Is Old Yeller the Yeller Bellied Vehicle Vandal of Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

Is Old Yeller the Yeller Bellied Vehicle Vandal of Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Issues a Reward for notorious Vehicle Vandal

Now, for those who aren’t familiar with the lingo of the old west a yellowbelly is someone who is too afraid to face down someone, it’s only when the backside is showing that any ‘bravery’ comes out. In other words a yellowbelly is slang for a person who is without courage, fortitude, or nerve. Yeah, yellowbelly is a somewhat archaic term for a coward. 

'I'm so glad to be a Yellowbelly!"

And it seems that the number of yellowbelly’s may have just increased by one in this here neck of the woods. Meaning that there is never a dull moment in the Toothpaste Eating nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

Though this dull moment may have a spot of good news – that being the revelation of one of the nation’s vehicle vandals.

Our last tale was the story of Old Yeller. The story of a neighbor who took several minutes from their busy day to yell at another neighbor over the unacceptable part in their hair. The neighbor quietly ignored the angry outburst. Strangely, just days after this encounter, the victim in this tragic tale had their vehicle vandalized.

Does this mean that Old Yeller vandalized the vehicle? Nope. It could be just a coincidence.

"A Yellowbelly means what?"

Coincidentally, just this past summer, Old Yeller had a shouting match with one of Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s finest and most upstanding citizens. The very next day that citizen’s vehicle, a golf cart, was vandalized.

Is this proof that Old Yeller vandalized that vehicle as well? Nope. It could be just a coincidence.

But it does seem awfully coincidental that folks who have had run-ins with Old Yeller… immediately after are conveniently victimized by a vandal.

So I am suggesting that Old Yeller masquerades at night under the secret identity of Yellowbelly the Fernbrook Resort Freelton Vehicle Vandal. And yellowbelly is an apt name because only a coward would attack an inanimate object. A real man would face down the object of their scorn. Settle it mano a mano.

Fisticuffs.

Strangely, several times this year, Old Yeller has been heard to remark to various Fernbrook Resort citizens that he is going to kick Neighbor Undesirable’s ass if that neighbor makes even the slightest bit of noise. And I have heard Neighbour Undesirable making noise. And Old Yeller the Yellowbelly has as well. As he has been heard remarking on the noise. Yet Yellowbelly has never followed through on his threat. 

"Great, now I gots to change my name! Thanks Old Yeller!"

So I guess the proof is in the pudding. Old Yeller is indeed a Yellowbelly. A coward. Any bravery he has rises and sets with the sun.

And I for one applaud this type of behaviour. Fernbrook Resort Freelton needs more tough talking neighbour’s who threaten others, who yell at others, and who vandalize inanimate objects because they are not man enough to face up to their wimpy neighbours or their cowardice.

So, once again, I encourage all Fernbrook Resort Freelton citizens and tourists to take the time to thank Old Yeller for the great fieldwork he’s doing in the study of adult actions, mature behavior and of course cowardice.

“Thank you Old Yeller for being a Yellow Bellied Sap Sucking Coward!” is what we should be saying when we see Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s when we see him approach. Or we could just shout it at him when we see him in the distance.

Oh, and stay tuned for more vehicle vandalism. 

Another starring role for Fernbrook Resort Freelton's most beloved Yellowbelly Old Yeller.

Which I’m sure will be coming to this fine nation on a nightly basis.

Walt Disney Lied! Old Yeller is Alive & Well. And Living at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Walt Disney Lied! Old Yeller is Alive & Well. And Living at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

File photo of Walt Disney. In background is Old Yeller's luxurious summer retreat. 

Remember that ole Walt Disney movie ‘Old Yeller’? Based on the book of the same name by Fred Gipson. At the end of the movie Old Yeller is shot. 

But Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents know this not to be true. 

The real Old Yeller sans costume and makeup

Old Yeller is alive and well. And yellering at family, neighbours and employees of the Fernbrook nation with reckless and indiscriminate abandon.

In fact just the other day Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s most undesirable and disliked citizen was out walking the nations byways and highways when Old Yeller sped by, hit the brakes, jumped out of the car and began yellering at Neighbour Undesirable. 

Old Yeller at work on the Disney set.

All I heard was five minutes plus of yellering. Yelling that was so fast and loud that I couldn’t actually make out what was being said. However being 90% deaf I am also a consummate lip reader. And I’m pretty certain that I could make out the topic of the one sided discussion. 

And the topic was the part of Neighbor Undesirable’s hair.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton's unapproved hair part

Yup, Old Yeller was yelling at neighbour undesirable about the incorrect non-Fernbrook Resort management approved part of his hair. 

The approved Fernbrook Resort hair part.

Neighbour Undesirable however not only seemed to be ignoring the appaulling behavior of Old Yeller, he also appeared to be looking at the ground and quietly smiling. Which enraged Old Yeller to such a degree that the yelling rose and rose and rose until it took the tone of a dog whistle. Or a boiling steam kettle. Finally, frustrated by the lack of response from Neighbour Undesirable, the Old Yeller ran home in tears, tail between legs, and loudly slammed the door on the mobile mansion. So sad not to be being instantly obeyed by a mere mortal and lesser person.  

But I would like to take the time to thank you Old Yeller! And other Fernbrook Resort citizens reading this should also take the time to walk up to Old Yeller and just say “Thank you Old Yeller.” Because I for one applaud this type of behavior. (It certainly beats the appalling behavior of those socially superior stone-quiet Silences and the pussy they hold prisoner.)

Truly.

Because the last thing Fernbrook Resort Freelton needs are citizens who flaunt authority and part their hair in an appalling or non-acceptable manner. We need to get rid of these types once and for all. 

And once we get rid of all the people we don’t like because they're more dumberer than we is than we can find other appalling people we don’t like. And than get rid of those people too! Until everyone is exactly the same as Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s mostest smartestest and intelligentest citizen. Old Yeller. Because hey, this tactic of societal eugenics worked for Adolph Hitler. And in the history of the world no one parted their hair in a more popular or socially acceptable fashion than der Fuehrer. And that turned out great for both Germany and the world. 

Adolph Hitler displays his parted hair to adoring German masses.

Though he was a bit of an Old Yeller too. Hitler was. Always shooting off his mouth. And just like Old Yeller he also ended up getting shot at the end.

Oh well... I guess sometimes it sucks to be an Old Yeller.

Telling the Truth May Lead to a Lawsuit at Hyper-Sensitive Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Telling the Truth May Lead to a Lawsuit at Hyper-Sensitive Fernbrook Resort Freelton

"You are so sued!"

No doubt constant readers will remember the true tale (see: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2016/10/keep-your-hands-off-my-pussy-fernbrook.html) of an unnamed Fernbrook Resort Freelton neighbor, referred to as the Silences, who, allegedly, banned their family from conversing with Neighbour Undesirable. And then confined their cat to the house when that same nieghbour was seen giving the hungry pussy a few strokes of attention.

Well, the tale just got stranger.

"Boo hoo hoo hoo,: cried Nancy the neighbour, "Telling the truth about me has hurt my feelings!"

Allegedly an unnamed Fernbrook Resort Freelton family contacted a lawyer. Feeling that the tale in question - “Keep Your Hands Off My Pussy!” Fernbrook Resort Freelton Neighbour Loudly Declares - was a slur on their good name. Even though no one was named in the tale. 

Perhaps their name isn’t that good. 

Anyway, their lawyer agreed with them (not about their name being no good [though no doubt he suspects that] but the part about being mortally defamed. That someone saying that an unnamed someone similar to them that did not allow their family to talk to a neighbor or allow their pussy out to be petted, was indeed grounds for a lawsuit. 

But then if I was charging two hundred bucks an hour no doubt I would agree with my client as well.

Though it does raise one question… why on earth would anyone think that the aforementioned story was about them? … Unless of course that is that they had actually told their family NOT to talk to someone AND/OR suddenly stopped allowing their cat outside.

And if they did, then how can they claim defamation? Or request damages?  

Because in this particular instance the truth is actually a defense against defamation.

And if the story is not true, how can they prove the unnamed family in the story is actually them? And again if they could ever do that, what damages could they expect when they did find the name of whomever was spreading these awful and hideous slurs about them? Not letting your pussy out to wander. INDEED! How hurtful. No doubt they’d win some valuable pocket lint and a half eaten roll of Lifesavers™ because their feelings were so so terribly hurt and they could no longer sleep at nights. 

Hypothetically, if I were the accused, I would ask the complainant just two questions. The first would be to detail conversations that each member of that family had had with the accused. And, the second, how often they allowed their pussy out for some air.

But I’m sure they would have some sort of excuse for both if the responses were indeed negative. As I suspect they would be.

Funny thing is… ever since that story ‘ “Keep Your Hands Off My Pussy!” Fernbrook Resort Freelton Neighbour Loudly Declares ’ was published not one resident in the Pine Cone Smoking Land of Fernbrook Resort Freelton has ever seen the Silences cat pussy footing around outside.

How’s that for a coincidence.

So good luck with that lawsuit. I hope your shady lawyer bilks you worse than a guilty client in a John Grisham novel. And I only hope that because you deserve it. And if you have any money left over when the case is settled … Go buy yourself a case of hair conditioner and a crate of epidermis thickener you whiny hypersensitive selective-memoried little nancy.

  

"If someone would mind my cat I could find time to become a lawyer," remarked Carlene Coitus-Interruptus

  (On a sidebar – did you know that in Ontario referring to someone a homosexual, gay, queer etc. is grounds for a lawsuit. Defamation, mental anguish, harassment, loss of affection etc. And if you’re fortunate you can settle out of court with a tidy untaxable sum and retire (perhaps at a young age) and never have to work again?”)

Turds or Tunes? It’s a toss-up for the Great and Powerful Rooster of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Turds or Tunes? It’s a toss-up for the Great and Powerful Rooster of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

How about a song about turds?

“This is frickin’ ridiculous,” the Great and Powerful Rooster was overheard tearfully remarking to a friend. “First it was Neil Diamond and now it’s Van Morrison.”

"I feel so sad!" remarked Rooster

“They’re both good songs,” Mr. E Friend replied quite truthfully. “Great in fact.”

“But the songs should be about me. I invented turd terrorism,” he sniffed loudly, “so they should be writing songs about me. Not about these two nobodies that are just copying what I invented and what I and my family and friends do…

     …at the very least they should name turds after me,” Rooster added after a long pause.

“You want turds to be named after you,” Mr. E Friend asked. “Turds.”

“Exactly.” Rooster sniffed even more loudly. “Because I deserve it.”

“You deserve to have turds renamed after you?”

Rooster rues the cruelness of the world.

“Yeah… That fire cocktail was named after Molotov. And look how famous he is.”

“But you know... Molotov didn’t actually invent the petrol bomb. In fact it wasn’t even named after him. It was named for him. As an insult. After that stupid pact he authored with Von Ribbentrop that eventually helped Germany torch the USSR,” Mr. E Friend answered truthfully.

“But everyone knows who he is. He’s famous. Everybody knows him,” Rooster repeated loudly.

“He’s long dead. And Molotov wasn’t even his real name. So, truthfully, very few actually remember who he was.”

“I don’t care,” Rooster shouted loudly, “I want a song written after me. I want it I want it I want it,” he kept saying as he stomped his feet loudly while walking a tight circle. “I want it I want it I want it I want it.”

“Can’t you just write one yourself? A song. Or perhaps a short poem?” Mr. E Friend offered.”

“No. No no no no no,” it has to be someone else. And someone better than Diamond or Van Morrison. Someone like… like… the Village People. Or Milli Vanilli. Or or or… or the Backstreet Boys. No one’s better than them.”

“Yeah but I don’t think…”

“I don’t care,” Rooster screamed, “I want a song written after me and I want one now. And until someone does I’m going to hold my breath and die. Than the world will be sorry.”

The Great and Powerful Rooster throws himself on the ground in a pique of rage.

Then the Great and Powerful Rooster of Fernbrook Resort Freelton took a deep breath, puffed out his cheeks and closed his pointy beak-mouth

“How long are you going to hold your breath for?” Mr. E Friend asked.

“Until turds are named after me or until someone writes a song about me,” Rooster replied gasping for air as he opened his mouth.

“You just breathed.”

“Shut up,” Rooster replied opening his mouth again.

“You just breathed again,” Mr. E Friend repeated again.

“Mmmph mmmph mmmph,” Rooster said with a closed mouth.

“You’re breathing through your nose,” Mr. E Friend said, “And I can see your chest moving.”

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Will this be the end of the Great and Powerful Rooster?

Will turds be renamed in the honor of the Great and Powerful Rooster?

Or will someone write a song about this inventor of Turd Terrorism and in doing so save his life?

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“I hope turds are named after me,” Rooster said interrupting the narration.

“You just breathed again,” Mr. E Friend noted once more.

“Shut up shut up shut up shut up,” Rooster crowed angrily.

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So stay tuned for the next stupid and boringly ridiculous episode of the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

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“I’ll take the song… maybe the song is better,” Rooster added as an afterthought

.

“You’re still breathing.”