Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder Afflicts Dog Population of Fernbrook Resort Freelton
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| The horribly embarassing result of Canine Obsessive Compulsve Feces Disorder |
One of the neighbors at Fernbrook Resort Freelton has a problem.
The problem?
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| The Neighbours: their identies are being hidden in order that their lawn and shoes be protected |
Well, for several mornings of late, around their vehicle, they have been finding dog feces scattered quite liberally near to the driver’s door. At first they thought it was just happenstance. But day after day, after cleaning it up, the next morning there was a new delivery. So it hardly seems coincidence.
When my neighbors mentioned the problem to me I suggested that they speak with His Royal Worship the Earl of Purina and the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort the Venerable Doc Ballard. Which they thought to be a splendid suggestion.
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| Will the contents of this jar cure Canine OCD? Come back next week for the exciting answer! ' |
And of course His Worship was quite sympathetic to the plight, "though there is absolutley nothing that can be done about it at this moment," he grinned malevolently," for the problem you describe is better known as Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder. And it is quite serious. A dog does not want to scatter fresh feces around the driver's door of your vehicle but it feels compelled to do so. To cause you maximm discomfort. It's just the way their brains are hardwired. It's a mental condition. But a mental condition that famous physicians like Dr. Kildare and Dr. Pepper are working hard to fix."
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| Dr. Patty Pepper: "Is that putz Dr. Kildare giving patients 7-UP? That'll kill them!" |
"Working hard to fix," my neighbors enquired thoughtfully, "Is there anything that we can do to help? Because the problem of frequent canine bowel discharges around your vehicle and then stepping inside that same vehicle and getting crap all over your pedals and floor mats really stinks."
"Ha ha ha ha," barked Doc Ballard with real glee sounding in his voice, "Yes, it does stink. Fortunately for you you can always wash you car. But some unlucky canines are forced to wake up to this problem every day. That's seven times a day to you human meatsacks with your 24 hour days. But we are working on a cure. However that cure requires regular cash injections. So long as the cash is in small unmarked bills placed in an envelope behind the furnace on the first floor."
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| "Give generously or else you better watch where you step!" |
"What? Do I have a stutter?" barked the Lord Mayor with a grin, "Yes I need money. Charity starts at home. And since my home is Fernbrook Resort Freelton so I'm starting a charity to combat canine OCD. And what better way to combat this disease then with a big screen television, designer dog collars... or a trip to the Canis Islands. So make sure you give generously. Or else you better watch where you step. And don't be wasting my time sending cheques either. Just cash. Small unmarked bills. Twenties and fifities only. Anything smaller means you just don't care. And anything larger might bring attention from the feds. And that's the last thing we want around here. The Feds."
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| "Give me your valuables and you won't get hurt!" |
"Hey, Einstein, if you're only donating to charity to get a tax break then how is that being charitable," you human meatsacks always think of yourselves. Bad Humans! Bad! BAD!! You really don't care about dogs... or the unique mental challenges that we face. And I'm going to tell everyone exactly that if you don't empty your purses and wallets onto my desk. And I want your jewelry too. And that watch. Is that a Rolex?"
Of course it was a Rolex. And feeling more than a bit chagrined they complied without protest.
Though they swore to me that when they left they were more than certain that they could hear His Worship humming "We're in the money, We're in the money," under his breath.
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