Feces Shortage Strikes Fernbrook Resort Freelton! But Death Threats Increase?

Feces Shortage Strikes Fernbrook Resort Freelton! But Death Threats Increase?

Fresh Feces prices and Death Threats continue to rise
on the Fernbrook Resort Stock Market

This morning we wakened to see only two smaller blackened nuggets of feces tossed on our walk. Indicating that a feces shortage has struck the grand nation of Fernbrook Resort. Which will alarm those residents who partake in this bizarre ritual of intimidation no doubt.

A check of the fresh dog feces market and the futures markets both confirm there has been a heavy uptick in prices due to the skyrocketing demand and the increasing rarity of this precious resource.

A coincidence? Or a threat?

But that wasn’t all that was found on the walk.

Apparently a field mouse expired right dead smack in the middle of the walk as well.

Or maybe it didn’t die there but rather someone placed it there.

As a threat.

You know, like you see in the movies. They send you a dead animal and a note and if you don’t cease and desist well… you cease to exist.

But if it’s a threat it’s a pretty insulting one. A mouse? C’mon! That shows absolutely no effort. It smacks of laziness.

In real life death threats consists of a nice fresh fish all wrapped in newspaper thoughtfully tied up with a string (so you don’t get your hands dirty). Or the threateners cut the head off your favorite racehorse and place it next to you in your bed so you have something to think about when you wake up.

As well, usually there’s a note, something like: "Shaddup up or youse’ll sleep wit da fishes!" and then signed ‘sincerely Karson Krausewitz’ (or some other psuedonym).

But there wasn’t a note either.

Just more laziness.

As a result we refuse to take such threats seriously.

If indeed this was a threat to 'cease and desist' describing the daily life in the Fernbrook Resort nation then we demand something more substantial. A dead giraffe perhaps. Or the head of a walrus cleaned and mounted and suitable for  display.

Member of
Fernbrook Resort's Mafia

Onlythen will we feel suitably threatened.

But a mouse?

Maybe the Chicken Mafia thinks a dead mouse threatening, but adults?

C’mon.

C’mon….

A Reply to Karson Krausewitz Komments on the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

A Reply to Karson Krausewitz Komments on the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Well, the feces flingers (and there is likely more than one individual involved) reared their ugly heads this weekend with another smelly deposit. Fortunately we’re so used to watching out for these little surprise packages that no harm was caused to our footwear (or are feelings).

But that’s not all… from time to time the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort Freelton blog receives fan mail. And on July 26 we received this note from one Karson Krausewitz:

"Quit posting outrageios Lies about fernbrook. Like do you think your fucking funny or something. Well your not!!. YOU ARE A FUCKING JOKE. Remove this blog immediately! Thank you."

This is the fan mail in its entirety, unedited.

Firstly, Karson Krausewitz is very likely a pseudonym. A pseudonym for someone who is too chicken to provide their real name. Perhaps a pseudonym for someone who picks a fight. And then runs away when their challenge is accepted.

Secondly, the poor spelling, grammar etc. are artifice. Clearly forced. The note’s writer obviously feels they are smarter than everyone else. So likely a narcissist. And the only advertised narcissist in the nation of Fernbrook Resort is our little Rooster.

Strangely, you know who else used the ploy of poor spelling, grammar etc. in a series of anonymous notes? Jack the Ripper. I wonder if Rooster is planning to do a little ripping of his own?

Thirdly, the ‘outrageios Lies about fernbrook’ are anything but. The stories told are true but to steal and adulterate a line from old American police shows (like Adam-12), "The names have been changed to protect the guilty."

In fact on May 29^th in respect of Perry Mason’s investigation: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/05/perry-mason-case-of-feces-flinger-and.html a fan mail was received from an individual who used their real name (withheld). The note reads in its entirety:

"Feces flinger AL has been unmasked"

Strangely enough the note’s sender does not reside in the nation of Fernbrook Resort. Even stranger, there are two, three and perhaps more AL’s in Fernbrook Resort. How would someone who does not live in the nation of Fernbrook know that?

Now we’re not saying that this ‘AL’ is flinging feces… the above comment "Feces flinger AL has been unmasked" is just an unproven allegation. But because more than one size of dog feces has been involved in the flinging, sometimes from a small dog and sometimes from a much larger dog, so either the flinger has two dogs or this ‘AL’ is delivering feces to Rooster to fling (if Al is not doing it himself). Again, this is just a theory and not proof.

But one point did just Dawn on me… if someone named AL is flinging feces onto people’s properties or abetting others in this practice… than naming him is just Desserts.

Grexit: Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Apply for Admission to European Union (EU)

Grexit: Fernbrook Resort Freelton to Apply for Admission to European Union (EU)

Doc Ballard, Lord Mayor of the trouble-making nation of Fernbrook Resort announced that his nation would be applying for admission to the European Union or EU.

His Worship, Doc Ballard

Though it was pointed out to His Worship that the EU gives membership preference to nations that are actually physically located in Europe this did not seem to deter the Lord Mayor.

Laughed Doc Ballard, "How could they turn us down? I mean if they allow a nation called Greece to join… What… Do we have to change our name to Lard? Or perhaps they prefer something fancy like Mayonnaise?"

Then the Mayor mocked the EU by using a smooth 1930’s travelogue voice while intoning, "the tiny nation of Mayonnaise, with its stately capital of Hellmann’s, is located high atop a rocky escarpment. Feted for annual traditions that include the flinging of feces and the whacking of cats citizens dress in a variety of colourful…" he trailed off laughing again.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton displays its wealth

"Besides," Ballard said returning to his normal voice, "After checking my dryer for loose change I’ve determined that Fernbrook Resort is now more fiscally sound than the poorly-lubricated nation of Greece," the Lord Mayor yipped shrilly, "so how can they possibly say no."

And if the European union were still to say NO to the Grand Nation of Fernbrook Resort?

Premium Grade Salad Croutons from
a Fernbrook Resort mine.

"Then let them be warned that we shall cut their supply of salad grade croutons."

Fernbrook Resort of course is renowned for their low yield yet high quality crouton mines.


"We shall not be defied," the Lord Mayor barked even more shrilly, "Europe, you have been warned. Insult us and you will make our list. Just like Philadelphia. And Millgrove. Screw you Millgrove," the Lord Mayor barked again, "We’re coming for you!"

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Proposes to Capture Infant Labour Market

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Proposes to Capture Infant Labour Market

Infant labour force proposed by Fernbrook Resort

In an effort to expand its economy during the increasing worldwide recession the tiny canine ruled nation of Fernbrook Resort announced this morning plans to employ low cost infants. The initiative is an effort to lure jobs away from China and India and other employment-stealing nations.

Nestor Spacecadet:
Minister of Pandering for Economic Development

Said the Minister of Pandering for Economic Development, Nestor Spacecadet, "I was watching 60 Minutes the other night and they had a segment on child labour in third world countries and it hit me... we have all these infants lazing around with nothing better to do than watch Mr. Rogers or Barney or whatever, why not put the lazy little carpetbaggers to work?"
And that’s exactly what the nation plans to do.

Confirmed Greenjeans, "We can use the tykes in mines, on assembly lines, deep sea fishing… there’s not much they won’t do if you tell them it’s what Santa Claus wants."

When pressed about accidents other nations faced when employing cheap labour, particularly fires in the manufacturing sector, the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort responded.

Doc Ballard - Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort

"We got that covered," His Worship barked benevolently, "As a safety conscious nation we’re going to build our factories out of low cost asbestos materials. And if that ain’t safe enough for you we’ll also provide asbestos jumpers to all our little employees for a nominal fee… because when you think safety the first word that comes to mind is asbestos."

Protective Asbestos Baby Jumper

Asked where exactly they would purchase the asbestos Greenjeans replied, "from Canada of course. Canada is one of the world’s top asbestos exporting nations. When they’re not clubbing the hell out of defenseless seal pups they’re mining and selling asbestos to unsuspecting third world nations. Maybe one day we can be a third world nation," the Minister smiled .

Chimed in the Lord Mayor sadly, "And it's too bad we don’t have any seal pups… What I wouldn't give to.. "

New cars for Fernbrook Resort citizens!

Economic projections for the little nation indicate that if successful, every pot will have a rooster and every garage will have one of those foot-powered Flintstone-style cars.

Did The Most Horrible Pair of Boobs in Fernbrook Resort Freelton Just Get A Little More Horrible?

Did The Most Horrible Pair of Boobs in Fernbrook Resort Freelton Just Get A Little More Horrible?

Now Playing: Two Horrible Boobs - The Sequel?

Remember: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/06/the-most-horrible-pair-of-boobs-in.html?

And ask yourself... can a horrible pair of boobs get any more horrible?

Well apparently they can.

How?

By simply grafting a third boob somewhere close to the original pair .

And that appears to be exactly what this horrible pair of boobs may have done. We say may because you hate to jump to conclusions.

For the last forty hours or so the gardens of been both horrible boob free and feces flinging free… a remarkable accomplishment though no Guinness World Record. (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/07/no-guinness-book-of-world-records-dog.html)

And then what happened?

Potential Horrible Boob Job?

Well, during an afternoon of sporting, allegedly Rooster was crowing to the Potential Horrible Boob Job about some annoying neighbours… the ones who complain when Rooster flings feces on their property, or self-righteously complain about his other harassment’s.

Then, not too long after Rooster’s whines, the Potential Horrible Boob Job walks out of Rooster’s home and struts back and forth very loudly uttering profanities and insults to an empty yard. Though some adjoining yards weren’t empty.

Now you hate to jump to conclusions and if it had just been random profanities then hey, maybe Potential Horrible Boob Job (PHBJ) was just blowing off some steam. But when you add in the insults… insults that you would not call yourself but some have no trouble tossing at others… well, either PHBJ was mad at himself… or PHBJ wanted someone else in particular to hear.

Someone who Rooster has been desperately trying to have evicted from the Grand Nation of Fernbrook Resort.

And knowing Rooster’s proclivity of manipulating those he feels are less intelligent than himself which includes all children, selected women and anyone who falls for his chicken in wolf's clothing O-poor-me-please-won’t-you-help-me spiel… then perhaps this was no simple coincidence.

Why?

By manipulating others to do his harassment Rooster can crow, "It wasn’t me!" and escape unscathed.

Unfortunately that’s not the way it works.

This is a situation where there are no winners.

Just losers.

But if you want to see who the true Loser is… just look in the mirror.

Because Loser, thy face is you.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Steven Spielberg Dreamworks SKG to Option Stephen King Fernbrook Resort Freelton Property?

Steven Spielberg Dreamworks SKG to Option Stephen King Fernbrook Resort Freelton Property?

The property in question is Stephen King’s latest best selling horror masterpiece ‘The Coop of Gallus Domesticus’, http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/06/fernbrook-resort-freelton-book-review.html , the story of a trailer park cock gone completely bad.

Stephen King and Steven Speilberg recently met at Fernbrook Resort’s fabulous Whack-a-Cat Festival (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/05/fernbrook-resort-freelton-announces.html) and got to talking about King’s latest work.

King poses with a victim

Offered Steven Spielberg, "I’ve always wanted to capture a story involving talking animals and this is a story about talking animals so it’ll be one more thing I can knock off my bucket list."

Spielberg preparing to 'Whack-a-Cat'

Said Stephen King, "I have never liked the way Steven Spielberg spells his first name but with the money he’s offering me he can spell his name any way he likes."

Replied Steven Spielberg, "When King wins an Oscar than he can tell me how to spell my name but until then he should keep a tighter rein on his piehole."

Spielberg went on to reveal that he has been an avid reader of the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort soap opera since day one, laughing and crying variously over such funny and diverse episodes as:

Meth Labs, Coke Dens and Trailer Trash at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/08/meth-labs-coke-dens-and-trailer-trash.html)

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Implicated in "The Interview" SONY Hacking Scandal

(http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/fernbrook-resort-freelton-implicated-in.html)

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario – The Epic Mini-Series of the History of a Canine Ruled Nation

(http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2015/03/fernbrook-resort-freelton-ontario-epic.html)

Spielberg went on to say that King’s characterization of the malevolent Cock, a character that pops up in many episodes of Fernbrook, was reminiscent of Paul Newman’s Hud Bannon portrayal. "But I don’t think I would make a movie of Coop," Speilberg went on to say, "I see this as a weekly serial… weekly and perhaps even daily episodes revolving around Cock… the content of which would capture the shock and righteous indignation of the public."

Mr. Spielberg finished by saying, "Most importantly, I can finally use the word cock without it being considered an insult and I can show a cock without it being considered pornography."

Real Estate Mogul Donald Trump Takes a Swing at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Real Estate Mogul Donald Trump Takes a Swing at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Donald Trump:
Hair Raising Comments Shocked his Toupee. 

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump stood by statements he made recently that too many illegal immigrants from Mexico are criminals and added in a Saturday speech that the immigrant problem isn’t limited to Mexico, that nationals from other nations entering the United States are all criminals and problematic and that his concerns are rooted in national security.

When asked what other nations he felt were sending riffraff to the US Trump mentioned Antarctica, Vatican City and Mars… then hesitated before ranting on the dangerous canine ruled nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

"When Fernbrook Resort sends its people [to the USA], they're not sending the best," Trump said. "They're not sending educated people, they're sending people that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems. They're smuggling pot holes, they're stealing library books. They toss dog feces and some, I assume, are good people, but I speak to border guards and they're telling us what we're getting."

Trump made his inflammatory remarks during a non-scripted July 4th presidential announcement follow up speech.

"The crime [in Fernbrook Resort] is raging and it’s violent….but if you talk about it, you’re branded a racist," Trump told Fox News just days after Fox News reported on an illegal Fernbrook Resort immigrant, deported five time previously, who stole a parking spot from the billionaire.

Trump's Yugo is a vote magnet and a babe magnet 

"I was driving my 1977 Yugo down Park Aveneue, Trump complained, "when I saw a man in a truck with Fernbrook Resort license plates taking my precious parking space. I chased him but I had to stop because my Yugo has no windshield and the wind was mussing my hair… Precious parking space... the Trump wants his precious…" the billionaire mogul trailed off while rubbing his hands together eerily.


Surprisingly Trump has drawn support from Americans who say he is openly confronting the severity of the Fernbrook Resort immigration problem that others won’t publicly knowledge.

"It’s about safety," Trump said after a return to semi-lucidity. "Some of the people coming here [from Fernbrook Resort] are very violent people."

Proposed wall of cheese that Trump declares
'will deter illegal immigrants'.

Legal US immigrant Robert 'Bob' Pants

To counter this Trump has proposed building a Great Wall made completely of American cheese on the U.S.-Fernbrook Resort border as well as the US borders with Antarctica, Mars and that place where Spongebob Squarepants lives.

"I have to stand up for US of A," Trump chirped, "Because no one else will."

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Citizens React to Turd Terrorism Accusations

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Citizens React to Turd Terrorism Accusations

The tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort is in an uproar of Turd Pride over international accusations that they are and/or promote turd terrorism. Turd terrorism of course is the brave act of tossing dog feces onto a neighbor’s property when their back is turned.

Mindy Lunchbucket -
 typical Fernbrook Resort 'Woman in the Street'

A Washington Post woman in the street interview of average Fernbrook Resort citizen Mindy Lunchbucket revealed the following.

"Oh, I’m not a feces flinger myself… I wouldn’t dream of doing it. But do I support turd terrorism? …it depends."

Depends on what Mindy Lunchbucket was probed.

"Who’s the terrorist and who they’re terrorizing."

When asked to elaborate Lunchbucket replied that if the terrorist was a friend and he or she was terrorizing someone she did not like then it was perfectly okay. "It’s not terrorism," she said, "they just deserve it because they’re a jerk."

And what if the ‘jerk’ were to retaliate in kind… to throw feces at your feces throwing friend.

"Well that just proves that they’re a jerk. Because only a jerk would throw feces."

So the neighbor is a jerk if your friends toss feces at them and they’re a jerk if they were ever to retaliate in kind.

"Exactly… Oh, and one other thing, if the neighbor who is receiving the feces complains or makes my friends feel bad for tossing feces onto their property then they are just downright mean. And I would tell everyone in the neighborhood that they are mean… even little kids. The nerve of them… complaining like that… and embarrassing my friends and making them feel bad… you know, maybe I should take up feces flinging… teach them a lesson…"

International Community Reacts to Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Support of Turd Terrorism

International Community Reacts to Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Support of Turd Terrorism

Nations across the globe were shocked when secretly shot footage of Feces Flinging & Sh*t Slinging Celebrations from the tiny secretive nation of Fernbrook Resort was leaked onto Youtube Television by unnamed individuals.

Petawawa Lord Mayor Tommy Shanks

Said the Lord Mayor of the pipe smoking nation of Petawawa Tommy Shanks, "These turd terrorists are disgusting! I certainly wouldn’t want such people… and I use the term people lightly as apes and monkeys are the only species who toss feces… I wouldn’t allow these individuals into our fine nation."

Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch
of Canada's Armed Forces

Canadian Armed Forces Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch remarked, "I find such behavior to be completely unacceptable. If any men or women of the Canadian Armed forces were involved in such shenanigans I would keelhaul their cowardly ass."

An intense Nick Fury of the OPP
has a message for feces flingers

Staff Sergeant Nicholas Fury of the Official Party Poopers (OPP) reacted by stating: "We at the OPP would be completely embarrassed if one of our members was to engage in such an immature act. To poop as needed is fine but to abuse poop is quite dastardly. What a sorry ass individual… and nation… if they promote such abuse of poo and or protect such horrible boobs that engage in such acts of terrorism."

William Quicklime of CACA

William Quicklime of the Cement Association of Canada & America (CACA) had this to say, "Seriously… people who engage in such chickensh*t behavior are f*cked up beyond belief. Get some help dude."

Dr. Joyce Brothers chairs a panel
on Self Image and Sh*t Slinging

Dr. Joyce Brothers confirmed William Quicklime’s frank diagnosis and added psychologists and psychiatrists agree that, "People who engage in such bizarre behaviour do so because they equate poop with their self image… so we should strive to understand their destructive behavior. It’s really a cry for help.







And there you have it, mature adults from across the world weigh in with their comments on those people who Fling Feces & Sling Sh*t and those who protect them.

JULY: National Feces Flinging & Sh*t Slinging Month at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

JULY: National Feces Flinging & Sh*t Slinging Month at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Wrote John:

"Didn’t I see you with him in the garden?
Again she denied it, and at that moment a rooster began to crow."

July is Fernbrook Resort’s favorite month of the year. Why? Because it’s the month when citizens, under cover of darkness (or when no one is looking) place dog feces under decks, fling feces over garden fences and sling sh*t onto neighbor’s sidewalks.

Remarked Adolph Monkeybottom, "this isn’t the kind of behaviour you see in civilized nations… it’s a purely Fernbrook tradition… and a tradition we’re glad to perpetuate."

Irmabella Boobaloo : Feces tossing equals bravery

Irmabella Boobaloo said loftily, "When my man tells me he tossed feces onto a neighbor’s property when they weren’t looking it makes me feel so proud. Not all men have the cajones to toss feces behind a turned back. It takes an especially brave man to solve a problem this way."

Howso?


"Well… if you’re mad at your neighbor and you’re too much of a coward to tell them what they’ve done to upset you… you can just toss feces onto their property. Then they’ll know exactly what the cause of the dispute is and the problem will be resolved. It never fails. It’s how all mature intelligent adults at Fernbrook Resort solve their problems."

Candy-Lou Whoo - a great example for the our kids

"Oh, no doubt" added Candy-Lou Whoo, "and this slinging of sh*t is a great example for our children to emulate."






"But of course," chirped Raphael Crowsfeet, "If the people of other nations would look to Fernbrook Resort and watch the way we fling feces there would be less crime. Disputes would be a thing of the past. The earth would be a better place."

Raphael Crowsfeet - look to Fernbrook Resort

Harold Bearclaw curator of Fernbrook Resort’s Sh*t and Feces Repository

Finished Harold Bearclaw curator of Fernbrook Resort’s Sh*t and Feces Repository, "We encourage all our nation’s citizens to get out there, have a bit of fun and fling a bit of feces onto their neighbor’s property. OHHHH, and one other thing… don’t fling any crap on to my property because only a pair of horrible boobs would dare to toss feces on my property."