Ghostly Phone Calls of Unknown Origin Rattle Fernbrook Resort Residents

Ghostly Phone Calls of Unknown Origin Rattle Fernbrook Resort Residents

Are the ghosts of chickens past infesting Fernbrook Resort Freelton's lines of communication?

“The calls are eerie,” said Nelly Nervousbladder, “I pick up the phone, I say hello, but no one replies. Again and again this happens.”

Never purchase offbrand adult diapers!

“Three times a week my phone rings in the early morning hours, two or three rings, then just stops,” said Arvin Awakenedearly.   

“No person would do this,” said a shaken Shelby Soiledpants, “it has to be a ghost. A G… G… G… GHOST!” he said as he emptied his bladder into his adult strength diapers.

In fact the problem has gotten so severe of late that Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents pooled their money and called Ghostbusters.

Unfortunately for them the Ghostbusters never returned their call. That’s because Ghostbusters is actually a team of fictional characters. And not a trio of real live specter fighting superheroes as Fernbrook Resort residents had been led to believe by the movie of the same name.

Wait a sec... I thought Ghostbusters weren't real?

So, with no where else to turn, they called the matron of telephone lines one Ma Bell.

“I think you have an infestation of chickens,” Ma Bell said when asked about the causative factor behind of the calls.”

“Ghost chickens?” asked Elizabeth Einstein nervously.

“Yeah, that‘s right,” agreed Ma Bell sarcastically, “the ghosts of chickens past are haunting Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s phone lines and phoning people at 3:15 in the afternoon and hanging up. And calling in the early AM hours. No Einstein, its chickens.”

Fernbrook Resort most intellectually respected couple - the Einsteins.

“But chickens don’t have an opposable thumb. Or an index finger. So there’s no way that a chicken could even hold a phone… let alone dial a phone.” Said Elsinore Einstein, Elizabeth’s brother and husband. “So you’re wrong there.”

“Listen you bunch of Einsteins,” shouted Ma Bell, “It’s people. People are calling and hanging up. Not real chickens.”

“But you just said it was chickens,” said a confused Illana Illogical.

“Oh, for the love of all that is good and holy.” Screamed an exasperated Ma Bell, “Its people. Scared little people who act with the brains and courage of a chicken. When a person acts like a chicken than you refer to them as chickens. Though in this case I think I’m insulting chickens by saying Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents are as smart… or as brave… as a chicken. So maybe it is people. Real live people.  NOT GHOSTS!”

A ghost chicken pecking around for a quarter to make a call?

“Ouch,” said Illana Illogical as she scratched her head. “I better take some medicine. People aren’t supposed to use logic around me. My doctor said so. That’s what makes my head hurt.”

“Logic gives me a rash,” chimed in Ralph Redskin. “My doctor gave me a placebo and soon I’ll be all better. Hey, after we take our medicine do you want to go play in traffic?”

“But when you called us Einsteins I thought that meant that we were right. Because Einstein was smart. Probably as smart as us even. He invented gravity. And the fig newton,” said Illana Illogical.

 

“It was Isaac Newton that invented the Fig Newton,” said Ralph Redskin, “not Albert Einstein.”

‘‘Ouch,” said Illana Illogical as she began scratching her head again. “I think I need more medicine.”

A noticeably perturbed Ma Bell puts a call block on Fernbrook Resort Freelton.  

Pirates Plunder Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Charity Fund

Pirates Plunder Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Charity Fund

"Why won't anyone stop the pirates," asks little Sindy Sadeyes. 'Or the Rooster."

“Mommy, is that person supposed to be taking those beer bottles and cans from the charity container?” asked little Sindy Sadeyes.

“I don’t think so,” said her mother Mindy Mindyourownbusiness. Who retains her own maiden name as a form of female empowerment.

“Shouldn’t you tell him to stop,” little Sindy insisted.

“Goodness no. Whenever people steal or… or harass or trespass or lie or gossip or vandalize or… well if they do anything bad we should always look the other way. And we should never be afraid to make false promises. Or to do a bad job… But if we’re the ones being victimized THEN we should loudly complain. About how society sucks, about how crime filled the world is and that people don’t keep their word or do quality work these days… and then we should rant that no one is doing one thing to stop it. It’s all a great example for our nation’s youth,” Mindy said as she finished her rant.

“But my schoolteacher Miss Roach says that we should always try to help others.”

“That’s because your teacher is an overpaid undereducator who’s been bought and paid for by the Wynne government so that they can be forced to imprint political correctness and false socio-economic paradigms and patterns on today’s youth.”

“What Mommy?”

“I said that I think that your teacher is on drugs,” Mindy Mindyourownbusiness answered sharply.

“But my teacher Miss Roach said – ”

Mindy Mindyourownbusiness: "It's only a

 crime when I'm the victim"

“LISTEN! Just one more word out of you… just one… and I’ll tell the Easter Bunny to take a crap in your Christmas stocking.”

“Sorry Mommy…” Sindy Sadeyes replied fearfully.

It’s true, not just the part about political correctness. Or about turning a blind eye. Or any of that other crap. But also the part about pirates stealing cans and bottles intended to fund Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s innumerable charitable initiatives.

Said Darlene Dogooder, head of the charity drive, “the money we raise from cashing in the empties subsidizes some of the park events as well as providing entertainment for the kids. We even use some of the money to buy presents for children at Christmas. Because the last thing we want are parents threatening their kids with feces filled Xmas stockings.”

John Lafeet says, "I'm no rooster or cowardly chicken I'm a brave pirate!"

So, as concerned citizens, we decided to buck the trend of only worrying about our own problems, and confront the pirates who are stealing from Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s charities and children and try to explain the damage that was being inflicted on the nation’s youth.”

“Yeah, I’m takin’ dose bottles and cans matey,” declared the head pirate who’s real name is John Lafeet. “And do you know why I take them? Because I hates these landlubbin’ chair-ities. But the only thing I hate more than chair-ities is chillun. I cants stands dem. Der hands are always sticky. Der laughter is like fingernails on a chalkboard. And days always criticizing Vladimir Putin’s foreign policy on da Ukeraine and da Middle East. What da hecks do a bunch of stupid kindergarters knows about Russian foreign policy?”

“So if the kids would get off Vladimir Putin’s back then you’ll keep your hands out of Fernbrook Resort’s charity money. Because essentially when you’re taking those cans and bottles from the charity containers, from people’s backyards and porches and from under their trailers you’re stealing money. And in some instances illegally trespassing as well.”

“Hey, ifs der Great and Powerfuls Rooster can does it why cants I?”

The Great and Powerful Rooster with his flock of cowards. Err, I mean chickens.

That’s because the Great and Powerful Rooster and his chicken friends only harass and lie and steal about their inferiors, societies outcasts… those people who are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In other words they are a bunch of gutless cowards who are only brave when a person’s back is turned or when the lights are low and the sun is down. You’re an actual brave man who can actually think for himself and does his thieving in the broad daylight when everyone can see you.

“ Well shiver me timbers, but you does has a point dere,” the pirate John Lafeet replied, “but I’se still goings to be helping myselfs to those chair-ity doubloons.”

The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Doc Ballard in a candid moment

So we approached the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, His Holiness the Right Honourable Earl of Purina Doc Ballard and asked for some assistance.

His Worship barked in reply, “Hey, as long as this pirate is giving me a cut of the profits then I don’t see anything wrong with it. Like I’ve said before charity begins at home and Fernbrook Resort Freelton is my home. Besides that I got to side with the pirate on this one, the only thing worse than charity is children. Stealing from both at the same time is pure genius. Two for the price of one. I truly gotta admire the guy. He’s got balls. Not like that smelly rooster and his lying chicken friends. What a bunch of cowards they are.”

Which leaves policing the matter to those concerned citizens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Every time you see a pirate you should ask them to “please don’t steal from charities or children. Because if I do see you stealing one more time I am going to make you walk the plank.”

Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sees a Return of Tommyknocking Tactics

Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sees a Return of Tommyknocking Tactics

The long running Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort appears to have entered a new phase. During the last week to ten days the chickens seem to have abandoned the tactic of faeces flinging and have graduated to setting new benchmarks in petty vandalism and tommyknocking. Tommyknocking of course being those phantom window raps that occur only in the early morning hours and always under the cover of darkness.

The reason for the switch in tactics may be due to the fact  that the United Nations recently added faeces to the banned weapons list of the Geneva Convention. And the chickens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton appear to be abiding by this decision. At least for the time being.

On another note, a recent study has shown that those Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens who have suffered from the terrorist and bullying tactics of faeces flinging, theft, vandalism, tommyknocking etc. etc. all seem to be anti chicken in nature. While not one chicken has ever complained about any of these threats. Nope. Chickens only complain about trumped up charges usually relating to noise issues, unkempt residences and other imaginary property and personal complaints.

Indicating that there is a direct correlation between being a chicken and participating in childish and/or immature behavior.

As well, it has been rumoured that the chickens are preparing a petition asking that those Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens who don’t enjoy finding faeces on their property, having their property stolen or vandalized, being ostracized or gossiped about etc. etc. have their citizenship in this grand nation revoked.

And I for one welcome this initiative.

The last thing my family or I want are people who don’t enjoy finding faeces on their property on a daily basis, having their property stolen or vandalized or who don’t enjoy being ostracized or gossiped about. Nor do we want those who maintain their properties or try to act in a quasi acceptable adult manner. We need to kick these hopefully responsible types out of Fernbrook Resort Freelton once and for all. And I for one would take great pleasure in being the first to sign such a petition and do my part, albeit however small, in lowering the bar of common decency in this grand nation dominated by a large number of crayon munching glue sniffers.    

Of course I won’t be signing any petition until my legal team has read it. A poorly worded and/or misguided petition opens both its authors and all signatories to a costly civil action. And I don’t want to lose the $85.10 cents in my bank account. Or that bag hidden under my mattress. That one filled with five hundred and ten US pennies that serves as my retirement fund.

Ur ur ur ur ur ur ur ur ur urrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ask not for who the cock crows it crows for thee.

Rooster & Chickens Deny Latest Vandalism Spree at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Rooster & Chickens Deny Latest Vandalism Spree at Fernbrook Resort Freelton



"I am not a vandal!!!"



In an announcement that shocked many the Great and Powerful Rooster denied the previously reported sneak attack on the bird feeders of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.



I don't even know what
a bird feeder is !!!!"

 

Sounding particularly Nixonesque the Great and Powerful Rooster squawked loudly, “I did not vandalize the neighbor’s bird feeder, I didn’t even know the neighbor’s had a bird feeder. It was those guys.”

He then held his wings up high above his head and after several failed attempts to form a vee sign with his feathers squawked ‘Pr-kaw… Pr-kawww” and flew off into the sun. 

Which leads to three likely scenarios.




"Think they fell for it???"

 

1.) that Rooster is telling the truth and he did not trespass and vandalize the neighbor’s property.

2.) that he is lying and did both trespass and vandalize.

3.) that he did not commit the crime but knows who did. Notice how Rooster said, “It was those guys.” So if it wasn’t him than he knows who committed the crime. Making him somewhat culpable as the Great and Powerful Rooster did instigate the Chicken War of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. .

This is the chicken that stole donations intended for the Fernbrook Resort library because he said, “those books are too good for them” then sold the books etc. and pocketed the proceeds. But of course folks believe any thing that Rooster squawks because he is both great and powerful. Their better in all ways.

If folks would look at Rooster's entire catalogue of works instead of considering every incident as a one off occurence then there is not much doubt they would see a true picture of the Great and Powerful Rooster.


And that is today's war news.

"What? No lawsuits or legal threats?
Stupid Chicken War!"