Pirates Plunder Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Charity Fund

Pirates Plunder Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Charity Fund

"Why won't anyone stop the pirates," asks little Sindy Sadeyes. 'Or the Rooster."

“Mommy, is that person supposed to be taking those beer bottles and cans from the charity container?” asked little Sindy Sadeyes.

“I don’t think so,” said her mother Mindy Mindyourownbusiness. Who retains her own maiden name as a form of female empowerment.

“Shouldn’t you tell him to stop,” little Sindy insisted.

“Goodness no. Whenever people steal or… or harass or trespass or lie or gossip or vandalize or… well if they do anything bad we should always look the other way. And we should never be afraid to make false promises. Or to do a bad job… But if we’re the ones being victimized THEN we should loudly complain. About how society sucks, about how crime filled the world is and that people don’t keep their word or do quality work these days… and then we should rant that no one is doing one thing to stop it. It’s all a great example for our nation’s youth,” Mindy said as she finished her rant.

“But my schoolteacher Miss Roach says that we should always try to help others.”

“That’s because your teacher is an overpaid undereducator who’s been bought and paid for by the Wynne government so that they can be forced to imprint political correctness and false socio-economic paradigms and patterns on today’s youth.”

“What Mommy?”

“I said that I think that your teacher is on drugs,” Mindy Mindyourownbusiness answered sharply.

“But my teacher Miss Roach said – ”

Mindy Mindyourownbusiness: "It's only a

 crime when I'm the victim"

“LISTEN! Just one more word out of you… just one… and I’ll tell the Easter Bunny to take a crap in your Christmas stocking.”

“Sorry Mommy…” Sindy Sadeyes replied fearfully.

It’s true, not just the part about political correctness. Or about turning a blind eye. Or any of that other crap. But also the part about pirates stealing cans and bottles intended to fund Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s innumerable charitable initiatives.

Said Darlene Dogooder, head of the charity drive, “the money we raise from cashing in the empties subsidizes some of the park events as well as providing entertainment for the kids. We even use some of the money to buy presents for children at Christmas. Because the last thing we want are parents threatening their kids with feces filled Xmas stockings.”

John Lafeet says, "I'm no rooster or cowardly chicken I'm a brave pirate!"

So, as concerned citizens, we decided to buck the trend of only worrying about our own problems, and confront the pirates who are stealing from Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s charities and children and try to explain the damage that was being inflicted on the nation’s youth.”

“Yeah, I’m takin’ dose bottles and cans matey,” declared the head pirate who’s real name is John Lafeet. “And do you know why I take them? Because I hates these landlubbin’ chair-ities. But the only thing I hate more than chair-ities is chillun. I cants stands dem. Der hands are always sticky. Der laughter is like fingernails on a chalkboard. And days always criticizing Vladimir Putin’s foreign policy on da Ukeraine and da Middle East. What da hecks do a bunch of stupid kindergarters knows about Russian foreign policy?”

“So if the kids would get off Vladimir Putin’s back then you’ll keep your hands out of Fernbrook Resort’s charity money. Because essentially when you’re taking those cans and bottles from the charity containers, from people’s backyards and porches and from under their trailers you’re stealing money. And in some instances illegally trespassing as well.”

“Hey, ifs der Great and Powerfuls Rooster can does it why cants I?”

The Great and Powerful Rooster with his flock of cowards. Err, I mean chickens.

That’s because the Great and Powerful Rooster and his chicken friends only harass and lie and steal about their inferiors, societies outcasts… those people who are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In other words they are a bunch of gutless cowards who are only brave when a person’s back is turned or when the lights are low and the sun is down. You’re an actual brave man who can actually think for himself and does his thieving in the broad daylight when everyone can see you.

“ Well shiver me timbers, but you does has a point dere,” the pirate John Lafeet replied, “but I’se still goings to be helping myselfs to those chair-ity doubloons.”

The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Doc Ballard in a candid moment

So we approached the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, His Holiness the Right Honourable Earl of Purina Doc Ballard and asked for some assistance.

His Worship barked in reply, “Hey, as long as this pirate is giving me a cut of the profits then I don’t see anything wrong with it. Like I’ve said before charity begins at home and Fernbrook Resort Freelton is my home. Besides that I got to side with the pirate on this one, the only thing worse than charity is children. Stealing from both at the same time is pure genius. Two for the price of one. I truly gotta admire the guy. He’s got balls. Not like that smelly rooster and his lying chicken friends. What a bunch of cowards they are.”

Which leaves policing the matter to those concerned citizens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Every time you see a pirate you should ask them to “please don’t steal from charities or children. Because if I do see you stealing one more time I am going to make you walk the plank.”