Fernbrook Resort Freelton Phone Lines and Mail Bags Jammed with Requests Not to be Acknowledged

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Phone Lines and Mail Bags Jammed with Requests Not to be Acknowledged

Fernbrook Resort Freelton has
been flooded with mail. 

It recently came to light that some Fernbrook Resort nationals were asking others not to talk to, acknowledge or otherwise communicate with certain undesirable neighbors.

For those who might not know an undesirable neighbor may be one who reads books, who might wash their clothes using Tide™ laundry detergent or could be someone who prefers eating dangerous square waffles over the socially acceptable round safety waffle. The decision to shun someone can be a capricious as that. Yup, that’s all it takes to get your name put on the Fernbrook Resort ‘Do Not Acknowledge List’ and get yourself ignored.

When some Fernbrook Resort citizens found out about the childish requests they were both embarrassed and outraged. Some even inquired as to how they might get their names placed on such a list. Loudly envying those who had somehow managed to score a coveted slot on the registry.

And when the International community found out about the immature behaviour being practiced and promulgated by many citizens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, the tiny nation scored first place on the United Nations Adolescent Index.

Seth Rogen prays to God
that his name willbe placed
on Fernbrook Resort's
"Do Not Acknowledge List!"

But that wasn’t all.

When Fernbrook Resort threatened to ignore the world, the United Nations politely thanked the tiny dog-ruled nation. Then declared a world holiday.

In the ensuing days the tiny dumbstruck nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton has been flooded with requests from individuals the world over begging to be ignored by Fernbrook Resort and its citizens. Phone lines have been jammed twenty-four hours non-stop. Mountains of mail are piling up. With requests ranging from entire Kindergarten classes to convicted felons to the ever popular Seth Rogen.

Strangely Rogen's close friend and confidante, James Franco, has refused to join the list. Said Franco, "I wish people would talk to me. But no one seems to want to... hey, where you going? I'm not done yet... Hey... you... "  

Said Fernbrook Resort bureaucrat Millard Wetnap, “I don’t think that this was a well thought out policy by our nation’s leaders. The way it’s going soon the only people we’ll have to talk to will be our neighbors. And boy will that ever suck…”

Fernbrook Resort bureaucrat Millard Wetnap,
"What were our nation's leaders thinking?'

But it gets better. Not only are individuals and groups making requests but after highly public votes entire cities such as Bastardstown, Port Circumcision, Athol, Punkydoodles Corners and St. Louis have requested that all their residents be placed on the Fernbrook Resort “Do Not Acknowledge List”.

As well, several provinces of China, fourteen US States, eleven Indian states, seven Canadian provinces – the requests go on and on… all have requested that all of their residents names be placed on Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s “Do Not Acknowledge List”.

And now some nations are getting in on the act – with one notable exception: the feline haven nation of greater metropolitan Millgrove.

Millgrove's Lord Mayor Vern Bigglesworth:
"Ha ha ha ha meow!"

Said the democratically elected Lord Mayor of Millgrove Vern Bigglesworth, “We know that the dog feces throwing nation of Fernbrook Resort wants us to ask to be put on their ‘Do Not Acknowledge List’… so we’re not going to ask. Just to piss them off. Ha ha ha ha meow ha ha ha ha meow. Come and get us Fernbrook Resort Freelton, we’re waiting for you,” the Lord Mayor yowled gleefully in response to Fernbrook Resort’s almost daily threat to assault Millgrove.

The Great & Powerful Rooster Has a Feather in Every Fernbrook Resort Freelton Pot

Ever Clever Rooster Has a Feather in Every Fernbrook Resort Freelton Pot

Friendly Fernbrook Resort Freelton
gets new parking signs.

Constant readers of the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort Freelton have been following the saga of earth’s cleverest chicken and his featherbrained flock as they orchestrate a campaign of bullying and harassment in their efforts to turf a neighboring family who does not have what it takes to be a chicken.

When the Great and Powerful
Rooster crows everybody listens.
Or else! 

Rooster’s latest edict was that no Fernbrook Resort citizen may park their vehicle in front of the home of the undesirable neighbor that they are desperately searching for grounds to evict. Naturally every Fernbrook Resort Freelton boy, the good, the ole and the bad, obeyed their liege leader and superior in intellect. However Rooster has since relented and is now permitting Fernbrook Resort citizens to park in their regular parking spots. So long as they stick their heads up Rooster's ass and massage his internal organs quite liberally. Which the Fernbrook Resort boys, the good, the ole and the bad, did. Afterall Rooster is their superior in every way and they must obey his every command. 

And do you recall the tale of the Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder? One of Rooster’s chicken livered followers was overheard loudly laughing at the poor plight of the Fernbrook Resort resident who stepped in dog feces and then smeared it all over their car mats and floor pedals. Rooster was appauled at this behaviour because the undesirable neighbours might hear. So Rooster ordered the little chicken with the appauling manners to shut up. Which his spineless follower immediately did. And then as a means of apology he stuck his head up Rooster's ass and massaged his internal organs quite liberally. Because when Rooster crows the spineless obey.   

True fact: Did you know that a chicken with no spine is also called a boneless chicken. We already know that Rooster is a boneless chicken. But a boneless chicken of a different variety if you catch the drift. I guess that makes his better half boneless as well.

Additionally Rooster and his crew are planning another heist. They’ve been in a neighbor’s toolshed and spotted a bunch of screwdrivers, wrenches, hammers etc. that they are currently planning to steal. These tools are actually worthless. And Rooster knows it. The sole reason for the theft is to inconvenience the neighbor.

Can anyone say “Cheeeeeeeese!”   

"I invented the internet...
and the safety waffle!!"

So that’s the latest news – though there is one more thing.

Rooster, the chickens of Fernbrook Resort and many non-combatants are very well aware of this detailed catalogue of harassment that is being published on the internet for the world to read. As well, the management and employees of Fernbrook Resort Freelton are aware of this detailed record. But the neighbors that are being harassed, bullied and targeted for eviction are not. I doubt they have internet access. Maybe they don’t even know that Al Gore has invented the internet.

Law cat says, "who cares about bringing
home the bacon when there's chicken
to be had?"

As a result of this knowledge this record may have some value if events continue at their present pace AND the neighbors learn the identities of the chicken like harassers.

But it gets more interesting, not only would the harassers be subject to criminal and civil action but so could the landlord, management and employees (both current and former).

It works like this, if a tenant (or tenants) are being harassed by another tenant (or tenants) the owner of the property and all employees are held responsible if they knew of the harassment (etc.) and participated, if they knew of the harassment and did nothing or if they should have known and did nothing. And since the management and employees of Fernbrook resort Freelton have publicly acknowledged this internet catalogue of harassment (etc.) and the identity of Rooster and have done nothing - a financial setback could be coming to the once proud nation overrun by chickenkind.  

Especially if the neighbor were to claim personal injury, discrimination, intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligent infliction of emotional distress, tortuous interference, the tort of outrage, pain and suffering, compensator damages, punitive damages, mental anguish, impaired earning power, loss of esteem, loss of enjoyment… you get the point. Spend a Saturday afternoon with a lawyer discussing this record and some photographic footage and you get the idea.   

Obviously Rooster and his flock could be subject to criminal charges and civil penalties. But as the ownership/management/employees of Fernbrook Resort are also aware of the bullying, harassment, vandalism etc and are clearly doing nothing not only is Fernbrook Resort responsible (as a legal entity) but so its employees can be held personally responsible. It’s called joint and several liability.

The Luring & Procuring of Children: the New Pastime at Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

The Luring & Procuring of Children: the New Pastime at Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

Rooster is not only Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s most intelligent resident he is also the tiny pariah nation’s most popular and personable personality. As a result he is the kind of chicken that can get away with murder. Not literally. At least not yet. But mischief. Malicious hen pecking lie filled gossip. Or, in this allegation, the luring and procuring of children.

But all are afraid to go up against this chicken because he is the great and powerful Rooster. And nothing is more important in this world than being popular. Though if you’re not popular, you can be by associating with those who are popular. Rooster. Basking in reflected glory is the proper terminology. Becoming one of his flock.

And in this latest installment of the Secrets of Fernbrook Resort the plot revolves around reinvigorated attempts at a pair of thefts – one of which utilizes children.

THE FIRST THEFT

The first allegation is an on again/off again theft that centers on a neighbor’s personal computer. And Rooster’s alleged plan is to use Fernbrook Resort minors to snare it. That’s right. Rooster and his flock are grooming children to rob Fernbrook Resort homes. Their plan is to get kids to go in through tiny home windows and pass stuff out to him and his featherbrained followers or else get kids inside to open the door to allow them access.

And how are they luring and procuring the kids.

Rooster is using his kids to befriend and lure other kids over to his home. Then the prospects are softened up and groomed. He has one girl and one boy picked out, the boy ha said ‘I can do it’. Evan though this is illegal, worse than being illegal it is sad. Just sad. Luring children. And he’s arranging for kids so he can claim plausible deniability. What is happening to Fernbrook Resort Freelton? Has it now become the perverted child luring and procuring capital of the western world?

But of course you can’t say anything about this message because at Fernbrook Resort they shoot the messenger.

But after the fact, if and when this does go down, a lot is going to be said. You don’t think the police use the internet?

THE SECOND THEFT         

And the allegation of second theft? For quite some time now Rooster has been wanting to get his neatly pedicured claws on a neighbor’s possessions. However he’s too chicken to go it alone. And his crew keeps dropping out. But, now, finally, this chicken has been bragging that he has a new flock willing to help him out. They just need the proper opportunity and it’s a go he’s loudly declared to all. A little too loudly unfortunately.    

Which is great.

Because we all know that the police will never catch someone as smart as Rooster. Anyone smart enough to procure children or announce intended crimes can certainly fool the police.  

The thing about Fernbrook Resort Freelton is that it is a very isolated nation. So isolated that thefts don’t happen by random chance, some passerby seizing an opportunity. At Fernbrook Resort Freelton thefts are perpetrated only by the people who reside there.

Which narrows the possible suspects for the police to about 120 families and their guests.

StatsCan tells us that the overwhelming majority of thefts are committed by males.

Which reduces the number of suspects for the police by about fifty percent.

Most thefts are committed by the eighteen to fifty-five year old male crowd.

Which reduces the number of suspects for the police by another forty percent (approx.) based on Fernbrook Resort’s male population.

Since Rooster has bragged about exactly what he plans to steal that means he has to be in sight of the property. For two reasons. One, at some time he has seen the merchandise enter the bounds of the property. Two, he has to know when the neighbor is home and not home, their schedule. So an absence can be quickly seized upon and utilized.

Which leaves perhaps twenty homes max based on a map of the land. So the thieves will be Male Fernbrook Resort nationals between the ages of eighteen and fifty-five, at least some of whom will have sightlines on the home and property they are casing. Any others involved will be associates of these.

But there is one other thing.

What Rooster and his flock plan on stealing is of large quantity that is heavy. Which means that they will need a larger vehicle.

Which further narrows the logical choices the police have as suspects.

And what they want to steal would create some noise in the taking. Homes here are jammed so closely together that even if you couldn’t see the theft you very likely would hear it. But here Rooster has some help as the average citizen of Fernbrook Resort does  not have a conscience. I.E. if they knew a theft was to occur or was occurring and they didn’t like the victim neighbor then they would just turn a blind eye (Evan if it involved the procuring of young children). 

So that just leaves the police.

Though if the police couldn’t solve it I’m sure some extremely friendly families in Woodbridge would.

Because whether you’re a knucklehead of a Rooster, the friend of a knucklehead Rooster or you just ride a knucklehead you well know that Rooster has been advised to keep his distance from this neighbor. But this knucklehead of a chicken simply refuses to do so. As a result he, his family and his followers will end up paying a price that they never knew was part of the cost.    

Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder Afflicts Dog Population of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder Afflicts Dog Population of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

The horribly embarassing result of Canine Obsessive Compulsve Feces Disorder

One of the neighbors at Fernbrook Resort Freelton has a problem.

The problem?

The Neighbours: their identies are being
hidden in order that their lawn and shoes be protected

Well, for several mornings of late, around their vehicle, they have been finding dog feces scattered quite liberally near to the driver’s door. At first they thought it was just happenstance. But day after day, after cleaning it up, the next morning there was a new delivery. So it hardly seems coincidence.

When my neighbors mentioned the problem to me I suggested that they speak with His Royal Worship the Earl of Purina and the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort the Venerable Doc Ballard. Which they thought to be a splendid suggestion. 

Will the contents of this jar
cure Canine OCD? Come back next
week for the exciting answer!
' 

And of course His Worship was quite sympathetic to the plight, "though there is absolutley nothing that can be done about it at this moment," he grinned malevolently," for the problem you describe is better known as Canine Obsessive Compulsive Feces Disorder. And it is quite serious. A dog does not want to scatter fresh feces around the driver's door of your vehicle but it feels compelled to do so. To cause you maximm discomfort. It's just the way their brains are hardwired. It's a mental condition. But a mental condition that famous physicians like Dr. Kildare and Dr. Pepper are working hard to fix."

Dr. Patty Pepper: "Is that putz Dr. Kildare
giving patients 7-UP? That'll kill them!"

"Working hard to fix," my neighbors enquired thoughtfully, "Is there anything that we can do to help? Because the problem of frequent canine bowel discharges around your vehicle and then stepping inside that same vehicle and getting crap all over your pedals and floor mats really stinks."
    

"Ha ha ha ha," barked Doc Ballard with real glee sounding in his voice, "Yes, it does stink. Fortunately for you you can always wash you car. But some unlucky canines are forced to wake up to this problem every day. That's seven times a day to you human meatsacks with your 24 hour days. But we are working on a cure. However that cure requires regular cash injections. So long as the cash is in small unmarked bills placed in an envelope behind the furnace on the first floor."

"You need money?" they asked questioningly.

"Give generously or else you
better watch where you step!"

"What? Do I have a stutter?" barked the Lord Mayor with a grin, "Yes I need money. Charity starts at home. And since my home is Fernbrook Resort Freelton so I'm starting a charity to combat canine OCD. And what better way to combat this disease then with a big screen television, designer dog collars... or a trip to the Canis Islands. So make sure you give generously. Or else you better watch where you step. And don't be wasting my time sending cheques either. Just cash. Small unmarked bills. Twenties and fifities only. Anything smaller means you just don't care. And anything larger might bring attention from the feds. And that's the last thing we want around here. The Feds."      

"But it's still tax deductible? Right?"

"Give me your valuables and you
won't get hurt!"

"Hey, Einstein, if you're only donating to charity to get a tax break then how is that being charitable," you human meatsacks always think of yourselves. Bad Humans! Bad! BAD!! You really don't care about dogs... or the unique mental challenges that we face. And I'm going to tell everyone exactly that if you don't empty your purses and wallets onto my desk. And I want your jewelry too. And that watch. Is that a Rolex?"     

Of course it was a Rolex. And feeling more than a bit chagrined they complied without protest. 

Though they swore to me that when they left they were more than certain that they could hear His Worship humming "We're in the money, We're in the money," under his breath.

Questions of Color Continue to Dog Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Questions of Color Continue to Dog Fernbrook Resort Freelton



Little Tommy Peststrip relaxes with his pet chicken 'Pall'.



“Momma,” lisped little Tommy Peststrip proudly, “I hates brack fries”

Brunhilda Peststrip searching for any
black flies in her neighborhood 

“It’s pronounced black flies,” corrected his mother Brunhilda Peststrip, “and I hate black flies too!”

Though it isn’t just black flies that tick off the nation of Fernbrook Resort – many in the pigmentation sensitive nation also turn up their noses at black ants, black sunflower stem weevils, black peach aphids, black twig borers, black potter wasps, black earwigs, black army cutworms, black tail bumblebees, black fungus beetles… the list it seems is endless.

In a world where the pigmentation of one’s outer skin, exo-skeleton or outer covering has become increasingly meaningless, in Fernbrook Resort Freelton it’s just the opposite. Colour is everything. If you’re not the right colour then you’re just not welcome.

From earliest infancy the nation’s youth are taught to avoid flies and other insects simply because they aren’t the right hue. That education continues in the nation’s many one room schoolhouses where black flies are banned. And on to adulthood where black flies are neither seen nor heard. In fact citizens are known to complain when they see these non-white figures travelling public thoroughfares.

“Hey,” defended Jethro Bushwhacker, “that makes us sound like we is all a bunch of no account no gooders... But we’s all like da blackfaced leafhopper.”

Jethro Bushwacker, "blackfaced insects are fine by me!"

Though that may be because they think that blackface is simply makeup – i.e. the makeup used by a nonblack performer playing a black role.

Martin Luther Tsetse

Martin Luther Tsetse president of National Association for the Advancement of Equality Among All Regardless of the Colouring or Pigmentation of their Outer Skin, Exo-Skelton, Scales, Feathers or Other Covering (NAFTAOEAAROTCOPOTOSESSFOOC for short) has long and loudly lamented the inequality and downright racism that secretly lives in the cotton picking nation of Fernbrook Resort.

Said Tsetse, “I dream of a day when all insects will be hated equally, a day when we will all be judged solely on the conduct of our character and the content of our soul and not by the crude comments and petty prejudices of a few unenlghtened souls." 

His Worship the Lord Mayor Doc Ballard:
"fewer black flies mean more business, its
simple economics!" 

The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort, Doc Ballard, has this to say about Tsetse’s statement, “the head of NAFTAOEAAROTCOPOTOSESSFOOC said what? I don’t know what he’s been drinking but if he keeps spouting of with these outlandish statements he’s going to end up being swatted. Or else exiled to Millgrove. Screw you Millgrove we’re coming for you!” he barked excitedly as he began to run in a circle and chase his tail.

Flooding Closes Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Louvre & MOMA Museums

Flooding Closes Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Famous Louvre & MOMA Museums

Fernbrook Resort's
famed 'Louvre'.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s famed Louvre Museum (named after the fancy window coverings ‘Louver’ and not the famed French Museum of similar pronunciation) and the Museum of Macaroni Art (MOMA) have both been closed so their priceless pieces of ‘art’ can be moved into danger amid the threat of flooding from the nearby Biere River.

Museum of Macaroni Art or 'MOMA'

You heard correctly, the Louvre and MOMA will remain closed so that staff may move the many pictures of macaroni art, paper doodles and finger painting closer to the water in hopes that the rising tides will destroy the ‘artwork’ and the nation can claim the insurance money – rumoured to be in excess of $40.

Fears that the flooding would not damage the works of art prompted the closures so that the art could be moved closer to the water’s edge.

Louvre Docent Michel Angelo said that “many were concerned that the art would not be destroyed hence the need to close the museum and move the pictures directly into harm’s way.”

The so-called artwork in Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Louvre Museum is so horrendous that it has caused eyeball implosions, spontaneous blindness and is a well known cure for the dreaded hiccups.

Said MOMA employee Pablo Arteasel, “they should have burned this crap years ago, it sure would have been easier than lugging it down to the water.”

'Mona Linda'

'Fernbrook Resort Gothic'

Some of the works rumoured to be destroyed include the famed macaroni portraits ‘Mona Linda’ and ‘Whistler’s Step-Mother’ as well as 'Fernbrook Resort Gothic' and a group of horribly worthless finger paintings by the 1979 2^nd grade class at the Sherlock Holmes Elementary School. 

“Once we have moved all the art we can only pray,” commented Fernbrook Resort’s Director of Wall Coverings Thomas Footfall, “that God will have mercy on us and destroy these horrible eyesores once and for all.”

 

The weather forecast for the next three days calls for sunny weather.

There’s One Diller of a Busybody at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

There’s One Diller of a Busybody at Fernbrook Resort Freelton



There's nothing left to be said.



Apparently there’s one Diller of a busybody at Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

Yup.



Fernbrook Resort's Ministry for State
Security or 'Stasi' hard at work
keeping the resort safe. 



This neighbor Busybody has been keeping an eye on a certain undesirable neighbor. Recording what they place in and around their home. And what sort of noises they make (an upcoming edition of Secret of Fernbrook Resort will deal with the noise issues). But not only is this busybody keeping three eyes open… this Busybody is also asking others to do the same.

Arrogantly so.

"Guess what Hun? If we tell stories about
our neighboirs it makes us superior
to them."

Yeah, this citizen is so arrogant that they were overheard asking Neighbor X to monitor Neighbor Undesirable. All while Neighbor Undesirable was standing less than eighteen feet away. And could overhear the entire conversation. Neighbor Busybody is trying to build a case to get Neighbor Undesirable removed from Fernbrook Resort.

How Superior is that? How Pompous? How Persnickety? How arrogant is that? That they have such a high opinion of themselves and such a low opinion of the neighbor that they would work on getting the neighbor evicted while Neighbor Undesirable was in listening distance.

But you know what’s even worse?

That this Diller of a Busybody continues to play nice to Neighbor Undesirable’s face. While silently sticking numerous knives of hate in their back.

I wonder…

 



"If you're nice to a neighbor's
face then they can't get mad
when you stab them in the back -
because that would be rude!"



I wonder what could scar a person so horribly and so deeply that it would make them act in such a hideously ugly fashion. Because whatever caused these scars, these scars now run so ugly and so deep that they run straight into that person’s soul. Assuming that they even have a soul. Or even a conscience. For these scars have turned that person into a two-faced Diller of a busybody. These scars run so deep that they cause the bearer to maliciously stab someone in the back who has never done them a bit of harm. Or even sent an unkind word, or thought, in their direction. These are scars that run so deeply that they may in fact manifest themselves outwardly both in shameful actions and in appearance.

May God have mercy on their soul.

--------------------------------

You, some may wonder why a story such as this is even necessary. Time will reveal the answer to this publically accurate record.

Meanwhile, there is a war coming to Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

The side that has been patient and tolerant has had their patience and tolerance worn so thin that it has finally worn through and wore out.  



Fernbrook Resort's soon to be
new mascot needs a name!



Even if Rooster and his chicken-hearted friends were to ask for quarter, (which they would never do, pride goeth before the fall) there is none to be given. That cupboard is now bare.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Citizens Respond to United Nations Immaturity Index Vote Results

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Citizens Respond to United Nations Immaturity Index Vote Results



"Fernbrook Resort doesn't want you!"
confirms a famous poster found across the nation.  



In a recent vote held by the United Nations Economic and Social Council the crybaby rich nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton was voted earth’s most adolescent nation on the UN’s Immaturity Index.

Wondering how the nation’s citizens might react to receiving such a deserving title Secrets of Fernbrook resort went undercover to capture the mood of the nation.

Mindy McSnobbington: "Books are for
people too lazy to watch television."

Announced Mindy McSnobbington, “In a democratic society not only should we be able to drive on whichever side of the road we want whenever we want… we should also be able to choose with who we associate with or even who lives in our country.”

“Yeah,” agreed Tad Uppercrust the Third, “and we don’t want to have to see, talk to or associate with certain types of people.”

And what types of people might those be?

“People who refuse to indulge in small minded, petty or mean-spirited gossip,” answered Buffy Pompous-Persnickety. “I mean without gossip how can we prove who we’re better than?”

"My name confirms that I'm better than you are," states Chad Superior

“Yeah,” sympathized Chad Superior, “We’d just all be the same. And besides that, these people have been reading books. Lots of them. Instead of indulging in endless rounds of backstabbing untruths.” 

“Books?” what are those interrupted McSnobbington.

“Books… oh… you know… they’re like magazines but they have no pictures. Just pages filled with those black symbols,” answered Uppercrust.

“Ewww,” squealed Pompous-Persnickety, “I was given a book once but I cut my hand on one of the paper sheets inside. So I went to the hosipital to ask for a cast. But they told me to use some Bactine™ instead… I don’t even know what that is… I mean like I never went to doctoring school.”

Tad Uppercrust III: "Isn' it just about
time for Hee Haw?"

“But it’s more than just reading books,” noted Tad Uppercrust trying to put the topic back on track, “these people also do other things that are beneath us… things that people residing in a trailer park filled with their social and economic betters just should not do. These undesirables work on improving their homes… they refuse to walk around the park in the middle of the afternoon wearing their pajamas… they don’t watch reruns of the hit television series Hee-Haw®… I mean the list just goes on and on. Why should we have to put up with people like that?”

"Aren't books those things that cause diseases?"
asked Buffy Pompous-Persnickety

“We shouldn’t,” interjected Chad Superior, “that’s why if we all stand together we can get rid of these lowlifes and keep to the high moral standards that we have worked so long to build and maintain in Fernbrook Resort.”

Standards that keep out or else force out those unwilling to stoop to their low-life tactics and disingenuous behaviours.  

“Exactly,” chimed the foursome together, “that’s exactly the kind of people that we want in Fernbrook Resort Freelton. People who are every bit as disingenuous as we are.”

“Ummm,” asked Buffy Pompous-Persnickety, “does anyone know disingenuous means?”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Voted World’s Most Adolescent Nation by the United Nations

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Voted World’s Most Adolescent Nation by the United Nations

In a vote that shocked no one in its one-sidedness the juvenile nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton was ranked as earth’s most adolescent nation on the United Nation’s Immaturity Index. Every other nation on the planet tied for last place.

UN's Oh Joon presiding over the

recent Adolescent Index vote.

UN Economic and Social Council President Oh Joon explained the reason for the landslide vote. “I was visiting that whiny nation when a Fernbrook Resort citizen came up to me and asked me not to speak to another citizen, to acknowledge them or in any way to communicate with them. Frankly I was stunned at the puerile nature of the request… so I brought the issue back to the UN for discussion and a vote was held.”   

For those who don’t know Fernbrook Resort Freelton is a community comprised of many maturity stunted 'adults' whose crap smells infintely superior to their neighbors. In fact many Fernbrook Resort citizens spend hours smelling the asses and feces of each another. If your crap or your crack doesn’t pass the sniff test then folks just may not acknowledge you.

Lyndsay Bigheart: "I should move to a mature nation like North Korea!"



Though not every citizen of Fernbrook Resort participates in the childish behavior.

Lyndsay Bigheart said, “I was told that I shouldn’t speak to a certain neighbour and I thought what? What is Fernbrook Resort? A high school for emotionally stunted adults? I've got to get out of this snob factory and move to Millgrove.”

Ned Niceperson, "I am embarrassd to
say I live in Fernbrook Resort 

Ned Niceperson added, “as a mature adult I refused to lower myself to the immaturity of many of my fellow neighbors. I swear that Fernbrook resort is Hell's Waiting Room. May Satan have mercy in their souls as no doubt, God has given up on them.”

Samantha Sweetheart, "on the bright side it looks like they've graduated from tossing feces at each other, so maybe they're growing up a little."

Samantha Swetheart:
"maybe Fernbrook Resort is maturing?"



Ted Friendly : " I wish these people
wouldn't talk to me either!"



Ted Friendly, “when I heard about this obnoxious behaviour I thought to myself, that family is one bunch of lucky bastards... how the hell can I get these juveniles to stop talking to me? Is there a list I can put my name on?”

"ha ha ha ha ha," said an elated km Jung-Un



When North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un was infromed about the UN tally he started jumping up and down and clapping his hands while shouting, “ha ha ha ha we beat you Fernbrook Resort, you’re number one… at sucking… ha ha ha ha ha.”

Doc Ballard : 'my feces smells
April fresh even in May!



The Lord Mayor of Fernbrook Resort Doc Ballard was ask to comment on the vote held by the United Nations and he replied, “well, if that’s the way the world feels then we’re just not going to acknowledge them either!”

When the United Nations was informed of the Fernbrook Resort’s threat a new world holiday was declared to celebrate being put on Fernbrook Resort’s “Do Not Acknowledge List.”

If you wish to be put on Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s “Do Not Acknowledge List” just send a letter or phone them up (collect calls only please) with your name and pertinent details.