Snippets from Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Daily Newspaper Truth and Consequences

Snippets from Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Daily Newspaper Truth and Consequences

Fernbrook Resort's Truth and Consequences Newspaper

March is certainly rolling in like a lion at earth’s most faeces encrusted nation – smelly Fernbrook Resort Freelton. 

These short articles were borrowed from Fernbrook Resort’s daily newspaper the Fernbrook Resort Freelton Truth and Consequences (“Printed on freshly used toilet paper – ‘Because it’s faster than recycling!’)

FAECES SIGHTINGS CONTINUE

A mini clay ton?

The first faeces sighting of the New Year was confirmed. Originally it was thought to be a mini ton of clay. But it wasn’t a ton of clay. Some thoughtless lazy man-child let his pup poop a mini clay ton on a neighbour’s stoop. I guess he thought the camera was off. Surely as I live and breathe tis the truth. Surely, someone will put a stop to this.

THEFT INVESTIGATION COVER-UP CONTINUES

And, more importantly, one of the neighbours rushed to contact a former employee at Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Wanted to know if the former employee had been saying anything about their involvement with the thefts at Fernbrook Resort. The individual was reassured and told by the former employee that, “they hadn’t been saying anything”.

What the individual should have asked after was “had anything been said?”

"Ahhh crap!!!" said an unidentified chicken.

The past tense and not the present.

Because, than, the answer would have been different.

Who the quizzing questioner should have asked was the current manager of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. Because they were told by an ex-employee that indeed a certain someone had stolen resources from Fernbrook Resort Freleton’s famous library.

Perhaps if Fernbrook Resort Freelton punished the wrongdoers instead of the wrongfully accused this once proud nation would not have become an undrained cesspool full of festering bad behavior.

THEFT INVESTIGATION PUBLICITY RILES NEIGHBOURS

The public identification of the culprit in Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s many thefts, Neighbour Undesirable did not rile the petty and almost brain dead nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton. No, what did rouse them from their comatose state was the fact that smelly and gross Neighbour Undeisrable is being eyeballed 24 hours a day – and now knows it. 

"For the last time I ONLY STEAL HAMBURGERS!"

“How are we supposed to catch them stealing if they know they’re being watched?” asked one anonymous citizen.    

But if you haven’t already seen them stealing then how do you know that they are stealing?

“Because we don’t like them. And if you don’t like them then anything you say about them must be true. Unless it’s complimentary. Then the person who said it must be crazy. Or on drugs.”

Or semi comatose perhaps?

"I just solved my first-est crime!"

“Exactly!”

And what about the fact that someone has already been named and admitted to stealing? 

“Well… because they admitted stealing it shows how honest they are. And since honest people never steal they can’t be the thief. Therefore it has to be someone who doesn’t admit to stealing. Like an Undesirable Neighbour. ”

Thanks for that insight Colombo.

NEXT ISSUE: WHY ARE HOME PRICES AND HOME SALES PLUMMETTING ACROSS THE NATION OF FERNBROOK RESORT FREELTON.