ISIS Boko Haram Justin Bieber Denounce Continued Turd Terrorism at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

ISIS Boko Haram Justin Bieber Denounce Continued Turd Terrorism at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Fernbrook Resort Freelton:
The Turd Terrorism Capital
of the Western Hemisphere 

Some of the neighbors at Fernbrook Resort Freelton are incredibly concerned with the recent unabated spate of turd terrorism attacks – so concerned that they check the bottoms of their shoes and the tops of their lawns twice every day, when they rise in the morning and once again before they turn in at night.  

Yet even this isn’t enough to deter those super intelligent turd terrorists.

One of those extremely vigilant neighbors woke up on a recent morning to find hardened, blackened and sun-dried logs off dog feces spread over their lawn where there was none that evening. Which is strange when you think about it. I mean how does dog feces harden and blacken in the pale moonlight?

Obviously it was placed there in the dead of night. But not by a member of the family canis lupis familiaris. It was a so called human. A turd terrorist.

As a result the neighbors have formally complained to International Terrorists Local 659-7784 where some of the more respectable terrorists were outraged to learn that people were tossing dog turds around like they were dangerous weapons.

 

The always fashionable Abubakar Shekar
denounces the terrorist activities
carried out at Fernbrook Resort Freelton



Said Abubakar Shekau leader of the Islamic State of Syria and Levant (ISIS), “I am outraged. Those who toss turds are bringing an unwanted stink to the good name of all terrorists!”

“Tossing turds is for nerds,” caterwauled Canada’s top terrorist export and international embarrassment Justin Bieber. Who gained entry into the terrorism fraternity by publicly peeing in mop buckets and exposing his bare buttocks to the pyramids of Mexico.

“Yes,” agreed Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of Boko Haram after giving Bieber the stinkeye, “this situation is an embarrassment to the good name of all terrorists. No real terrorist would toss feces.”

“Don’t toss the feces… of any species,” sang Bieber slightly off key.

Continued al-Baghdadi, “Real terrorists kidnap young woman and carry them off into the jungle, they drive vehicles into crowds of innocent people… or they strap bombs to themselves then walk into crowded churches and peaceful mosques and detonate them. That my friends is what real terrorists do,” he smiled with contentment.

Added Shekau, “we work hard to put the fear of god into people and then some nut walks around chucking dog feces trying to intimidate people. This makes real terrorists look bad. Not only are they cowards,” he said while shaking a threatening finger, “they are ruining our reputation. I should very much like to sue them for smearing our name. With this crap. Literally.”

Justin Bieber ad-libs a song about crap

“Crap… ewww…..  ewwwwwww…. ewwwwwwwww,” trilled Bieber while making a funny face, “lets all sue…”.

“As leader of International Terrorists Local 659-7784 these cowards are being blackballed. Kicked out of our union,” announced al-Baghdadi.

Interrupted Shekau, “but blackball does not mean that we are racist. It is just a figure of speech. Using the word black in a negative connotation does not make us racists. In fact many or our members are black. But no women members. Or chickens. The Koran forbids chickens.”

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announces
the blackballing of Fernbrook
Resort Freelton's turd terrorists.

“Yes… we are an equal opportunity membership,” agreed al-Baghdadi before he continued: “But no more paid holidays for the turd terrorists of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. No more medical coverage in the event of injury. No dental for themselves or their extended families. Nothing.” Finished al-Baghdadi.  

“Hee hee heee,” hummed Justin Bieber, “No more dental… I hope that doesn’t make them go mental…”

International terrorist observer Law Cat had this to say about the announcement made by International Terrorists Local 659-7784.

“I think it’s a great move by ITL 659-7784… now if they could only do something about the terrorist activities and off-key vocal styling of Justin Bieber this would be a perfect world.”

"But when will they do something about Justin bieber?"

Togo Leads Economic Boycott of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Economic Boycott of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Gains International Momentum

The latest international movement is aimed
squarely at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

The pummeling of Fernbrook Resort Freelton continues as a united world turns its wrath on the nation whose questionable behaviours on a number of fronts ranging from social interactions to canine feces terrorism have shocked the world. Since the immature behaviour of Fernbrook Resort citizens has hit world headlines the world has hit back hard at the tiny anti black fly nation. 

And now the hits are getting harder.

The powerful crouton importing nation of Togo was the first country to request that all of its nationals be placed on Fernbrook Resort’s “Do Not Acknowledge List”.

But Togo isn’t stopping there.

Because Togoans find the flinging of feces to be personally insulting. And non-hygienic as well.

A determined Togo president
calls for a boycott of Fernbrook Resort

Said Togo’s President, the Honourable Faure Gnassingbé, “such behaviour is childish and immature. No longer will Togo purchase any croutons or parsley from Fernbrook Resort Freelton. To support this nation economically would be an indirect support of its behaviour. I ask the world to unite behind the mighty nation of Togo and boycott Fernbrook Resort and its salad grade croutons and high quality parsley products.”

And the world is listening.

One of Fernbrook Resort Freelton's
many parsley fields.



Fernbrook Resort Freelton's
crouton mines operate 24 hours
a day non stop.



Within hours of Togo’s announcement several nations including Sao Tome and Principe, Botswana, Sri Lanka, the Territory of Christmas Island and Timor had all indicated their intent to join forces with the influential Togoans.

Said the Shire President of Christmas Island Foo Kee Heng when contacted in the nation’s capital Flying Fish Cove, “if the United States or Russia or France or one of those loser nations had suggested a boycott of Fernbrook Resort we wouldn’t even have considered it. But when the Mighty Togoans speak the world listens. You don’t want to get on the bad side of the Togoans.”



Foo Kee Heng: "You don't want to mess with the Togoans!"



For those who don’t know their history Togo successfully sued Togoland for infringing on the use of the word Togo, which Togo had copyrighted, causing the dissolution of Togoland and scattering its citizens to the four winds. Togo was also awarded $225 in damages which the nation wisely invested and still lives off of to this day.

Will the tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort and its most immature citizens also be scattered to the ends of the earth? Only time will tell.     

Canine Smear Campaign and Lawsuit Concerns Dog Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Canine Smear Campaign and Lawsuit Concerns Dog Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Fernbrook Resort Freelton's latest invention
'Poop-on-a-fence!"

We stopped and had a chat with some of the neighbors the other day, it’d been a while since we seen them, and they had another story of woe for us. And once again that story concerned feces of the canine variety.

They found some on their property divider. And not smeared on but an actual intact deposit neatly balanced on their fence.

“That is one acrobatic mutt,” I said aloud. “Able to balance themselves on a fence while neatly evacuating their bowels.”

And they replied that they were shocked that a dog would do such a thing. But being aware of Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder they were vey understanding and not upset in the least about this terrible affliction that affects some dogs..

But someone else was upset.

As we were talking a neighborhood pooch had moseyed on over, the famous Anderson Pooper, and upon the mention of Canine OCD he went one step short of rabid.

“Hey you stupid meatsacks,” (as dogs are wont to refer to humans) Pooper barked at us, “there is no such thing as Canine OCD. It’s a totally made up disease. Firstly, dogs don’t relieve themselves on the tops of fences. No large animal does. Furthermore no higher order animal relieves themselves in the same place. Only stupid human meatsacks do that. Smarter animals, of which you are not, always choose a new location. Prey poop alerts predators to a potential meal in the vicinity and predator poop scares away prey. Therefore we always choose new locations to drop a deposit. And that location is always discrete. Never someplace stupid like the top of a fence. Some human meatsack probably put it there because you meatsacks are of a lower order intellectually and so you do stupid things that even mental health professionals are unable to explain.”

But our neighbors didn’t seem convinced.

“We’re not convinced,” the neighbors said politely to Anderson Pooper. “Perhaps you’re just too embarrassed to admit to this horrible affliction.”

A distraught Anderson Pooper
wonders if those stupid human
meatsacks will ever grow up?

“Holy crap!” Anderson Pooper snarled angrily, “Bad humans! BAD! There is no such disease and a canine would never crap on the top of a fence even if there was such a disease.”  

Law Cat: "I also represent dogs!"

“That’s okay, you’re still a good doggy. Want a biscuit? Does doggy want a biscuit?”

“That’s it, I’ve had enough and I’m getting a lawyer. This smear campaign sullies the good name of all canines the world over and we’re not putting up with it any longer,” Pooper growled. ‘Bad Humans. Bad. Bad! BAd!! BAD!!!”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder Declared to be a Load of Crap

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder Declared to be a Load of Crap

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Dr. Feelgood School of Medical Research, Diagnostics and Lip-synching recently confirmed a canine disorder that they have coined ‘Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder’. The ‘disorder’ supposedly makes a dog drop a steaming load of feces in front of the driver’s door of a vehicle under the cover of darkness every evening.

"Canine OCD is a load of
crap," announced
Sir Yaps-a-lot.

But the canine crowd of Fernbrook Resort is protesting the legitimacy of such a diagnosis.

“There is no such thing as Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder,” announced the distinguished Sir Yaps-a-lot, “it’s a completely made up disability.”

But who would do such a thing? And why?

"Bad humans! Bad" barked
Bilbo Fleabaggins.

Replied Bilbo Fleabaggins, “those meatsacks that lock us up for twenty-three hours and thirty minutes every day. That’s like seven days to us. Bad humans. Bad,” he growled.

But that doesn’t explain why.



JK Growling growled:
"Bad humans! Bad!"



“Because ninety-three percent of those stupid meatsacks are cowards. In fact so cowardly are they that instead of growling or biting those who offend them… like a proper mammal… they toss feces in the dead of night and run away like some stupid gallus domesticus. But they’re too cowardly to toss their own feces. So they toss ours. So that they can claim plausible deniability in a court of law if they get caught,” snarled JK Growling. “Bad humans. Bad.”

"Grow up humans!" yelped
Pickles McPorkchop.

Is there any cure for such adolescent and immature behaviour?

“Yeah,” yowled Pickles McPorkchop, “they could become mature adults and grow up. Like that’s ever going to happen, “he added sarcastically. “But until then they’ll always be Bad humans. Bad. Bad.”

But would maturing stop them those stupid meatsacks from being chicken hearted cowards?

"Seriously... do I dress like a mutt?"
asked Jabba the Mutt

“No it wouldn’t,” replied Jabba the Mutt, “once a coward always a coward. And if you’re only brave under the cover of darkness or when someone’s back is turned you’ll always be a coward. No matter how loud you bark. Or talk I mean. Stupid meatsacks and their gibberish sounds. Why can’t they bark or moo or something like higher intelligence mammals. Bad humans. Bad. Bad. Bad.”

In a candid moment, Anderson
Pooper is caught lamenting his name.

“But if they did act like mature adults perhaps they would give us normal names like Leslie or Dale or Denise or Alice or… or… well anything’s better than Anderson Pooper,” remarked Anderson Pooper sadly.

“Speak for yourself,” responded Ma Barker.

“You know what I mean.”

Ma Barker: "Not only did my humans
give me a stupud name, they also
dress me funny!" 

“Yeah,” replied Barker.

“They give us stupid names, do stupid things, run around acting like a bunch of stupid cowardly chickens and they have the temerity to consider themselves our masters! Bad humans! Bad! Bad! Bad!”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Hits Number One on United Nations Newly Created Pomposity, Arrogance Indices

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Hits Number One on United Nations Newly Created Pomposity, Arrogance Indices

The United Nation's Oh Joon
discusses Fernbrook Resort with the Press.

In an effort to show the world that some of its citizens were not being shunned, ignored or otherwise unacknowledged by the cultural and moral elite simply for not being like them, the holier than thou nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton invited the United Nations Economic and Social President Oh Joon to revisit the land.

And Oh Joon graciously accepted the offer.

An invitation which he now regrets accepting.



A pothole snarls traffic on one of
Fernbrook Resort Freelton's
major arteries.



“Almost immediately upon disembarking from a six hour donkey ride to the transit impaired nation I was pointed towards an individual and encouraged to speak with them,” recounted Oh Joon, “which I did. And I had an enlightening and lively discussion on the economic implications of a Brexit on the European Union. And all seemed well. This nation has reformed its ill ways… and very quickly I thought.”

But all was not as it seemed.

“As well I had some conversations with the assumed ‘cultural and moral elite’,” Joon candidly confirmed using air quotes to belittle the so-called betters. “They didn’t know what Brexit was. Or the European Union. And for that matter they had never even heard of Europe. Quite honestly I suspect they still believe the earth to be flat. Anyway… when they were walking away one turned to the other and I distinctly heard her say quietly and under her breath, ‘Do you think he bought it?’”

Bought it meaning do you think we fooled him? That we’re no longer thumbing our noses at the low lifes we let into our superior nation and neighborhoods. And that we’re treating these losers as equals.

Oh Joon presides over a vote
at the United Nations

“Well,” said Oh Joon, “they did have me fooled and I did buy it. Until she asked ‘Do you think he bought it?” just seconds after departing and less than six feet away. So I didn’t have a choice. I returned immediately to the United Nations and called the General Assembly together for a discussion.

The result of that meeting was the creation of two knew indices. The Arrogance Index which measures how arrogant a nation’s citizens are and the Pomposity Index which measures the pretentiousness of a nation’s inhabitants.

Naturally a vote was held and Fernbrook Resort Freelton won each of the new categories hands down. Gaining the title of the world’s most arrogant nation and the world’s most pretentious nation to go along with their title of earth’s most immature nation. No other nation received even one vote. Or even a mention. 

Fernbrook Resort's Doc Ballard:
"Quit judging us world!"

Doc Ballard, Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Lord Mayor had this to say about his thrice disgraced nation, “If the world would just stop judging us by our actions and believe what we say without question then I have no doubt that the world would believe exactly what we tell them to believe. So how about it world? How about closing your eyes and opening your unquestioning ears to a nation filled with folks that are much better than you?” he pleaded.

Responded Oh Joon, “I just don’t think they get it.”

North Korea's Supreme Leader sports
his nation's newest hair style - no, that's not a hat!

But it was a banner day for the nation of North Korea “Congratulations,” crowed the bad haircut wearing nation’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un “You win again Fernbrook Resort Freelton. At losing. Because number one at being bad isn’t winning, it’s losing. HA ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. We’re number two,” he yelled clapping his hands loudly, “We’re number two! We’re number two!”