Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sees a Return of Tommyknocking Tactics

Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sees a Return of Tommyknocking Tactics

The long running Chicken War at Fernbrook Resort appears to have entered a new phase. During the last week to ten days the chickens seem to have abandoned the tactic of faeces flinging and have graduated to setting new benchmarks in petty vandalism and tommyknocking. Tommyknocking of course being those phantom window raps that occur only in the early morning hours and always under the cover of darkness.

The reason for the switch in tactics may be due to the fact  that the United Nations recently added faeces to the banned weapons list of the Geneva Convention. And the chickens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton appear to be abiding by this decision. At least for the time being.

On another note, a recent study has shown that those Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens who have suffered from the terrorist and bullying tactics of faeces flinging, theft, vandalism, tommyknocking etc. etc. all seem to be anti chicken in nature. While not one chicken has ever complained about any of these threats. Nope. Chickens only complain about trumped up charges usually relating to noise issues, unkempt residences and other imaginary property and personal complaints.

Indicating that there is a direct correlation between being a chicken and participating in childish and/or immature behavior.

As well, it has been rumoured that the chickens are preparing a petition asking that those Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens who don’t enjoy finding faeces on their property, having their property stolen or vandalized, being ostracized or gossiped about etc. etc. have their citizenship in this grand nation revoked.

And I for one welcome this initiative.

The last thing my family or I want are people who don’t enjoy finding faeces on their property on a daily basis, having their property stolen or vandalized or who don’t enjoy being ostracized or gossiped about. Nor do we want those who maintain their properties or try to act in a quasi acceptable adult manner. We need to kick these hopefully responsible types out of Fernbrook Resort Freelton once and for all. And I for one would take great pleasure in being the first to sign such a petition and do my part, albeit however small, in lowering the bar of common decency in this grand nation dominated by a large number of crayon munching glue sniffers.    

Of course I won’t be signing any petition until my legal team has read it. A poorly worded and/or misguided petition opens both its authors and all signatories to a costly civil action. And I don’t want to lose the $85.10 cents in my bank account. Or that bag hidden under my mattress. That one filled with five hundred and ten US pennies that serves as my retirement fund.

Ur ur ur ur ur ur ur ur ur urrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ask not for who the cock crows it crows for thee.

Pope Francis asks Chickens to end Tomfoolery at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Pope Francis asks Chickens to end Tomfoolery at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

For many centuries popes have made a point of visiting Fernbrook Resort Freelton. But the steady decline in the standards and ethics of the canine ruled nation has disappointed the newly elected Pope. So much so that His Holiness issued a heartfelt public plea to it’s citizens.

"How much corruption there is in the world! I hope you have the courage ... to clean up Freelton and to clean up Fernbrook Resort. So that there is no longer that stink of tommyrot," Pope Francis began.

Pope Francis then urged members of organized flocks of chickens to turn away from their tomfoolery as he visited one of the Resort's most violent and tomfool filled neighborhoods on Saturday.

He was speaking in the shadow of a dilapidated mobile home in an area known as Feces-Town, an area so smelly that even police are sometimes afraid to enter, residents say.

Francis also spoke out against tommyrot in an address to a crowd in the notorious MethVille neighborhood, a stronghold of clans of the Gallus domesticus, the Fernbrook Resort version of the Freelton mafia.

"How much tommyrot there is in the neighborhood of MethVille! I hope you have the courage ... to clean up… and clean up Fernbrook Resort. So that there is no longer that foul stench of tommyrot," Francis began.



He next urged the area’s residents, which has often been the battleground of Gallus domesticus clans fighting for control of the tomfoolery and dog feces flinging rackets, not to let chickens rob them of their hope.

At a Mass in the clubhouse, Francis urged all of the former nudists to "react firmly to organizations that engage in tomfoolery or that act as tomfools with their tommyknocking and other crimes".

"To the chickens and all their accomplices, I, today, humbly and as Pope, repeat: convert yourselves to love and justice. It is possible to return to honesty," he said.

He has also said members of organized flocks of chickens excommunicate themselves from the Church, and that it would welcome them back if they repent… then go stuff themselves… with seasoned bread… before repeatedly basting themselves at 185 degrees for two hours and ten minutes.

Tommyknockers? Or More Tomfoolery? Ghostly Hauntings at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Tommyknockers? Or More Tomfoolery? Ghostly Hauntings at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

That was the claim of one startled family at once famous Fernbrook Resort in Freelton.

Apparently on March 22, 2015 a series of ghostly tappings was heard inside one of the combination crack dens/meth labs that are alleged to dot the pothole covered landscape of the tiny nation infested with blackflies and poison ivy.

Said the startled victim, "It was about 10 PM or so and I was just sitting down to do a line of coke and huff a tube of glue or two when the banging started. It only lasted for a couple of moments before it ceased."

"That’s just tommyrot," other slightly sober residents claimed upon hearing of the disturbance.

"Well, whatever it was… I was scared. And it’s a good thing I don’t wear pants because they would’ve been scared right offa me!" the trouser-less party added.

Regardless, paranormal investigators rushed to the site to investigate. And while no Tommyknockers were found their infrared equipment did pick up traces of something unusual.

Explained Ghostbuster Casper Weinberger, "true, we didn’t find anything supernatural, but what we did find is totally unexplainable. See here," he said as he picked up an image he had captured with his equipment, "this here shows what appears to be a giant male turkey with a small flock of chickens. One of the chickens would appear to be a Rhode Island Red while the other may in fact be a usually better behaved Blue Hen of Delaware. Though it’s hard to tell for sure because the image is a bit blurry."

And what is unexplainable about that?

"Well," explained fellow Ghostbuster Egon Spengler, "chickens don’t usually hang out with turkeys. Unless they’re desperate for company, they pity them or they’re up to some sort of tomfoolery."

So was it a case of a tommyknocker?

Was it just simple tomfoolery that caused the unexplained disturbance?

Or is it all just tommyrot?

A Tommyknocker, a Peeping Tom and a Giant Chicken at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

A Tommyknocker, a Peeping Tom and a Giant Chicken at Fernbrook Resort Freelton
 
I was talking to some neighbours the other day and they had a surprising tale to tell. At 6:05 of the AM on Wednesday November 5th, 2014 (in the year of our Lord) some one or some thing banged on the back window of their home before running off faster than Ben Johnson on a cocktail of steroids (Ben Johnson the sprinter not Ben Jonson the dramatist).

And this wasn’t the first time such an event had taken place.

It had happened once before in June. And once prior to that in February.  

And a couple minutes after each occurrence, coincidentally, a car was heard starting up. Then driving away. Some sort of roostermobile if their description is correct.

They don’t know what to make of it.

But I think I do.

No doubt it was a Tom · my · kno · cker (noun).

A TOmmyknocker of course is one of those malevolently evil and narcissistic creatures that goes around tapping here and there and causing childish trouble.

Though too it could be a peep·ing Tom (noun).

A peeping Tom of course is one of those weird perverts who derives sexual pleasure from secretly watching people through the windows of their homes.  

But there is one other choice as well.

No, not an adult male turkey gobble gobble (ha ha ha good parallelism though) but rather some sort of chicken. A giant rooster perhaps. In search of an early morning bowl of Purina Instant Rooster Chow™. Because as fate would have it, adjacent to those neighbours it is alleged doth reside a giant lazy rooster with poorly veiled narcissistic tendencies.

Now if we could just put a name to that giant rooster this Hardy Boys style mystery could be put to a rest.

Cock-a-doodle-gobble gobble gobble




PS - I only used the word doth just because I wanted to sound cool – like I had read Shakespeare or Marlowe or Pope or Ben Jonson (the dramatist not the sprinter).