Ghostly Phone Calls of Unknown Origin Rattle Fernbrook Resort Residents

Ghostly Phone Calls of Unknown Origin Rattle Fernbrook Resort Residents

Are the ghosts of chickens past infesting Fernbrook Resort Freelton's lines of communication?

“The calls are eerie,” said Nelly Nervousbladder, “I pick up the phone, I say hello, but no one replies. Again and again this happens.”

Never purchase offbrand adult diapers!

“Three times a week my phone rings in the early morning hours, two or three rings, then just stops,” said Arvin Awakenedearly.   

“No person would do this,” said a shaken Shelby Soiledpants, “it has to be a ghost. A G… G… G… GHOST!” he said as he emptied his bladder into his adult strength diapers.

In fact the problem has gotten so severe of late that Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents pooled their money and called Ghostbusters.

Unfortunately for them the Ghostbusters never returned their call. That’s because Ghostbusters is actually a team of fictional characters. And not a trio of real live specter fighting superheroes as Fernbrook Resort residents had been led to believe by the movie of the same name.

Wait a sec... I thought Ghostbusters weren't real?

So, with no where else to turn, they called the matron of telephone lines one Ma Bell.

“I think you have an infestation of chickens,” Ma Bell said when asked about the causative factor behind of the calls.”

“Ghost chickens?” asked Elizabeth Einstein nervously.

“Yeah, that‘s right,” agreed Ma Bell sarcastically, “the ghosts of chickens past are haunting Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s phone lines and phoning people at 3:15 in the afternoon and hanging up. And calling in the early AM hours. No Einstein, its chickens.”

Fernbrook Resort most intellectually respected couple - the Einsteins.

“But chickens don’t have an opposable thumb. Or an index finger. So there’s no way that a chicken could even hold a phone… let alone dial a phone.” Said Elsinore Einstein, Elizabeth’s brother and husband. “So you’re wrong there.”

“Listen you bunch of Einsteins,” shouted Ma Bell, “It’s people. People are calling and hanging up. Not real chickens.”

“But you just said it was chickens,” said a confused Illana Illogical.

“Oh, for the love of all that is good and holy.” Screamed an exasperated Ma Bell, “Its people. Scared little people who act with the brains and courage of a chicken. When a person acts like a chicken than you refer to them as chickens. Though in this case I think I’m insulting chickens by saying Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents are as smart… or as brave… as a chicken. So maybe it is people. Real live people.  NOT GHOSTS!”

A ghost chicken pecking around for a quarter to make a call?

“Ouch,” said Illana Illogical as she scratched her head. “I better take some medicine. People aren’t supposed to use logic around me. My doctor said so. That’s what makes my head hurt.”

“Logic gives me a rash,” chimed in Ralph Redskin. “My doctor gave me a placebo and soon I’ll be all better. Hey, after we take our medicine do you want to go play in traffic?”

“But when you called us Einsteins I thought that meant that we were right. Because Einstein was smart. Probably as smart as us even. He invented gravity. And the fig newton,” said Illana Illogical.

 

“It was Isaac Newton that invented the Fig Newton,” said Ralph Redskin, “not Albert Einstein.”

‘‘Ouch,” said Illana Illogical as she began scratching her head again. “I think I need more medicine.”

A noticeably perturbed Ma Bell puts a call block on Fernbrook Resort Freelton.  

The Great and Powerful Rooster Declares Early Start to Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Faeces Flinging Season

The Great and Powerful Rooster Declares Early Start to Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Faeces Flinging Season

The Great and Powerful Rooster makes a surprising announcement among several other specious claims.

In a surprise announcement to a gaggle of reporters last week Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Great and Powerful Rooster promised an early start to the nation’s renowned Faeces Flinging season.

“My flock has been complaining that it is much too cold to fling faeces… and that the roads are too slippery and dangerously ice covered,” said the Great and Powerful Rooster, “So, in order to placate them, and so ensure that they continue to massage both my posterior and my nether regions with their lips, I have decided to end winter early this year. As of Sunday March 119^th at 123:89PM Fernbrook Resort Standard Scientology Time I am ending winter. Solely so that my many followers and admirers can once again engage in the activity that they enjoy the mostest, the tossing and/or deposit of animal faeces onto the properties of those neighbours that I have hitherto deemed to be undesirable.”

“Hold on a sec,” asked a reporter from the Waterdown Daily Eavesdropper, “you control the weather?”

Is this what makes Rooster so Great and Powerful? 

“Yes I control the weather,” confirmed His Great and Powerful Roosterness, “I control everything about Fernbrook Resort Freelton. I can do and say whatever I want and My Will is done. If I tell my flock a lie then that lie is the truth. And all truth becomes lies. If I steal something then nothing has been stolen. Unless nothing is stolen from me. The something has been stolen. And if I tell my chickens what to think, where their dogs may defecate, who is acceptable and what sort of neighbour is undesirable. I am beyond question. Now bow to me and I will allow you to place your lips upon my gluteus maximus.”

A sassy reporter sauces the Great and Powerful Rooster

“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” answered the reporter while making a disgusted face.

“Comply varlet… or you will be labeled as an Undesirable Neighbour,” crowed Rooster confidently.

“To tell the truth I don’t actually live in Fernbrook Resort Freelton,” responded the reporter.

“Then you are not ever permitted to live here.”

“Thank you. Because I don’t especially want live in an unhygienic nation – ”

“Shut up!”

“…of lily livered…”

“Shut up!!”

“…faeces flingers.”

“Shut up!!!” 

“Hey,” enquired another reporter, this one from the Puslinch Plain Dealer, “Didn’t I read something about you promising to hold your breath… ”

“Okay, that’s it, this meeting is over,” squawked Rooster

 “…until a stupid song was written about you?”

“Shut up shut up shut up”

“But –”

“mAnd mI mhave mbeen mholding mmmy mmbreath,” His Roosterlyness said through a suddenly clenched beak and bulging cheeks, “mto muntrained meyes mit mjust mlooked mlike mI mwas mbreatheing. mBut mI mwasn’t,” He gasped.

Is this large mound of faeces in Rooster's plans?

So what exactly does the Great and Powerful Rooster and his forces of chicken have planned for those Neighbours deemed to be Undesirable?

Stay tuned.

Housing Prices, Home Sales Plummet in Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Housing Prices, Home Sales Plummet in Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Fed up Fernbrook Resort Citizens demand action against those who would write factually about Fernbrook Resort. "We'll decide what the truth is!" they chanted.

Increasingly Fernbrook Resort Freelton natives have been voicing there concerns over stagnant home prices and plummeting home sales. A peculiar trend considering the robust state of the housing market in other nations. So peculiar in fact that a meeting was held to discuss why they thought their market was so frigid.

“I think it’s because someone has been badmouthing Fernbrook Resort,” said Harold Homeseller quite authoritatively.   

“Badmouthing? Howso?”

Home Prices, Sales Graph 2010-2016 Year over Year

“Someone, one of our more undesirable neighbours in fact, has been complaining that we vandalize and steal and harass and bully and toss dog faeces and..”

“Well have you?”

“Well…Yeah… we have,” agreed Vernon Propertyvendor, “but we don’t want people talking about it.”

“Because that’s just mean,” agreed Homeseller. “And it’s embarrassing. Having people read about us doing that. No wonder I can’t sell my home.”

“Maybe you could stop stealing and bullying. And clean up after your pets. And – ”

A vocal Vernon Propertyvendor

“But what about our rights?” interrupted an angry Pauleena Petowner, “Why should we have to clean up after our pets? I’m very busy. I have to watch my game shows then get something to eat before I take my little Poo-Poo for his walkies.” 

“And if my neighbour has something I want why can’t I just take it?” questioned Lawrence Lightfingers. “We have rights too! Yet this is a situation where the rights of the many are being infringed upon by one undesirable neighbour who has dog faeces issues. Or is anti theft. Or, or…”

“But if you didn’t steal, bully, gossip, vandalize etc. etc. then there would be nothing bad to talk about. And home prices would rise and homes would sell.”

Ilana Illogical: "My doctor fixeded my brain."

“Ouch,” said Ilana Illogical as she rubbed her head, “I think you just hurt my brain.”    

“Hurt your brain?”

“Yeah. My doctor said that people aren’t supposed to use logic around me.”

“So that’s why my head hurts,” several other Fernbrook Resort Freelton residents chimed in simultaneously.”

“Can I get the name of your Doctor?” asked another, “Because I have this rash... and I think it might be caused by logic.”

“You know what I think?” said Nancy Noncomposmentis, “I think people who complain about events that are really happening are just plain crazy.”

“Hey,” asked Norman Mowernabber of Victor Victim, “Did you ever find that lawnmower of yours that went missing?”

Why won't this beautiful home sell?

“Naw,” replied Victim, “I complained to everyone and anyone who would listen but no one saw a thing.”

“Hey, Nancy, what would you do if someone’s pets were crapping on your lawn every day?” someone shouted out.

“I’d complain”

“That’s not crazy?”

“I don’t think you understand,” replied Nancy as many nodded in agreement, “It’s only crazy to complain when the complainant is an undesirable neighbour. When you like the  neighbour than whatever they say is valid. So by questioning a complainer’s sanity then it puts the focus on the individual and not the crime. That way we can continue to toss faeces, steal, gossip, bully etc. without fear of reprisal. Because no one will believe its happening.”

“But what if someone had a camera? Or a parabolic microphone? Or…”

Questionable Home Selling techniques may be part of the problem

“Ouch,” said Nancy as she rubbed her head.

“Say, I have an idea,” said Harold Homeseller, “why don’t we pass a rule that no one is allowed to write about Fernbrook Resort Freelton on the internet? Then no one would know about the dog faeces tossers, the bullying and the thefts and… well then we could sell our homes and let the buyers worry about all the crime?”

Mr. Maleturkey gets down to business.

“The Great and Powerful Rooster already asked management to do that. In 2014. They said, ‘No’” Mr. Maleturkey gobbled.

Though the answer was right in front of the assembled, they refused to see it. 

On doctor’s orders. 

So it wasn’t their fault. 

And home prices continued to falter.

And home sales continued to decline.

Fernbrook Resort Freeltons Selects Cowardly Lion From Wizard of Oz as National Spokesperson

Fernbrook Resort Freeltons Selects Cowardly Lion From Wizard of Oz as National Spokesperson

  

"Why did they have to pick me? Why couldn't they have picked someone else?

If you’re a frequent visitor to the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort Freelton there can be no doubt then that you are quite familiar with the many incidents of theft, vandalism, bullying, harassment faeces flinging and so forth that are increasingly frequent occurrences in this once law-abiding nation. 

Incidents which are of concern to some individuals in Fernbrook Resort.

And a concern of one individual in particular.

Though it’s not the awful incidents themselves that concern this one individual. They are quite pleased with them. Their many crimes. And their selves in fact. No. What concerns this one individual is that someone has been writing of the incidents. Keeping a public record. On the internet. And this record has so concerned the one individual that, in 2014, they approached the management of Fernbrook Resort Freelton and wanted a new rule instituted. 

And that rule?   

People are not allowed to write about the Grand Nation of Fernbrook Resort.

Seriously. That was their request. I’m not joking.

Of course management replied: “No.” Which infuriated that one individual. 

So what did that one individual do next?

They contacted Google (more than once), the repository where the previously mentioned record was being recorded. Asking Google to remove the record from the internet. “Why?” Google asked. Because they claimed that they were being unfairly maligned. Slander and so forth. Google responded by asking the simple question, “Is your name *******? Or is any one at Fernbrook Resort named *******?” Of course there isn’t. And so Google declined to take any action.

Which left legal action as the next recourse.

So the one individual dragged their significant other to a lawyer. On more than one occasion they’ve done this. Again, claiming slander and harassment and so forth. And, after listening to their tale of woe their counsel asked, “Why do you think this is about you?” Whereby the one individual replied, “I don’t think it’s about me its everyone else thinks it’s about me.”

Some pretty specious reasoning there. 

And the lawyer said, well, unless your name is *******… or ******* is your nickname… than it’s not slander. 

The lawyer also asked how they had determined the identity of the author. Of course the one individual had no proof other than that to say they knew it was an undesirable neighbour writing this and that everyone knows it’s them that’s doing it. The lawyer said unless this neighbour of undesirability had admitted to it, they had no proof of authorship. 

On another visit the one individual told the lawyer that good name of Fernbrook was being dragged through the mud (because we all know that there are no potholes, crime etc. in Fernbrook). But the lawyer said it was part of fair use. Nothing could be done. 

When the one individual was in the lawyer’s office he heard staff reading something from the internet about Fernbrook Resort’ and laughing loudly. Which made him unhappy. And more determined than ever to get rid of the Undesirable Neighbour. 

So, this one individual came up with a plan to reveal the identity of the author. And that is how this tale: The Most Horrible Pair of Boobs in Fernbrook Resort Freelton?(http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/06/the-most-horrible-pair-of-boobs-in.html) came about. Immediately after its publishing the one individual rushed to their lawyer and said, “Aha, we were slandered again… AND I have proof of identity!” after explain what they had done and a quick review of the post, the lawyer replied that this was not proof of anything. Then the lawyer got upset, defended Neighbour Undesirable and said, “listen, every time you do something the neighbour writes about it and then you run down here crying about them. If you left the neighbour alone the neighbour wouldn’t have anything to write about.”

Needless to say that didn’t go over well with the one individual.

So the next move was to get the neighbours roused and petition to get Neighbour Undesirable removed because they were, ummm, well, undesirable.

And the one individual did get some support. In fact one his puppets, a good ole boy, went over and asked neighbour Common Sense to help get Neighbour Undesirable evicted. Common Sense replied, “I don't mind them. Why don’t you guys just leave them alone?” And the one individual’s puppet, his mickey mouse attempt ruined, walked away in tears.

(You know what I think? I think if this mickey mouse puppet was offended by Neighbour Undesirable than they should confront them and say, “Hey, would you stop doing that offensive thing? It offends me and my significant other.” Or they could just walk over and beat the crap out of Neighbour Undesirable (who is a wimp and a pussy by the way). Anything other, such as backstabbing, shows this mickey mouse individual to be a gutless coward.)   

This one individual has also approached on-site management (and asked their puppets to do the same) to say that Fernbrook is being slandered. Trying to manipulate the manager to do something. To no avail so far. The one individual claimed that Neighbour Undesirable was tossing dog faeces into the pavilion. Allegedly the manager replied, “well, if you’d clean up after your dog they’re be no faeces for them to toss – would there?” Which made the one individual run off in tears. 

With these plans shattered the one individual decided to conduct a new multi-pronged campaign. Part of the plan was the significant other cosying up and playing friendly to other neighbours so that they could be easily manipulated. This worked with one appauling recruit in particular. Being of questionable intelligence I don’t blame the appauling recruit. In fact the appauling recruit is so appauling that he has loudly threatened to, “kick Neighbour Undesirable’s ass.” On more than one occasion he has been heard to publicly exclaim this. But the appauling puppet has never followed through on the threat. I can only guess that he’s a coward. Otherwise he would have kicked that pussy wimp Neighbour Undesirable’s ass. Or maybe he’s just not smart enough to find the ass part of the human anatomy in order that it may be suitably kicked. Probably both.   

And of course there are the theft allegations against Neighbour Undesirable. No one has actually seen the undesirable steal anything but they have been convicted and found guilty. With no evidence ever presented. And now every eye is on the land waiting to catch the thief and get them tossed. Conversely, an admitted thief is the originating and first accuser of Neighbour Undesirable. If I had proof a person was stealing than I would confront them and ask them to stop.

Unfortnately, at Fernbrook Resort, the only proof you’ll find is on the label of a half empty liquor bottle.