The Great & Powerful Rooster Identifies Fernbrook Resort Freelton Thieves

The Great & Powerful Rooster Identifies Fernbrook Resort Freelton Thieves

"This wasn't supposed to happen," said a surprised Rooster.

The never-ending saga of earth’s stupidest nation (where the IQ points fell even further this week) got just a bit dumber with the revelation and identification of the nation’s longstanding thief.  

As a result it looks like the Fernbrook Resort Freelton crime wave is at an end. Thanks to the Great and Powerful Rooster. The culprits have been identified. And now it’s just a matter of formalities before they’re on their way out.

The culprit of course is that stupid jerk. You know the one that always gets mentioned here, that gross and stinky Neighbour Undesirable.

Yeah, all along it’s been that sneaky family that loaned the Fernbrook Resort Freelton Library hundreds and hundreds of books. Hundred of DVD’s. VHS tapes. CD’s and computer games. Board games. Toys. Stuffed animals. Also, three quarters of the bookshelves in the library are on loan from Neighbour Undesirable. And plants too. And a painting of a ship. And… and… and what a great cover!

What a great scam is what it really was. 

Rooster has been crowing that Neighbour Undesirable is the thief. 

Now the entire nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton is watching Neighbour Undesirable and family. Just waiting for that one last vital piece of evidence before kicking the family out for good. And that evidence? To catch them stealing. Because no one has ever actually seen them steal a thing. But everyone in Fernbrook Resort Freelton already knows who the thieves are. Rooster said so. And Rooster’s word s law.

So a big thanks to the Great and Powerful Rooster for letting us know. Because it takes a thief to catch a thief. And the Great and Powerful Rooster knows that better than anyone. Because Rooster has stolen from Fernbrook Resort. What? You didn’t know? And why would He do such a thing?

“Because they’re too good for them,” He said referring to the books he removed. 

This is an exact quote from that Cock. 

A quote that shows exactly what he thinks of those He lives among. That He is smarter than they are. Which no one can disagree with. Or they better not if they know what’s good for them. 

Truly, the Great and Powerful Rooster has even bragged about removing books and selling them. More than once. Finally the manager of that time, who we’ll call “Jean” to hide his identity, told him to quit stealing. To stop it. And two other former employees have also identified the Great and Powerful rooster as stealing from the nation’s Library.

But in earth’s stupidest nation being caught stealing doesn’t make you a thief. 

It makes you Great and Powerful.

But only if you live in earth’s stupidest nation.

"I would never steal a book. Unless it was a book about hamburgers," said Waylon Smyth. "Or a book that kind of looked like a hamburger. Or it if just sorta smell like one... or..."

.Crime Wave Forces Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Reschedule Universal Beauty Pageant

Crime Wave Forces Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Reschedule Universal Beauty Pageant

"Don't blame me, I stick to stealin' hamburgers," says Waylon Smyth when asked about the recent spate of robberies at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

In a move that surprised no one the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Freelton announced that their Universal Beauty Pageant, a competition open to just about every species in the universe, has been pushed back a few days due to the increasing number of thefts that habitually plague the sticky fingered nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.    

Solemnly the Lord Mayor, His Worship Doc Ballard announced, “Due to a series of unforeseen thefts Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Universal Beauty Pageant has been moved from February 30^th to February 32^nd.”

Last seen on Kijiji and then southbound on Highway 6

When asked exactly what was meant by the term ‘unforeseen thefts’ the Lord Mayor replied sadly, “I plan all the thefts in Fernbrook Resort Freelton… or else I arrange the thefts and receive a cut of the take. However, lately, things have been disappearing and I haven’t been receiving even one plugged nickel. What is this world coming to when you have to question other people’s dishonesty? Is there not one person that we can’t not mistrust?” he asked with fake tears glistening in his eyes.   

Asked what was missing that he hadn’t been compensated for the Lord Mayor answered, “Expensive scientific devices are missing. Specifically our nation’s lone snow blower is gone. Without a snow blower how can we remove fallen snow and showcase our many potholes to adoring tourists and science researchers?”

A saddened Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort

His Worship also alleged that a very rare ladder was also missing. “This was made of real Argentinian aluminum and had rungs for both ascending AND descending. You don’t see those every day. But now we can’t put up decorations for the competition until we can find another ladder. And ladders don’t fall off trucks. You actually have to go find a ladder truck and then carefully remove it for permanent borrowing in the dead of night. That takes time.”

Then there’s the cash shortfall. “I was planning on robbing the office safe,” moaned Doc Ballard, “but someone beat me to it. Now how on earth are we going to purchase the six additional lawn chairs needed for the Justin Trudeau Memorial Auditorium where the pageant is being held?”

"But I ain't even dead yet," said Justin Trudeau upon learning of the auditorium named in his honour.

The Lord Mayor then made an urgent plea for the nations of the world to unite and to send Fernbrook Resort Freelton, “at their own expense,” any spare chairs, benches or lightly used couches. “BUT NO C.O.D.’s please,” growled the Lord Mayor, “Oh… And don’t be sending us no stools either… because whatever you think of us we’re not the kind of nation that sits on our stool. We’re stool tossers. And we have more than enough stool to toss at the moment.”

Questioned about the odd date for the pageant His Worship barked loudly, “That’s it no more questions,” then began loudly screaming that, “the Flamborough Review, the Millgrove Christian Science Monitor and Wendy Mesley were all banned from future press conferences,” before jumping off the podium to investigate a shrew that had momentarily poked it’s head above the semi-frozen surface of the earth.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Unveils Universe’s Universal Beauty Pageant Front Runners List

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Unveils Universe’s Universal Beauty Pageant Front Runners List

Fernbrook Resort's famed Justin Trudeau Memorial Auditorium.

 

Several weeks ago the tiny alien ruled nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton announced its intention to hold a Universal Beauty Pageant – a pageant open to all specie. Except for cats. And incontinent badgers… fichus plants… lawyers… and of course politicians.

An obviously befuddled Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort

When we spoke to His Eminence and His Worship, Doc Ballard, the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, Earl of Purina and three time world body surfing champion He had this to say when reading from a semi-prepared statement:

“Listen, for the last time, I AM NOT AN ALIEN. I don’t know who started that stupid rumour… But I was born in Mexico. MEX-I-CO. I just lost my papers is all. Once I get them then that should shut those stupid birthers up… oh, yeah, and that pageant deal… If stupid cats and badgers and whatever want to enter sure, go right ahead, but we all know that they’re not going to win. I was just trying to save them from being embarrassed is all. Stupid law cats and their stupid law suits. Who the heck ever saw a cat wearing clothing anyway?” His Worship rambled, “And I’m not addicted to catnip… that’s a vicious lie… I barely touch the stuff… vicious vicious lie…”

One of His Worship’s aides began jingling a leash and uttered the phrase, “Walkies… walkies…” and the Lord Mayor quickly turned and bounded off the platform. Gobbling down a soothing milk bone™ while being leashed.

While His Worship was distracted Pageant Host Wink Martindale stepped forward and, after dispelling rumours of his recent demise, released pictures and the hopes and dreams of the leading entrants if chosen the most beautiful.

Carleen Caregiver prepares a shot for a patient

If crowned as winner Carleen Caregiver promises, “to work towards a world where there is free medical care for all... not just humans, domesticated mammals and selected ass kissing flora.”

Tilly Tarmac singing an anti-environment folk song.

Tilly Tarmac would like to, “pave over all the worlds lakes and oceans in order that more shopping malls could be built so today’s youth can have a place to skateboard or just hang.”

Samuel Succulent out standing in his field.

Samuel Succulent intends to “make the world a happier more joyous place by becoming a stand up comic because ‘I like to needle people.’”

Donald Trump, President of the Flat Earth Society

 
Donald Trump says if elected most beautiful, “I would put a fence all around the edges of the earth so that people would stop falling off all the time. Because that’s what happened to Jimmy Hoffa… and Ambrose Bierce and and Sweden last Friday… and…”

Felecia Fahrenheit working hard to overturn the laws of nature.

Felecia Fahrenheit said she would like to, “lower the boiling point of water so that the boiling of water is more economical for the homeless.”

Angry rock leaves no stone unturned.

A large unnamed rock ranted quietly. “      .      .              .   ?     !!                !               .                  $%^%#?^.          .                 .        #^**#(&^!!                                           !!!”

Sue Ellen Einstein thinks she may have solved the world's educational problems.

Sue-Ellen Einstein, “I would like to make higherer education more easily attainable by building more schools that are more taller.”    

Terrance Togwearer showing off his relaxed fashion sense.

Terrance Togwearer said he would like to, “nationalize designer clothing labels to make high end clothing more affordable for the disadvantaged so that everyone can dress just as fabulous as he does.”

Stella Smallbusinessowner wants to work on the tax code.

Stella Smallbusinessowner wants to simplify the tax code and make it more understandable stating as an example, “that for a business to qualify for the small business tax rate, instead of using math, lets make a rule that no employee should exceed 4 feet 11 inches in height.”



 

Eugenia Eugenics is pushing for equality between the sexes.

Eugenia Eugenics stated that if she is named the winner of the pageant: “Many parts of the world ban women from getting abortions. I think men should not be allowed to have abortions either!”  

Martin  Lispin-Mapletree wants people to be more positive.

‘I would teach people to be more optimistic and to beleaf in themselves,” said Martin  Lispin-Mapletree.

Name and picture unavailable.

Name and picture unavailable at press time. “Screw you Millgrove! We’re coming for you!” the contestant barked repeatedly.

Lucy Lawless claims to be a lineal descendant 

of Xena: Warrior Princess.

Lucy Lawless absolutely guarantees to reduce crime rates by abolishing all laws, “Because with no laws nothing would be illegal.”

Sidney Slashandburn prepares a knockout punch for the environment

Sidney Slashandburn screamed, “that the environment is too expensive and takes up way too much space,” so she plans, “to get rid if it. ALL of it.”

Henrietta Himmler out sitting in her field.

Pot activist Henrietta Himmler simply promised, “a chicken for every pot, free pot for every chicken and a pothole in every driveway and on every street corner.”






 These are just some of the candidates for Fernbrook Resort Freelton's First Universal Beauty Pageant. Remember to stay tuned for the live event on February 30th at 9:30 PM.