Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Universal Beauty Pageant Crowns Winner

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Universal Beauty Pageant Crowns Winner

"I was told their was to be an open buffet," said celebrity judge Kim Kardashian

"I was told the same thing as Kim," said a disappointed Jimmy Walker.

The Justin Trudeau Memorial Auditorium was packed to it’s full capacity of twelve with celebrity judges Kim Kardashian, Jimmy ‘Dy-no-mite!’ Walker and the Cheerios Honey Bee seated right alongside visitors and valued friends from downtown Carlisle, Flamborough Centre and several Dundas and Waterdown area homeless shelters. 

"Where are all the honeys?" asked the Cheerios Honey Bee

And what a night it was! With plenty of entertainment, music and laughs right alongside the serious business of picking the Universe’s most beautiful. The overlong ceremony finally came to an end about 3:68AM on February 34^th using the Fernbrook Resort Freelton New Standard Scientology Clock and Calendar.

The Third Runner- Up was a very surprised Miss Harmony Bliss.

Harmony Bliss: "Demands a Urine Test."

“What the …?!?,” Miss Bliss exclaimed to a sympathetic crowd, “I make up a bunch of crap about helping out stupid underprivileged kids and homeless World War I Veterans suffering from geriatric profanity disorder and all I get is third runner up? This really sucks. My breasts are perkier than any of the other contestants… I bathe regularly…. And my prize is one day and seven nights in the suite of the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort. Screw you… Screw you all… ”

When the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort was pointed out to Miss Bliss she immediately exclaimed, “How the hell did I get third runner up? I didn’t even deserve to place. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Hey, I used drugs. Lots of them. Doesn’t that disqualify me or something? Please, for the love of God someone give me a urine test.”

The Second Runner-Up was a large helping of poutine in a reusable tinfoil pan.

"I am not just some side dish," exclaimed an irresistable pan of poutine

“All my life I've been criticized for being too cheesy. For laying on the gravy too thick. For being artery cloggingly delicious. Or for just being plain unhealthy. But I showed them,” said the proud platter of cheese and gravy covered french fries.

The First Runner-Up was a cloud of soot particles, dirt and debris Mrs. Halitosis Smogmire.

"Cough cough. Cough cough cough," said Mrs. Halitosis Smogmire

“This is truly an honour, cough cough,” said Mrs. Smogmire, “since a very young age I have fought for the rights of smog, dust clouds and other types of air pollution. To be treated equally with car exhaust fumes, bad breath, chimney smoke clouds and other foreign air particulate matter. Cough cough cough. This is a big step towards that goal. And if something were to happen to the winner of this pageant… say an unfortunate accident or an unexplained disappearance, I certainly wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.”

And the Winner of the First Universal Beauty Pageant was a robust feline of undetermined sex, Mill Grove.

"Purrrrrrrrrr," purred an indeterminately sexed cat.

“Of course I won,” purred Miss (or perhaps Mr.) Grove, “after my Law Cat threatened Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Lord Mayor by threatening to expose his drug problem… free basing Little Friskies™ and snorting copious quantities of catnip, it was in the bag. Oh, wait a second, I didn’t just let the cat out of the bag… did I? Oh, no… well… did something just hit the fan?!?”