The Great and Powerful Rooster Declares
Early Start to Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Faeces Flinging Season
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| The Great and Powerful Rooster makes a surprising announcement among several other specious claims. |
In a surprise announcement to a gaggle
of reporters last week Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Great and Powerful Rooster promised
an early start to the nation’s renowned Faeces Flinging season.
“My flock has been complaining that it
is much too cold to fling faeces… and that the roads are too slippery and dangerously
ice covered,” said the Great and Powerful Rooster, “So, in order to placate
them, and so ensure that they continue to massage both my posterior and my nether
regions with their lips, I have decided to end winter early this year. As of Sunday
March 119th at 123:89PM Fernbrook Resort Standard Scientology Time I
am ending winter. Solely so that my many followers and admirers can once again
engage in the activity that they enjoy the mostest, the tossing and/or deposit
of animal faeces onto the properties of those neighbours that I have hitherto deemed
to be undesirable.”
“Hold on a sec,” asked a reporter from
the Waterdown Daily Eavesdropper, “you control the weather?”
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| Is this what makes Rooster so Great and Powerful? |
“Yes I control the weather,” confirmed His
Great and Powerful Roosterness, “I control everything about Fernbrook Resort
Freelton. I can do and say whatever I want and My Will is done. If I tell my
flock a lie then that lie is the truth. And all truth becomes lies. If I steal
something then nothing has been stolen. Unless nothing is stolen from me. The
something has been stolen. And if I tell my chickens what to think, where their
dogs may defecate, who is acceptable and what sort of neighbour is undesirable.
I am beyond question. Now bow to me and I will allow you to place your lips
upon my gluteus maximus.”
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| A sassy reporter sauces the Great and Powerful Rooster |
“I don’t think that’s going to happen,”
answered the reporter while making a disgusted face.
“Comply varlet… or you will be labeled as
an Undesirable Neighbour,” crowed Rooster confidently.
“To tell the truth I don’t actually live
in Fernbrook Resort Freelton,” responded the reporter.
“Then you are not ever permitted to live
here.”
“Thank you. Because I don’t especially want
live in an unhygienic nation – ”
“Shut up!”
“…of lily livered…”
“Shut up!!”
“…faeces flingers.”
“Shut up!!!”
“Hey,” enquired another reporter, this
one from the Puslinch Plain Dealer, “Didn’t I read something about you promising
to hold your breath… ”
“Okay, that’s it, this meeting is over,”
squawked Rooster
“…until
a stupid song was written about you?”
“Shut up shut up shut up”
“But –”
“mAnd mI mhave mbeen mholding mmmy mmbreath,”
His Roosterlyness said through a suddenly clenched beak and bulging cheeks, “mto
muntrained meyes mit mjust mlooked mlike mI mwas mbreatheing. mBut mI mwasn’t,”
He gasped.
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| Is this large mound of faeces in Rooster's plans? |
So what exactly does the Great and Powerful
Rooster and his forces of chicken have planned for those Neighbours deemed to
be Undesirable?
Stay tuned.
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