“Keep Your Hands Off My Pussy!” Fernbrook Resort Freelton Neighbour Loudly Declares

“Keep Your Hands Off My Pussy!” Fernbrook Resort Freelton Neighbour Loudly Declares

"Who wouldn't like to pet my my cat?" queried Sylvia Trench

After reading numerous tales about the numerous Fernbrook Resort Freelton neighbours who don’t curb their dogs, who bully, who vandalize, who steal, who tote and toss faeces, who… who… well, you get the point. There is nothing that should surprise you about the behaviours of the residents of earth’s most Holier-than-thou-nation. Sorry Pope Francis and the Vatican – you only finished sixth in that category.

And the latest poop?

Well, it seems that one of the neighbours, the Silences, have ordered their family (spouse and kids) not to talk to or otherwise engage neighbor Undesirable. But this type of behavior is old hat among the residents of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

So that’s not the poop.

The poop is that another neighbor, Neighbour Busybody, saw neighbour Undesirable petting the Silence’s cat. And immediately ran over and told the Silences. As a result the Silences decided that their pussy is no longer allowed to roam free around Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s faeces covered landscape. From now on it spends 24 / 7 / 365 indoors.

And quite honestly I don’t know which is more pathetic. That a neighbor is so… so jealous?... of another that they would take it out on their cat.

"That poor poor cat!" remarked Candy Hottotrot

Or that neighbor Busybody would actually run over and say, “Hey, Silences, neighbour Undesirable was seen petting your household pussy. You better do something about it… before you become un desirable yourself.”

Quite honestly I think both are equally pathetic and sad.  Not just the situations but the nieghbours who would conduct themselves in such a mature manner. But as I might be biased I decided to conduct a random and informal survey of some of our Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s more sensible residents and gauge their opinion.

Brandy Sexington asked, "If you don't like cats perhaps you like my kittens?"

Said Candy Hottotrot after being informed of the sorry situation, “How horrible! Well, if that neighbor would like to pet my pussy than they are more than welcome. I’m sure I… I mean it… it… would enjoy the action.”

"I know my cat needs plenty of attention" said Venus Poon Tang.

Brandy Sexington was also surprised at the allegation. And also willing to provide a pussy. “Every pussy needs attention… so when can I stop by and get some attention? For my cat I mean… some attention for my cat.”

“No pussy should be neglected,” remarked Venus Poon Tang with a sexy smile, “In fact I know of a pussy that could use constant attention right now.”

But perhaps the last word goes to Ms. Sinnamon Bunns. “Well perhaps if the Silences gave their pussy the attention it’s seeking than it wouldn’t go wandering over to a neighbours home looking for a good time.”

Ms. Sinnamon Bunns (center) with Fernbrook Resort friends Kitty Katzenburger and Betty Rubble.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Residents Ticked Off by Inconsiderate Bullying Neighbour Consider Legal Intervention

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Residents Ticked Off by Inconsiderate Bullying Neighbour Consider Legal Intervention

Dominic Dash, "Are you lookin' at me? Are you lookin' at me?"

There is a rumour making the rounds that a Fernbrook Resort Freelton neighbor took a child’s snow globe lantern, emptied out the liquid, placed a camera inside and then hung it across the street from their residence. As a means to capture the identities of trespassers, thieves, vandals and the always dangerous turd terrorists that roam Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

"We can't properly harass with all these stupid cameras!"

“If this is true,” remarked Meryline Mugwort sadly, “then it’s just not right. If I had known I was being monitored then I would never have allowed my pup to poop repeatedly on that lawn.”

Scarlet Stickupmyass gives the stink eye.

“I agree with Meryline,” said her close confidante, Scarlet Stickupmyass. “If people are going to put cameras around and monitor our behavior and then report our names no one is going to want to steal… or vandalize… or… or do other things. Things that are our right. This so-called neighbor is being very inconsiderate.”

“Hear, hear,” applauded Dominic Dash, “When you bully and harass someone they’re just supposed to sit and take it.”

“Yeah,” said manipulated pal Dunne Dyer, “or maybe they run away a bit and then fall down, curl up in a fetal position and cry feebly. That would really make me feel good about myself. Knowing that I can cause that kind of damage.”

Dunne Dyer, "you're supposed to curl up and cry dude!"

“Right on,” agreed Dom. “Even better is when you harass them for such a long time that you can make them commit suicide. That makes you feel so good about yourself. Knowing that you have that kind of power over another. It’s great for my self esteem. Plus it’s supposed to be good for your complexion.”

Pal Harold Hypocrit interjected, “I have seen on the news where people continually harassed over long periods of time… that they go postal. And go on a revenge rampage.”

"Quit bullying us!" threatened Harold Hypocrit.

“That would be awesome,” agreed Dom, “because that would show just what kind of jerk the neighbor truly is.  That we were tight to do what we did. And we would all get to be on TV telling people about it. Imagine all the attention we would get if we were on TV. Everyone would know who I am.”

“Yeah but do you think the neighbor would do it?” asked Harold Hypocrit.

Offered Dom. “If it was me being bullied I would go haywire in a second. But it wouldn’t be my fault. It would be the fault of society for making me do it. But this neighbor is too much of a pussy to do anything.”

“Oh,” remarked Scarlet Stickupmyass, “but I thought the neighbour was fighting back. Not just with the cameras I mean.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Every time I try to give them the stink eye they look at me condescendingly. Like they wish I would grow up. But I go to church every Sunday. So they have no right to look at me like that. I go to church!” she repeated.

“I felt the same thing. The neighbor has looked at me and pities me. Like I’m a poor example for children and shouldn’t be allowed to parent. It makes me feel sad inside. That’s not how bullying is supposed to work. It’s supposed to make you feel good. And strong. And happy. And confident.”

“I thought so too. But… The look in their eyes when they pass by is… well… it’s like they feel sorry for me. But they can’t do that. We’re stealing and harassing and picking up dog shit and shoveling it onto their property and somehow they feel sorry for us? It’s ridiculous. And I for one won’t stand for it any longer.”

"We're the ones being bullied," the Great and Powerful Rooster revealed. 

“Nor should you have to,” said a visibly ticked off Great and Powerful Rooster who had been closely monitoring the conversation. “What this neighbor is doing to us is harassment. Which is also bullying. And we do not have to stand for it. Made to feel like stupid people, people without any moral compass, without a sense of common decency, or even one ounce of adult maturity in our bodies. That neighbor is making us feel bad about our childish judgment, immature behavior and teenage antics. Hurting peoples feelings is wrong. We need to get a lawyer and we need to sue.”

“Hurrah!!” shouted the good people of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, “Hurrah!!! Rooster, you’ve saved the day again!”

“Well,” replied Rooster with false modesty, “after all I am Great and Powerful. I am Great and Powerful!”

A Statistical Representation of Crime Loci in Fernbrook Resort Freelton

A Statistical Representation of Crime Loci in Fernbrook Resort Freelton

 

Statistics reveal to us that by proportion, Fernbrook Resort Freelton is the most crime ridden jurisdictions in the western hemisphere.

Why is that?

It’s hard to say for certain without knowing where the crimes are occurring. So we took a map of Fernbrook Resort Freelton and plotted known and reported crimes. Strangely, over 95% of the reported incidents occur within one cluster. So we enlarged that one section of the map with the cluster of crimes.

If Rooster’s home is located near where the X and Y Axis meet then almost every crime, with one exception, occurs within 100 meters of Rooster’s home. Which is strange.

But what is stranger is the fact that none of the crimes happened on Rooster’s property. In fact there is not one record of a crime being recorded on Rooster’s property. Only on properties that abut Rooster.

Which is strange. Unless Rooster and his crowd are committing the crimes But of course if it was you or your family committing the crimes then of course you wouldn’t notice a thing. Makes sense.

In fact Rooster and his family can even spread out their possessions on neighbouring properties and those possessions remain free from crime.

Rooster’s property has a bird’s eye view of where the overwhelming majorityof the crimes were committed.

Yet not once has Rooster or his family ever once reported seeing a crime committed. But of course if it was you or your family committing the crimes then of course you wouldn’t notice a thing. Makes sense.

Nor have they reported hearing a thing. But of course if it was you or your family committing the crimes then of course you wouldn’t notice a thing. Makes sense.

And since Rooster has a bird’s eye view of where the crimes were committed you would think that he would have noticed some thing. With the overwhelming number of crimes committed.

But then that same bird’s eye view provides the opportunity to commit the crime. The opportunity to know when neighbours are not present. Or are asleep. Plus the opportunity to know when no one else is around to observe you in your crimes.

Of course this is not proof positive. Just speculation based on crimes committed and their proximity to Rooster’s home. And the allegations of opportunity.

But that still leaves the need for a motive?

I’ll bet you noticed those stray dots at a distance from Rooster’s home. That is the site where Rooster and/or his family are alleged to have vandalized a tractor belonging to Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Some other citizens then took pictures of the crime and posted them to Facebook.  Strangely, it is alleged that Rooster’s family’s Facebook page had pictures with childish comments about a neighbor. The same neighbor who seems to have suffered from the majority of the crimes allegedly committed by Rooster, his family and his friends.

Perhaps a motive does exist after all.     

The Rooster of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Declares War on Neil Diamond

The Rooster of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Declares War on Neil Diamond

The Great and Powerful Rooster's portable crap manufacturing facility goes by the name of Poopy Pooperstein.

An extremely irate Great and Powerful Rooster announced to Fernbrook Resort Freelton that he was extremely irate.

"I am extremely irate"

And what has so upset the Great and Powerful Rooster?

Neil Diamond.

The Great and Powerful Rooster is beside himself that the legendary Neil Diamond would write a song about someone other than him.

Crowed an angry Rooster, “I have been dropping dog faeces on people’s lawn for years. And not just fresh dog faeces either. I’ve been going that extra mile and aging the faeces to the point of desiccation. Before I strut bravely over under the cover of darkness and place it where the neighbor will likely step in it. And my friends have been doing it too. But does Neil Diamond write a song about me and all my hard work? No. He sings about some greenhorn who probably couldn’t piss in a pot.”

But that wasn’t all that the Great and Powerful Rooster revealed. The Great One, His family and their friends and conspirators over the last several years have also:

"A Rooster's work is never done," remarked a chicken fiend of the Great and Powerful Rooster.

-         Accused certain neighbours of being homosexuals
      Accused certain neighbours of being racists
      Accused certain neighbours of being anti-Jewish

-         Accused certain neighbours of being pedophiles

-         Accused certain neighbours of being fired from former jobs

-         Accused certain neighbours of running a business from their home

-         Accused certain neighbours of making excessive noise

-         Accused certain neighbours of not caring for their property

-         Accused certain neighbours of stealing from the nation’s capital Clubhouse City.

-         Accused certain neighbours of stealing from certain neighbouring properties

-          Has knocked on certain neighbours windows in the early AM hours and run away 

      Has stolen certain neighbours donations to the library in Clubhouse City

-         Have trespassed repeatedly on certain neighbouring properties
      Has wiped dog faeces on neighbours possessions
-         Have stolen from certain neighbours

-         Have vandalized certain neighbours possessions

-         Have vandalized certain neighbouring properties

-         Have spread malicious lies about certain neighbours

-         Have spread untrue gossip about a certain neighbor

-         Have tapped into the phone lines of certain Fernbrook Resort Freelton neighbours

      Has suggested and solicited help in a violent end for certain neighbours 

-         Have caused power surges (in 2014) in an attempt to damage certain neighbours electronics.

-         Have turned other neighbours and Fernbrook Resort residents against certain undesirable neighbours.
      Is manipulating local management/ownership in trying to get certain neighbours evicted
-         Have generally harassed certain neighbours in every way possible, trying to force them to leave or getting them evicted or kicked out by owners and/or management 
.

-   In fact they have even invited friends to drop by and denigrate the undesirable neighbour.

-       
A  Another time he had some friends drop by outside the neighbours home and start swearing and screaming homosexual slurs during the evening. When children were present and could and did hear.

These are the kind of activities that the Great and Powerful Rooster engages in – without ever being questioned or reprimanded or even facing a harsh word.  

   

"Screw you Neil Diamond!"

Said the Great and Powerful Rooster: “I have been harassing the neighbours for years, with the full knowledge of the owners of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, with the knowledge and occasional co operation of some of the past employees of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, with the knowledge and co operation of many of the good neighbours of Fernbrook Resort Freelton and sometimes I have even invited family and friends to come on down for the weekend and help in the harassment. But does any one ever write a song about me? No. No one. And then some new harasser comes along and after a couple of months a beautiful hit song is written about them. You just made my faeces list Neil Diamond.”

When Neil Diamond was reached and asked for comment all Mr. Diamond had to say was: “This jerk sounds like one half of a pair of horrible boobs.”