want to lose the $85.10 cents in my bank account. Or that bag hidden under my mattress. That one filled with five hundred and ten US pennies that serves as my retirement fund.

Ur ur ur ur ur ur ur ur ur urrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ask not for who the cock crows it crows for thee.

King of Appalling Behavior Crowned at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

King of Appalling Behavior Crowned at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

The King of Appalling Behavior at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

 - he's no doll!

The Great and Powerful Rooster has officially crowned one of His followers as the King of Appalling Behavior of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

Previously the fifty-something Highness had been known as the Earl of Mid-Life Crises. And had surrounded himself with adult toys and teenagers to confirm his coolness and awesomeness. Proving to all that he is not old but both youthful and to be envied by us old timers who have decided to age in a mature and adult fashion.

The King, overawed by his title, has decided to celebrate his crowning and prove his awesome smartitude by committing a criminal act – a theft – that he has previously announced to the world with his soon to be cellmate the Great and Powerful Rooster.

However one of His Queen’s is sagely counseling His Highness otherwise.

“If they know,” she wisely advised while discussing the impending crime, “then maybe you just should not do it your awesome Highness of Viagara™ related activities.”

“It don’t matter dat dey know,” the King replied, “dey’s can’t do nuttin’ ‘bout it.”

And of course His Highness is correct, if your heart is set on committing a crime then there really is nothing that a victim can do about it.

But perhaps all that Viagara™ is draining too much blood from the right organ and channeling it to the wrong organ because even a stupid victim knows that maybe while THEY can’t do anything about a crime before it’s committed YOU can’t do anything once you’re caught. And once you’re caught they’re going to send you to a place where, instead of being a King you’re going to end up being your cellmate’s Queen.

Well, at least that’ll cut down on your Viagara™ related expenses.

And any of the King of Appalling Behavior’s wise subjects may want to make an extra buck by investing in Vaseline™ and related products as sales of this product are expected to skyrocket. Similarly, stock market analysts are predicting a related drop in Viagara™ sales and are advising their clients to sell their holdings and to short the stock as soon as possible.

I guess now the ball is in His Highness’ court. At least figuratively. For the moment. Though literally when this moment passes.

I'm not a troll dammit, I'm a Monchichi... a Monchichi!!

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Gush ing with Ap Pall ing Be haviour?

                                Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Gush ing  with  Ap Pall ing  Be haviour?

The Great and Powerful Rooster advertises his intelligence and his might!

Since late spring of this year of Our Lord 2016 the golf cart driving nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton has sreeen an astounding increase in the flinging of dog feces.

But that’s not the only bad behavior that’s been on the increase.

Petty thefts and vandalism have also seen a gushing increase.

Which is appalling.

Previously we noted neighbors who had some lawn maintenance equipment mysteriously shorted of a nut and a hubcap.

Appalling!

Another young neighboring couple had decoration removed from their tricked out golf cart.

Appalling?

I don’t doubt it for a second.

And now the Great and Powerful Rooster has announced that he and an appalling friend are going to plunder all balls of red gold from a neighbor’s property. Rooster has been plotting to rob the neighbor for years but has been too chicken to carry out the plan by himself. And Yeah, that’s right, once again he has been openly plotting about robbing the neighbour. Preferably on a Monday or Thursday morning before sunup – between the hours of 2:00 AM and 6:00 AM. 

Ap pall ing?

You bet!

But after the theft they expect to be gush ing with cash.

So they’re desperate to complete the deed.

In fact at night the pair prowl around the property committing vandalous deeds. Other times they will peek into the neighbours shed and see what they have that they can take. 

And they do take.

And now they’ve gotten so bold that they’re planning to grab everything they can get away with. 

But since they’re silly enough to pre-announce their criminal acts we thought it would be best to publicly pre announce their plans.

Know what I think?

The Great and Powerful Rooster's most

appalling follower kind of resembles a troll doll... don't ya think?  

Probably not. Unless you’re one of those creepy psychotics. I mean psychics. But what I think is that the Great and Powerful Rooster and his appalling lickspittle instead of tossing dog feces, instead of trespassing, instead of vandalizing, instead of stealing, since they’re so tough, should just walk up to the neighbor and challenge them to a fight. 

If they don’t then they’re cowards.

And every single citizen of Fernbrook Resort Freelton who chances to happen upon this record will note that the appalling follower of Rooster and the the Great and Powerful Rooster himself are both cowards.

So put up or continue to act like appalling chickens you cowards.