TV Critics, Lawsuits and Hypocrisy at Fernbrook Resort Freelton
Emergency rooms right across North America were filled with injured entertainment critics who had hacked off their thumbs after viewing the so-called epic mini-series: Fernbrook Resort Freelton - History of a Canine Ruled Nation.
"Well, it’s official," stated a sober Larry King, "March 27, 2015 at 8:05 PM Eastern Standard Time entertainment officially died. May Steven Spielberg have mercy on us all."
Remarked Roger Ebert: "This is the kind of programming that makes radio so popular…"
"Well, that’s twelve hours of my life I’m not gonna get back," tweeted Abraham Lincoln about the lengthy series.
"Why won’t my eyes stop bleeding?" sobbed Stephen King.
While Jerry Seinfeld tweeted, "If I wrote something like this I’d be back behind bars."
But perhaps the Attorney General for the nation of Fernbrook Resort said it best when he threatened: "WE’RE GONNA SUE!"
Yeah, that’s right, the legal council for the great nation of Fernbrook Resort, who obtained his degree from a soggy matchbook cover he found on a street corner, is suggesting legal action against not only the producers of the mini-series but also the publication that inspired the series, ‘Secrets of Fernbrook Resort’.
"They’re making us look bad," stated the Attorney General, "and let me tell you this – we are not a people that needs any help when it comes to making ourselves look bad."
When asked exactly how the internet publication and/or the mini-series made Fernbrook Resort look bad the AG replied, "by telling the truth. Telling the world that we stand for regularly tossing dog feces at our neighbors homes. That we steal from our neighbor’s. That we vandalise our neighbor’s property. We rifle through their garages. And toss our garbage into their yards. Because it is perfectly okay to do such things… but telling the entire world that we do such things is not okay! We will not stand for this!"
The Attorney General for the beleaguered nation went on to confirm that the aggrieved citizens were circulating petitions against the alleged perpetrators of Secrets of Fernbrook Resort, in an attempt to have them evicted, in addition to undertaking legal action for slander.
Said Doc Ballard (the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort) after watching the highly rated mini-series, "Agreed. The one thing Fernbrook won’t stand for is those who would dare smear our good nation’s name with the truth. It is our Dog-given right to do unto others those things that others better keep their traps shut about… or else… because we’re a nation of hypocrites."
Monday, March 30, 2015
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Instigation - The Proud Political Legacy of Fernbrook Resort Freelton - The exciting miniseries comes to its conclusion!
Instigation - The Proud Political Legacy of Fernbrook Resort Freelton
The tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort has not always been under canine control. Prior to the election of Doc Ballard, (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/11/dog-elected-lord-mayor-of-fernbrook.html) a geriatric long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage being elected to the top post in the land – Lord Mayor – the tiny but feisty anti-Feline nation had been ruled by a weathered piece of plywood purchased at Beaver Lumber in 1983. Other notable Lord Mayors of the last half century include a bowl of half eaten pork and beans (which mysteriously disappeared), a rolled up length of shag carpet and that orangutan from the Clint Eastwood movies (who was alleged but never proven, to have been involved in the disappearance of that same half eaten bowl of pork and beans).
Fernbrook Resort has never been pegged as a Pacifist nation. Neither has it been a considered a Belligerent nation. And though it refused to become a member of the United Nations it is not considered a Neutral. No, the Nation of Fernbrook Resort is the lone occupant of a class of unique nation known as the Instigator. Seemingly and innocently sowing seeds of discord than fading into the background and watching as opposing parties spill each other’s blood.
Historians attribute some of the following events to Fernbrook Resort:
The Rise of Napoleon
- it a known fact that it was a humiliating series of letters, mocking Napoleon’s vertical challenges and his love of Pepsi, that incited the little man’s rage and caused him to war on Europe. Though King George of England was blamed for the missives it has recently been proven that the letters were postmarked from what is now Fernbrook Resort.
Joseph Stalin
- while a young Stalin was studying for the priesthood at the Tiflis Theological Seminary a ‘classmate’ hailing from Fernbrook Resort advised him that perhaps Stalin could save more lives if he accepted marxism as the guiding light in his life. This ‘acceptance’ led to the downfall of the Russian monarchy, tens of millions of deaths and one extremely cold war.
Marisa Tomei’s Oscar Win
- the surprise ‘win’, alleged by some to be a result of ballot box stuffing by the accounting firm of Fernbrook, Resort & Freelton, led to a decline in the making of serious movies and the rise of the comic book being accepted as sophisticated entertainment.
The SONY Interview Hack Scandal
- the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort freely admitted to hacking SONY in an attempt to stop a remake of ‘That Darn Cat’. The incursion was originally blamed on North Korea and is thought to be one of the underlying causes of World War III scheduled for later this century.
(http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/fernbrook-resort-freelton-implicated-in.html)
As well Fernbrook Resort is thought to be involved with the new Coke scandal (though this has yet to be proven) that decimated the soda industry and led to a rise in popularity of Energy Boosting drinks such as Red Bull.
Clearly the damage caused by this instigator nation is considerable. As a result of these incidents most nations of the world avoid crossing swords with Fernbrook Resort.
And that, is the story of the History of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario!
The tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort has not always been under canine control. Prior to the election of Doc Ballard, (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/11/dog-elected-lord-mayor-of-fernbrook.html) a geriatric long-haired mongrel of undetermined parentage being elected to the top post in the land – Lord Mayor – the tiny but feisty anti-Feline nation had been ruled by a weathered piece of plywood purchased at Beaver Lumber in 1983. Other notable Lord Mayors of the last half century include a bowl of half eaten pork and beans (which mysteriously disappeared), a rolled up length of shag carpet and that orangutan from the Clint Eastwood movies (who was alleged but never proven, to have been involved in the disappearance of that same half eaten bowl of pork and beans).
Fernbrook Resort has never been pegged as a Pacifist nation. Neither has it been a considered a Belligerent nation. And though it refused to become a member of the United Nations it is not considered a Neutral. No, the Nation of Fernbrook Resort is the lone occupant of a class of unique nation known as the Instigator. Seemingly and innocently sowing seeds of discord than fading into the background and watching as opposing parties spill each other’s blood.
Historians attribute some of the following events to Fernbrook Resort:
The Rise of Napoleon
- it a known fact that it was a humiliating series of letters, mocking Napoleon’s vertical challenges and his love of Pepsi, that incited the little man’s rage and caused him to war on Europe. Though King George of England was blamed for the missives it has recently been proven that the letters were postmarked from what is now Fernbrook Resort.
Joseph Stalin
- while a young Stalin was studying for the priesthood at the Tiflis Theological Seminary a ‘classmate’ hailing from Fernbrook Resort advised him that perhaps Stalin could save more lives if he accepted marxism as the guiding light in his life. This ‘acceptance’ led to the downfall of the Russian monarchy, tens of millions of deaths and one extremely cold war.
Marisa Tomei’s Oscar Win
- the surprise ‘win’, alleged by some to be a result of ballot box stuffing by the accounting firm of Fernbrook, Resort & Freelton, led to a decline in the making of serious movies and the rise of the comic book being accepted as sophisticated entertainment.
The SONY Interview Hack Scandal
- the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort freely admitted to hacking SONY in an attempt to stop a remake of ‘That Darn Cat’. The incursion was originally blamed on North Korea and is thought to be one of the underlying causes of World War III scheduled for later this century.
(http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/fernbrook-resort-freelton-implicated-in.html)
As well Fernbrook Resort is thought to be involved with the new Coke scandal (though this has yet to be proven) that decimated the soda industry and led to a rise in popularity of Energy Boosting drinks such as Red Bull.
Clearly the damage caused by this instigator nation is considerable. As a result of these incidents most nations of the world avoid crossing swords with Fernbrook Resort.
And that, is the story of the History of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario!
Friday, March 27, 2015
Parsley, Crouton and Other Industry of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario - the saga continues
Parsley, Crouton and Other Industry of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario - the saga continues
The land around Fernbrook Resort is extremely fertile. Clouds of blackflies roam across the landscape, poison ivy grows taller than cedars and potholes proliferate faster than weeds. However blackflies, poison ivy, potholes (as well as chickens) are all protected species under the Four Seasons Naturalist Act of 1968 and so they did not take any part in the economic development of the nation.
No, in its earliest years the nation relied on the Salad Industry as the mortar for the building blocks of its economy. And from its very earliest days the chief export of the nation was croutons. The underlying land ran rich with veins of pure salad-grade croutons and as a result the landscape was dotted with numerous high yield crouton mines. It is estimated that over 100 million tons of crouton were exported from Fernbrook Resort to the rest of the world prior to the Second World War.
Complimenting the crouton business was the export of parsley for the Garnish Industry. In the early twentieth century every bowl of soup and plate of food was classed up with a sprig of parsley. And more often than not that parsley was grown at Fernbrook Resort. Thick hedges of parsley ran ‘as far as the eye could see’ some of the old timers will tell you. And there was always a willing buyer for premium grade Fernbrook.
Unfortunately, following the Second World War, both of these industry went into serious decline. With the primary culprit being fast food. Fast Foodies generally eschew healthy foods like salads and formal sit down dinners, the primary use for croutons. And parsley, a delicious decorative element in traditional dining milieus is rarely found beside the always popular greasy burger or bowl of poutine. By the middle of the 1960’s fast food outlets were to be found on just about every street corner. As a result the prices of both crouton and parsley plummeted. And by 1970 you couldn’t give away a sprig or a crumb of either. Except at Halloween or Bat Mitzvahs for vegetarians.
It wasn’t until the late 1990’s, coincidental with the rise of the internet, that Fernbrook Resort was able to shake off its economic doldrums. Fernbrook became a pioneer in the profitable niche industry of rumour fabrication. And the sub population of Gallus domesticus proved especially adept not only in the creation of unsubstantiated factoids but in the distribution of same. So much so that Pope Francis visited the tiny nation and gave a sermon on that very subject: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/pope-francis-conducts-boxing-day-sermon.html .
Today the nation of Fernbrook Resort is capable of manufacturing and selling gossip suitable for any occasion. From Hollywood entertainment rags and political innuendoes, to doomsday scenarios or media blurbs, to simple backyard over the fence ‘did you hear’ campaigns. So successful has the industry been that it has raised the GDP of the nation to the salad days of pre World War Two. As a result, today, the tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort is ranked number one in world for the creation and dissemination of trade gossip.
The land around Fernbrook Resort is extremely fertile. Clouds of blackflies roam across the landscape, poison ivy grows taller than cedars and potholes proliferate faster than weeds. However blackflies, poison ivy, potholes (as well as chickens) are all protected species under the Four Seasons Naturalist Act of 1968 and so they did not take any part in the economic development of the nation.
No, in its earliest years the nation relied on the Salad Industry as the mortar for the building blocks of its economy. And from its very earliest days the chief export of the nation was croutons. The underlying land ran rich with veins of pure salad-grade croutons and as a result the landscape was dotted with numerous high yield crouton mines. It is estimated that over 100 million tons of crouton were exported from Fernbrook Resort to the rest of the world prior to the Second World War.
Complimenting the crouton business was the export of parsley for the Garnish Industry. In the early twentieth century every bowl of soup and plate of food was classed up with a sprig of parsley. And more often than not that parsley was grown at Fernbrook Resort. Thick hedges of parsley ran ‘as far as the eye could see’ some of the old timers will tell you. And there was always a willing buyer for premium grade Fernbrook.
Unfortunately, following the Second World War, both of these industry went into serious decline. With the primary culprit being fast food. Fast Foodies generally eschew healthy foods like salads and formal sit down dinners, the primary use for croutons. And parsley, a delicious decorative element in traditional dining milieus is rarely found beside the always popular greasy burger or bowl of poutine. By the middle of the 1960’s fast food outlets were to be found on just about every street corner. As a result the prices of both crouton and parsley plummeted. And by 1970 you couldn’t give away a sprig or a crumb of either. Except at Halloween or Bat Mitzvahs for vegetarians.
It wasn’t until the late 1990’s, coincidental with the rise of the internet, that Fernbrook Resort was able to shake off its economic doldrums. Fernbrook became a pioneer in the profitable niche industry of rumour fabrication. And the sub population of Gallus domesticus proved especially adept not only in the creation of unsubstantiated factoids but in the distribution of same. So much so that Pope Francis visited the tiny nation and gave a sermon on that very subject: http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/pope-francis-conducts-boxing-day-sermon.html .
Today the nation of Fernbrook Resort is capable of manufacturing and selling gossip suitable for any occasion. From Hollywood entertainment rags and political innuendoes, to doomsday scenarios or media blurbs, to simple backyard over the fence ‘did you hear’ campaigns. So successful has the industry been that it has raised the GDP of the nation to the salad days of pre World War Two. As a result, today, the tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort is ranked number one in world for the creation and dissemination of trade gossip.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario – A nation with too many seasons?
Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario – A nation with too many seasons?
Just like many other countries, Zimbabwe, Myanmar and Belize are but a few examples, the tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort nestled high atop the Escarpment on the shores of old Lake Mohawk did not start out with the name it now bares… err bears.
No.
Originally the area and surrounding swampland was christened with a lovely name: Four Seasons. But after many decades with this proud name a dispute broke out between the newly purchasing governors of the land and its citizenry.
The citizens were quite fine with the name but the bureaucrats who purchased the nation insisted that the name must be changed. Truthfully the name did not need changing but the faceless paperpushers who rule always insist on leaving their numerous and needless indelible marks on history because it’s the only way that history will remember them, their names having been forgotten long before they breathed their last breathe.
And what was the official bureaucratic excuse for the needless name change?
That the nation state of Four Seasons had too many seasons. Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. Autumn. Strawberry Spring. Indian Summer. Construction. Marvin Gaye. And Paprika. ‘Which is much more than four,’ they said after checking their calculators, ‘it’s ummm…. Eight. Or thereabouts. We’ll mail you a bill when we figure it out for certain. But in the meantime the name must be changed’. ‘Also,’ they added snottily, ‘Paprika isn’t even a season. It’s a seasoning. And though it is delicious when added to certain dishes it’s still not a season.’
As a result, after much hemming and hawing, the nation of the Four Seasons had its name changed to Fernbrook. A combination of the local flora common to much of the area, the Fern, and Brook in honour of the streams of water that crisscross the nation.
Which is convenient.
The streams of water I mean. Because half of the local population live in homes that do not actually have running water. Oh, the homes have pipes and plumbing and all manner of related paraphernalia but the flow of water is strictly regulated by accountants. Ask them for water and they’ll respond: ‘Water? Do you think that water just falls from the sky? Because when it does then we’ll give you water. But until then we can only bill you for the water that you might have used should we have decided to make it available to you. Oh and we’re raising your rent.’
Fortunately in the nation of Fernbrook Resort there is many a convenient brook that is great for obtaining potable water, for afternoon bathing and for general midnight frolicking. When the ice covered surface melts that is. But then when you have all that ice do you really need water? Maybe it’s a good thing that water doesn’t fall from the sky. Or that penny pinching accountants don’t give us water. Lest our proud nation be flooded.
Just like many other countries, Zimbabwe, Myanmar and Belize are but a few examples, the tiny nation of Fernbrook Resort nestled high atop the Escarpment on the shores of old Lake Mohawk did not start out with the name it now bares… err bears.
No.
Originally the area and surrounding swampland was christened with a lovely name: Four Seasons. But after many decades with this proud name a dispute broke out between the newly purchasing governors of the land and its citizenry.
The citizens were quite fine with the name but the bureaucrats who purchased the nation insisted that the name must be changed. Truthfully the name did not need changing but the faceless paperpushers who rule always insist on leaving their numerous and needless indelible marks on history because it’s the only way that history will remember them, their names having been forgotten long before they breathed their last breathe.
And what was the official bureaucratic excuse for the needless name change?
That the nation state of Four Seasons had too many seasons. Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. Autumn. Strawberry Spring. Indian Summer. Construction. Marvin Gaye. And Paprika. ‘Which is much more than four,’ they said after checking their calculators, ‘it’s ummm…. Eight. Or thereabouts. We’ll mail you a bill when we figure it out for certain. But in the meantime the name must be changed’. ‘Also,’ they added snottily, ‘Paprika isn’t even a season. It’s a seasoning. And though it is delicious when added to certain dishes it’s still not a season.’
As a result, after much hemming and hawing, the nation of the Four Seasons had its name changed to Fernbrook. A combination of the local flora common to much of the area, the Fern, and Brook in honour of the streams of water that crisscross the nation.
Which is convenient.
The streams of water I mean. Because half of the local population live in homes that do not actually have running water. Oh, the homes have pipes and plumbing and all manner of related paraphernalia but the flow of water is strictly regulated by accountants. Ask them for water and they’ll respond: ‘Water? Do you think that water just falls from the sky? Because when it does then we’ll give you water. But until then we can only bill you for the water that you might have used should we have decided to make it available to you. Oh and we’re raising your rent.’
Fortunately in the nation of Fernbrook Resort there is many a convenient brook that is great for obtaining potable water, for afternoon bathing and for general midnight frolicking. When the ice covered surface melts that is. But then when you have all that ice do you really need water? Maybe it’s a good thing that water doesn’t fall from the sky. Or that penny pinching accountants don’t give us water. Lest our proud nation be flooded.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Indians, Aliens & Crap Circles of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario - Episode 4
Indians, Aliens & Crap Circles of Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario
Some say the first inhabitants of greater metropolitan Freelton and the surrounding lands were Indians.
But others say that you can’t say the word Indian when referring to North America’s earliest residents because it’s politically incorrect. And anyone who is politically incorrect is a racist. So if you can’t say Indian what can you call those people who can’t be referred to as Indians? I don’t have a clue. So they’re not getting credit for founding Fernbrook Resort. Screw you Indians err… I mean nameless ones. But it’s your own fault you’re getting written out of the history of Fernbrook Resort.
Other says it was religious refugees that founded Fernbrook Resort. That persecuted people fled their homes and made a perilous journey down dangerous Highway 6 in order that they may worship their choice of black flies, poison ivy and potholes in peace and serenity, without being harassed by the government. But trust me on this... you don’t have to emigrate to Fernbrook Resort to get a high worshipping potholes. Pretty much any street in any Canadian city will suffice.
Some loudly argue that the original founders of the Fernbrook nation were a combination of wayward indentured servants and escaped slaves. But would such people choose to live among black flies, poison ivy and potholes? Even if it provided peace and security? Because I’ve talked to several escaped slaves and the first thing they do after escaping is book a room at the Radisson in Toronto and check out the local bar scene.
Which brings us to Aliens. And while there have been many many crap and feces sightings right across this great nation, these sightings have never been in circular form. This complete absence of crap circles when combined with an utter paucity of UFO sightings should disabuse those with notions of alien involvement in the founding of Fernbrook Resort. Though that doesn’t mean that they don’t visit every now and again for the Spring Feces Flinging Festival.
So what’s left?
The idea that the greater Fernbrook area was settled by Gallus domesticus. The common chicken. Others say that several chickens (and at least one rooster) did indeed arrive but only after the initial pioneers had already well established themselves in the area. Appearing later and hiding themselves among the population so as not to be noticed. But whether or not Fernbrook Resort was founded by chickens… there are some here. And with the waning of the winter snows they’re back to entering the outbuildings of others and rifling through others’ personal property. I guess they like to wait until the snow’s melted so that their distinctive three toed tracks can’t be discerned. Which just leaves us with their actions as proof of their presence.
Some say the first inhabitants of greater metropolitan Freelton and the surrounding lands were Indians.
But others say that you can’t say the word Indian when referring to North America’s earliest residents because it’s politically incorrect. And anyone who is politically incorrect is a racist. So if you can’t say Indian what can you call those people who can’t be referred to as Indians? I don’t have a clue. So they’re not getting credit for founding Fernbrook Resort. Screw you Indians err… I mean nameless ones. But it’s your own fault you’re getting written out of the history of Fernbrook Resort.
Other says it was religious refugees that founded Fernbrook Resort. That persecuted people fled their homes and made a perilous journey down dangerous Highway 6 in order that they may worship their choice of black flies, poison ivy and potholes in peace and serenity, without being harassed by the government. But trust me on this... you don’t have to emigrate to Fernbrook Resort to get a high worshipping potholes. Pretty much any street in any Canadian city will suffice.
Some loudly argue that the original founders of the Fernbrook nation were a combination of wayward indentured servants and escaped slaves. But would such people choose to live among black flies, poison ivy and potholes? Even if it provided peace and security? Because I’ve talked to several escaped slaves and the first thing they do after escaping is book a room at the Radisson in Toronto and check out the local bar scene.
Which brings us to Aliens. And while there have been many many crap and feces sightings right across this great nation, these sightings have never been in circular form. This complete absence of crap circles when combined with an utter paucity of UFO sightings should disabuse those with notions of alien involvement in the founding of Fernbrook Resort. Though that doesn’t mean that they don’t visit every now and again for the Spring Feces Flinging Festival.
So what’s left?
The idea that the greater Fernbrook area was settled by Gallus domesticus. The common chicken. Others say that several chickens (and at least one rooster) did indeed arrive but only after the initial pioneers had already well established themselves in the area. Appearing later and hiding themselves among the population so as not to be noticed. But whether or not Fernbrook Resort was founded by chickens… there are some here. And with the waning of the winter snows they’re back to entering the outbuildings of others and rifling through others’ personal property. I guess they like to wait until the snow’s melted so that their distinctive three toed tracks can’t be discerned. Which just leaves us with their actions as proof of their presence.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
The Land of Freelton & the Geography of Fernbrook Resort – the exciting mini-series continues!
The Land of Freelton & the Geography of Fernbrook Resort – the exciting mini-series continues!
When the earth was already ancient, an age incomprehensible to man, an event of basic importance occurred in an area that was later to be known as Freelton. One billion seven hundred million and six years ago an irresistible force broke through the crust of the earth to form an extremely large pothole – a pothole that endures to this very day. Inside that pothole would form a swamp. And across that pothole would wander the waters. Sprawling undisciplined violent arteries of life that are part of a vicious cycle of building up and tearing down of chipping down old deposits and laying down new, using the same material again and again.
By 15,000 BC the characteristics of the land that was to become Freelton were fairly well determined. Some miles to the south was the Escarpment, cliffs that are almost as old as Joan Rivers. To the east and to the north was a gem like pothole where nuggets of mouth watering croutons had been raked from the crevices by a glacier.
Another special place was on the western bank of a wandering muddy brook where Fernbrook Resort was to be. And the small underwater cave that would never have been found… except for a murder committed over 11,000 years after its creation.
And finally there is the highway. A sad bewildered nothing of a highway. A gravel bottomed road of wandering afterthought. Its name as flat as its appearance. Six. Yet for a while this Highway Six was the highway of empires. It was the course of stirring adventure and the means by which the adventurers lived.
And so the stage is set.
The land has become a home for living things. One of the most stubborn and delicious of plants, the parsley, came to thrive in the streams around Freelton. And one of the terrifying and most deadly, the poison ivy, took refuge in its rocky Escarpment. The blackfly returned to the vast pothole which was its place of origin. And a version of the chicken trekked from the Ottawa Valley to roam the place that would one day become Freelton. This feathered fowl would become the center of culture for the residents of Fernbrook Resort. A clothing optional people that migrated from urban centers over forty years ago and stayed to develop a primitive social order and a deep appreciation of the land.
When the earth was already ancient, an age incomprehensible to man, an event of basic importance occurred in an area that was later to be known as Freelton. One billion seven hundred million and six years ago an irresistible force broke through the crust of the earth to form an extremely large pothole – a pothole that endures to this very day. Inside that pothole would form a swamp. And across that pothole would wander the waters. Sprawling undisciplined violent arteries of life that are part of a vicious cycle of building up and tearing down of chipping down old deposits and laying down new, using the same material again and again.
By 15,000 BC the characteristics of the land that was to become Freelton were fairly well determined. Some miles to the south was the Escarpment, cliffs that are almost as old as Joan Rivers. To the east and to the north was a gem like pothole where nuggets of mouth watering croutons had been raked from the crevices by a glacier.
Another special place was on the western bank of a wandering muddy brook where Fernbrook Resort was to be. And the small underwater cave that would never have been found… except for a murder committed over 11,000 years after its creation.
And finally there is the highway. A sad bewildered nothing of a highway. A gravel bottomed road of wandering afterthought. Its name as flat as its appearance. Six. Yet for a while this Highway Six was the highway of empires. It was the course of stirring adventure and the means by which the adventurers lived.
And so the stage is set.
The land has become a home for living things. One of the most stubborn and delicious of plants, the parsley, came to thrive in the streams around Freelton. And one of the terrifying and most deadly, the poison ivy, took refuge in its rocky Escarpment. The blackfly returned to the vast pothole which was its place of origin. And a version of the chicken trekked from the Ottawa Valley to roam the place that would one day become Freelton. This feathered fowl would become the center of culture for the residents of Fernbrook Resort. A clothing optional people that migrated from urban centers over forty years ago and stayed to develop a primitive social order and a deep appreciation of the land.
Monday, March 23, 2015
An Introduction to the History of Fernbrook Resort Freelton
An Introduction to the History of Fernbrook Resort Freelton
Hellooo… I’m your guide… and that patch of marshy ground infested with blackflies, poison ivy and potholes that you’ve heard so much about is home to a tiny nation known to the rest of the world as Fernbrook Resort. And those gifts, blackflies, poison ivy and potholes, are the proud symbols of the Fernbrook nation. They have been here forever. And they symbolize both our nation’s strength and our freedom.
I supposssse the primary goal in telling you this story is to ask us, you and me, if you are aware of what is happening right now in this land that we love, this Resort that we depend upon for life. This mini-series is not fiction and its characters and scenes are not imaginary. Once upon a time there were many Native Americans in this area – people whose names are no longer acknowledged because we’re told that we can’t call them Indians. Too, came many religious refugees from the cities and suburbs just like those described in this story. And wayward indentured servants and escaped slaves are thought to have passed through downtown Fernbrook on their way to someplace with fewer cats. Rumours of alien involvement in the nation’s founding may be more than just rumours. And of course the stories about the chickens that hide amongst these proud people dressed in human guise are all fact based accounts.
All background incidents in this story are real. In the 1730’s and 1740’s large numbers of chickens did hold a Rendez-vous among the black flies and the poison ivy. In 1821 there was a great convocation at Fort Four Seasons that saw 10,000 chickens gather and form a treaty with the government of the day. And in 1864, led by Colonel Harland Sanders, there was a large scale massacre of chickens that is considered one of our nation’s most finger licking good tragedies. That same year did see the openings of eating establishments devoted solely to the consumption of chicken. And these restaurants would bring the need for a nation… a nation that would one day be called Fernbrook Resort.
And what follows is the history of that nation.
It’s a big story, about the people, and the chickens, that helped to make Fernbrook Resort the nation that it is... about the land that made the people and the chickens, what they are… and it’s a story about time. Not just as a record. But as a reminder. A reminder that during the few years allotted to each of us, that we are the Guardians of Fernbrook Resort. That we are at once the custodians of our heritage and the caretakers of our future. So sit back and enjoy the adventure that is the history of Fernbrook Resort.
Hellooo… I’m your guide… and that patch of marshy ground infested with blackflies, poison ivy and potholes that you’ve heard so much about is home to a tiny nation known to the rest of the world as Fernbrook Resort. And those gifts, blackflies, poison ivy and potholes, are the proud symbols of the Fernbrook nation. They have been here forever. And they symbolize both our nation’s strength and our freedom.
I supposssse the primary goal in telling you this story is to ask us, you and me, if you are aware of what is happening right now in this land that we love, this Resort that we depend upon for life. This mini-series is not fiction and its characters and scenes are not imaginary. Once upon a time there were many Native Americans in this area – people whose names are no longer acknowledged because we’re told that we can’t call them Indians. Too, came many religious refugees from the cities and suburbs just like those described in this story. And wayward indentured servants and escaped slaves are thought to have passed through downtown Fernbrook on their way to someplace with fewer cats. Rumours of alien involvement in the nation’s founding may be more than just rumours. And of course the stories about the chickens that hide amongst these proud people dressed in human guise are all fact based accounts.
All background incidents in this story are real. In the 1730’s and 1740’s large numbers of chickens did hold a Rendez-vous among the black flies and the poison ivy. In 1821 there was a great convocation at Fort Four Seasons that saw 10,000 chickens gather and form a treaty with the government of the day. And in 1864, led by Colonel Harland Sanders, there was a large scale massacre of chickens that is considered one of our nation’s most finger licking good tragedies. That same year did see the openings of eating establishments devoted solely to the consumption of chicken. And these restaurants would bring the need for a nation… a nation that would one day be called Fernbrook Resort.
And what follows is the history of that nation.
It’s a big story, about the people, and the chickens, that helped to make Fernbrook Resort the nation that it is... about the land that made the people and the chickens, what they are… and it’s a story about time. Not just as a record. But as a reminder. A reminder that during the few years allotted to each of us, that we are the Guardians of Fernbrook Resort. That we are at once the custodians of our heritage and the caretakers of our future. So sit back and enjoy the adventure that is the history of Fernbrook Resort.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario – The Epic Mini-Series of the History of a Canine Ruled Nation
Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario – The Epic Mini-Series of the History of a Canine Ruled Nation
The Secrets of Fernbrook Resort has received thousands of reads. And not only has its compelling narrative gained a strong following across Canada, the United States and with Justin Bieber’s legal team but the true story of a dog ruled mobile home nation increasingly under the influence of a flock of chickens has also gained a measure of popularity in France, the Ukraine, Poland and Germany. And a readership in nations as diverse as Vietnam, Nigeria, Russia, the Philippines, Romania, India and Sweden as well.
Giving rise to many kudos…
Barack Obama of the United States wrote, "What makes The Secrets of Fernbrook Resort better than the Life of Pi is that it’s true. I can’t wait to find out what happens next!!!"
Harry Potter of the United Kingdom asked: "I would much rather face Lord Voldemort than a flock of chickens… this is truly scary…"
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of ISIS writes, "Why don’t you lay off the Justin Bieber jokes before you hurt his feelings?"
Boko Haram of Nigeria said, "These chickens are my kind of people!"
Kim Jong-un of North Korea writes, "Ha ha ha we got our Internet connection (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/fernbrook-resort-freelton-implicated-in.html) back Fernbrook Resort. I’m going to eat your dog of a Lord Mayor on the Day of Songun our nation’s most prestigious holiday."
And questions…
Where can I find out more about the history of Fernbrook Resort? How did it get its name? Where did the ‘people’ of this tiny dog-ruled nation come from?
Well, these questions are about to be answered. Starting tomorrow an epic multi-night mini-series revealing the history of the historic Fernbrook Resort nation begins. Commented esteemed crtic Roger Ebert after watching the series, "This is a spectacle that will make the television adaptation of a James Clavell novel look like a thirty-second commercial for Rolaids."
So open up your laptops, pull up your computer chairs and crack open your dime bags for the mini series event of 2015: Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario - The History of the Canine Ruled Nation
NOTE - For reasons that remain unclear, Justin Bieber’s lawyers have made repeated requests that this mini-series be edited in such a manner as to obscure Mr. Bieber’s connection to Fernbrook Resort. ‘Failure to do so,’ they have warned, ‘will result in the revival of Mr. Beieber’s alleged music career.’ Yeah… well… good luck with that was our candid response.
The Secrets of Fernbrook Resort has received thousands of reads. And not only has its compelling narrative gained a strong following across Canada, the United States and with Justin Bieber’s legal team but the true story of a dog ruled mobile home nation increasingly under the influence of a flock of chickens has also gained a measure of popularity in France, the Ukraine, Poland and Germany. And a readership in nations as diverse as Vietnam, Nigeria, Russia, the Philippines, Romania, India and Sweden as well.
Giving rise to many kudos…
Barack Obama of the United States wrote, "What makes The Secrets of Fernbrook Resort better than the Life of Pi is that it’s true. I can’t wait to find out what happens next!!!"
Harry Potter of the United Kingdom asked: "I would much rather face Lord Voldemort than a flock of chickens… this is truly scary…"
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of ISIS writes, "Why don’t you lay off the Justin Bieber jokes before you hurt his feelings?"
Boko Haram of Nigeria said, "These chickens are my kind of people!"
Kim Jong-un of North Korea writes, "Ha ha ha we got our Internet connection (http://fernbrookresort.blogspot.ca/2014/12/fernbrook-resort-freelton-implicated-in.html) back Fernbrook Resort. I’m going to eat your dog of a Lord Mayor on the Day of Songun our nation’s most prestigious holiday."
And questions…
Where can I find out more about the history of Fernbrook Resort? How did it get its name? Where did the ‘people’ of this tiny dog-ruled nation come from?
Well, these questions are about to be answered. Starting tomorrow an epic multi-night mini-series revealing the history of the historic Fernbrook Resort nation begins. Commented esteemed crtic Roger Ebert after watching the series, "This is a spectacle that will make the television adaptation of a James Clavell novel look like a thirty-second commercial for Rolaids."
So open up your laptops, pull up your computer chairs and crack open your dime bags for the mini series event of 2015: Fernbrook Resort Freelton Ontario - The History of the Canine Ruled Nation
NOTE - For reasons that remain unclear, Justin Bieber’s lawyers have made repeated requests that this mini-series be edited in such a manner as to obscure Mr. Bieber’s connection to Fernbrook Resort. ‘Failure to do so,’ they have warned, ‘will result in the revival of Mr. Beieber’s alleged music career.’ Yeah… well… good luck with that was our candid response.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Fernbrook Resort Freelton Cancels Spring – Blames Canadian Government & Justin Bieber for Climate Change
Fernbrook Resort Freelton Cancels Spring – Blames Canadian Government & Justin Bieber for Climate Change
In an unprecedented move the nation of Fernbrook Resort announced that Spring (the season) is being cancelled. And that Winter (a different season) would be prolonged for the foreseeable future.
Asked the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, "Do you know why we had to do this [cancel Spring]? Justin Bieber! The Canadian Government forced him to apologize for his embarrassing bad girl antics. And it was that apology for bad haircuts, questionable body art and for trying to pass off his off-key caterwauling as a music career, that caused Hell to freeze over. Completely. Which had an adverse affect on weather patterns over Greater Metropolitan Fernbrook."
The announcement caught the tiny dog-ruled nation’s population by surprise. But which was the bigger shock, that someone actually thought Justin Bieber could sing or that the weather was under government influence, was hard to tell.
Continued the flea-bitten Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, Doc Ballard, "Fact… you ever turn on the television or the radio and hear them talking about tomorrow’s weather? Or the weather for the day after that? How can anyone possibly predict future weather unless they already knew exactly what was going to happen. And that’s where the Government comes in. They’re telling those radio and TV shills what to say because they’re controlling the weather. That’s how they know about tomorrow’s temperature and pollen counts and and…" he trailed off.
When a reporter quizzed the Lord Mayor on climate change specifics, the mayor responded, "You want to talk about a changing climate? Last Thursday at 9 Central Time 8 Mountain I watched a Global TV two hour documentary on Shark-alanches. And the week prior to that it was Shark-nadoes. Now I’ve read the Bible five times and sure, it may have rained frogs a few times, but nowhere in the Bible does it mention Shark related weather events. How’s that for climate change? Curse you Stephen Harper!" he shouted and shook a tiny balled paw in the air.
When asked what reason there was for the Canadian Government to cause inclement weather the Lord Mayor replied, "to boost television ratings of weather related entertainment programming, to increase consumption of home heating fuels and to help a flagging insurance industry whose premiums have fallen in a less than robust economy."
Asked that if Justin Bieber were to recant his apology, if that might fix the weather, the Lord Mayor smiled sadly and said knowingly "Do you want Summer to get cancelled as well?"
In an unprecedented move the nation of Fernbrook Resort announced that Spring (the season) is being cancelled. And that Winter (a different season) would be prolonged for the foreseeable future.
Asked the Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, "Do you know why we had to do this [cancel Spring]? Justin Bieber! The Canadian Government forced him to apologize for his embarrassing bad girl antics. And it was that apology for bad haircuts, questionable body art and for trying to pass off his off-key caterwauling as a music career, that caused Hell to freeze over. Completely. Which had an adverse affect on weather patterns over Greater Metropolitan Fernbrook."
The announcement caught the tiny dog-ruled nation’s population by surprise. But which was the bigger shock, that someone actually thought Justin Bieber could sing or that the weather was under government influence, was hard to tell.
Continued the flea-bitten Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, Doc Ballard, "Fact… you ever turn on the television or the radio and hear them talking about tomorrow’s weather? Or the weather for the day after that? How can anyone possibly predict future weather unless they already knew exactly what was going to happen. And that’s where the Government comes in. They’re telling those radio and TV shills what to say because they’re controlling the weather. That’s how they know about tomorrow’s temperature and pollen counts and and…" he trailed off.
When a reporter quizzed the Lord Mayor on climate change specifics, the mayor responded, "You want to talk about a changing climate? Last Thursday at 9 Central Time 8 Mountain I watched a Global TV two hour documentary on Shark-alanches. And the week prior to that it was Shark-nadoes. Now I’ve read the Bible five times and sure, it may have rained frogs a few times, but nowhere in the Bible does it mention Shark related weather events. How’s that for climate change? Curse you Stephen Harper!" he shouted and shook a tiny balled paw in the air.
When asked what reason there was for the Canadian Government to cause inclement weather the Lord Mayor replied, "to boost television ratings of weather related entertainment programming, to increase consumption of home heating fuels and to help a flagging insurance industry whose premiums have fallen in a less than robust economy."
Asked that if Justin Bieber were to recant his apology, if that might fix the weather, the Lord Mayor smiled sadly and said knowingly "Do you want Summer to get cancelled as well?"
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Money is Not the Medium for Exchange at Fernbrook Resort Freelton
Money is Not the Medium for Exchange at Fernbrook Resort Freelton
Back in the days of old there was no electronic money. No coins. No paper currency. Whenever you wanted to purchase something you had to lug around cows, chickens, vats of coleslaw and blocks of limburger cheese to settle your tab.
Which made paying for things a real hassle.
Imagine being offered 12 chickens, 3 cows and 6 pounds of cheese for the hand of your daughter in marriage. Is that a deal? Or an insult? I guess it would depend on the type of daughter you have.
Fortunately, since those olden days of the late 1940’s, humanity has developed a standardized system of barter. Today, instead of offering some random combination of livestock and dairy products as payment, one can merely say, "How’s a hundred bucks for your daughter sound?" To which you might reply, "Fine. And for that price I’ll throw in the wife… and you might as well cart off my mother-in-law as well."
Now that my friends is a deal.
For someone at least.
However in the tiny dog ruled nation of Fernbrook Resort there are reports that currency is no longer king. It seems like they’ve stopped accepting all manner of payment where cash is the medium for exchange.
Take rent for instance, since the last regime change a couple of years ago now you can stand and waive money… but because of their distaste of the commonness of money – you get shunned. They turn and show you a backside. And trust me, it’s the kind of backside that you really don’t want to see.
Though rent isn’t the only bill that Fernbrook Resort does not accept money for. They’ve stopped accepting cash payment for property taxes. It’s in the neighborhood of four years since any of us have received a property tax bill. If they would just tell me how many cows we owed them we would pay them.
And it’s been over a year since any one here has received an electricity bill. Though maybe they’ll start billing us when they turn it back on for more than three hours at a stretch. Are we the North Korea of the Western World?
Now if they don’t want our cash then I’m quite willing to pay my bills with cheese or chickens or whatever. But wait a sec… what happens if I overpay a bill and my ‘change’ ends up being a tub of coleslaw and someone’s mother-in-law?
Take my money.
Please.
Back in the days of old there was no electronic money. No coins. No paper currency. Whenever you wanted to purchase something you had to lug around cows, chickens, vats of coleslaw and blocks of limburger cheese to settle your tab.
Which made paying for things a real hassle.
Imagine being offered 12 chickens, 3 cows and 6 pounds of cheese for the hand of your daughter in marriage. Is that a deal? Or an insult? I guess it would depend on the type of daughter you have.
Fortunately, since those olden days of the late 1940’s, humanity has developed a standardized system of barter. Today, instead of offering some random combination of livestock and dairy products as payment, one can merely say, "How’s a hundred bucks for your daughter sound?" To which you might reply, "Fine. And for that price I’ll throw in the wife… and you might as well cart off my mother-in-law as well."
Now that my friends is a deal.
For someone at least.
However in the tiny dog ruled nation of Fernbrook Resort there are reports that currency is no longer king. It seems like they’ve stopped accepting all manner of payment where cash is the medium for exchange.
Take rent for instance, since the last regime change a couple of years ago now you can stand and waive money… but because of their distaste of the commonness of money – you get shunned. They turn and show you a backside. And trust me, it’s the kind of backside that you really don’t want to see.
Though rent isn’t the only bill that Fernbrook Resort does not accept money for. They’ve stopped accepting cash payment for property taxes. It’s in the neighborhood of four years since any of us have received a property tax bill. If they would just tell me how many cows we owed them we would pay them.
And it’s been over a year since any one here has received an electricity bill. Though maybe they’ll start billing us when they turn it back on for more than three hours at a stretch. Are we the North Korea of the Western World?
Now if they don’t want our cash then I’m quite willing to pay my bills with cheese or chickens or whatever. But wait a sec… what happens if I overpay a bill and my ‘change’ ends up being a tub of coleslaw and someone’s mother-in-law?
Take my money.
Please.
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