 |
| wooo oooo oooh!!!! woo oooo ooohhhh!!! |
In a calculated response to the
revelation that Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s phone lines and telecommunication
system is infested by ghosts, the Great and Powerful Rooster made an
announcement that the problem had now been solved.
Said Rooster, “When I heard that
chickens were being blamed I thought to myself, I’ve got to deflect attention
away from myself… and my followers… before people put two and two together and
get three… so I edumacated myself. Yup. I attained a degree of more higherer
education. I am now a Doctor of Phonology…”
“What?” muttered several members of the
press corps simultaneously.
 |
| "Yeah, I'm a Doctor now." |
“And what sort of illness do the callers
have?” asked Nelly Bly of the New York Times.
“They have a disease known to you
laypeople as hysterical laryngitis.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it’s true. I just invent… er
discovered the disease. Just the other day. When I was cleaning out my coop.”
“Can you elaborate on the symptoms?”
asked Dr. Phil Good of the Mayo Institute.
“Sure,” said Rooster, “whenever a person
– NOT A CHICKEN, A PERSON… A PERSON, whenever A PERSON phones a neighbour… and
that neighbour is infested with the ailment of contagious pneumonic undesirability…
that awful disease is transmitted through the phone line. Causing the caller to
instantaneously lose their voice. Hysterical laryngitis. Unable to speak they
are forced to hang up. So you can’t blame the caller. You can only blame the
person who picks up the phone. Because if they hadn’t answered their phone then
none of this would have happened.”
“Say,” asked Dr. William Ozonol of the
New England Journal of Medicine, “just where exactly did you get your degree
from?”
“From Dawn’s Discount Diplomas and Rug
Shampooing. At Dawn’s you get your diploma in under an hour and if they’re late
you get ten percent of your next carpet shampooing. Remember everyone that’s
Dawn’s Discount Diplomas for all your educational needs. Dawn’s Discount
Diplomas.”
“Is Dawn's an accredited medical
institution?” queried Dr. Ozonol, “Because I’ve never heard of them before.”
“Yeah… well… that doesn’t surprise me. I mean
who’s ever heard of the New England Journal of Medicine? No one,” crowed
Rooster triumphantly.
“I’ve heard of them.”
“So have I.”
“They’re very famous. And quite well respected.”
“You all should just shut up,” screamed
the Great and Powerful Rooster.
 |
| "yeah, well we've never heard of you too! so there!" |
“Say,” asked Samuel Morse, “even if you
can’t speak because of Hysterical Laryngitis couldn’t you just tap out
something in some sort of code… you know… just to let the Neighbour of Undesirability know that you’re having a problem speaking?”
“NO. I can’t do that,” yelled Rooster.
“Hey… wait a second... Why are you answering in the first
person?” asked Dr. Lawrence Osler of the Journal of the American Medical Association.
“Because… because… arrgh, I have
laryngitis,” said the Great and Powerful Rooster.
“But you’re still talking.”
“No I’m not.”
“You just spoke again.”
“No I didn’t.”
“You just did it again.”
“Shut up.”
“You’re still talking.”
“Okay, everyone get out.”
“Do you even know what laryngitis is?”
“Get out. O-U-T OUT.”
“You’re still talking.”
“No I’m not.”
“You just did it again.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Hey, aren’t you that Rooster who’s
supposed to be holding his breath until someone writes a crappy song about
him?”
“Mmmmph. Mmmmmhp. Mmmph. MMM. PHmhpm.”
“Well, at least he knows what that
means.”
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