United Nations Secretary-General Antonio Guterres Weighs in On Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Great Chicken War

United Nations Secretary-General Antonio Guterres Weighs in On Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Great Chicken War

United Nations hosted Fernbrook Resort Freelton's Emissary of Chickens - the Great and powerful Rooster

After being plucked by His lawyer, the inestimable Monsieru Law Cat, Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Great and Powerful Rooster made a trip to New York, New York – the city they named twice to make sure everyone could find it on a map – to make a personal plea to the United Nations.

“Dear assembled nations of the world,” announced the Great and Powerful Rooster to a completely disinterested political body, “I come here not to be buried, but to be praised. For I have started a fight with the Undesirable Neighbours of the Popsicle Stick Chewing Nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton and now I come here seeking your support.”

The United Nation's may enact a ban against all Chicken-kind after being forced to suffer the Great and powerful Rooster.

“Well,” answered Secretary General Antonio Guterres, “to be perfectly frank the UN is against war. In all its forms.”

“Fernwood? What the heck is that?” asked the representative from Timor. “Because I’ve never even heard of a country call – “

  

“Shut up,” crowed Rooster, “Everyone just shut up. Okay! Now, Fernbrook Resort Freelton has an Undesirable Neighbour. Myself and the Forces of Chicken have been continually harassing them. Stealing and trespassing and vandalizing and teaching our dogs to do dodo’s on their lawn and lying and spreading malicious gossip about them. But these Undesirable Neighbours are so completely stupid,” the Great Rooster laughed out loud, “that they don’t even know that they aren’t desired. Talk about stupid…”

“Please, is this going anywhere?” asked Secretary-General Guterres.

Antonio Guterres: Proposes that the UN go on a chicken free diet.

“Oh, yes, of course it is your Secretary-Generalness,” replied Rooster loftily, “War broke out between the Chickens and the Undesirable Neighbours. And the Undesirable Neighbours have been fighting unfairly. They have been mocking us using an internet blog. And now people are laughing at me and my chicken friends. Making clucking noises and loudly crowing ur ur ur ur urrrrr… and… and… and things like that. Even kids are doing it. Whenever they see us. It’s not fair. We’re not the Undesirable ones. Embarrassing us is against the Geneva Convention. It’s making my feathers turn white. So, if you could just nuke them or something than ...”

My Undesirable Neighbour is making me less beautiful than previously indicated.

Interrupted Guterres, “First of all we don’t nuke anyone here at the United Nations and, secondly, the Geneva Convention only deals with non-combatants in times of war.”

“Exactly,” said Rooster, “we don’t want them to combat us. Because them embarrassing us and making me and my friends look petty and stupid is against war rules. So, if you could just nuke them now. Oh, and if you have any suing money than I would like that as well. I can wait here while you go get it.”

“Listen,” said an increasingly exasperated Antonio Guterres, “your actions amount to stabbing a neighbour in the back, repeatedly. And now the neighbour has turned to face you. And is repeatedly kicking you and your friends square in the balls. And instead of fighting back you and your friends all run away and cry boo hoo hoo hooo. The cowardly actions of you and your chicken friends make this entire body want to puke.”

“Hey,” croaked the Great and Powerful Rooster, “That’s not completely true. I don’t have any balls. I’m a chicken.”

“It’s true,” the Great and Powerful Rooster’s submissive Red Hen said as she jumped up to her mate’s defense. “Rooster has absolutely no balls. None whatsoever. Completely ball-less. Nothing.  Nada. Zilch. No action down there whatsoever. Completely impotent. That’s a flagpole that has never been erected.”      

“See,” said Rooster.

“Clearly there is nothing to see,” admitted the Secretary General of the United Nations with a tight smile.

“You got that right,” chirped Rooster.

“Oh,” added the Red Hen, “And Rooster’s friends have no balls either. I’ve spoken to their hens. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. No…”

“I think we all get the picture,” said Guterres, “Well, I would like to thank you for stopping by the United Nations… but I wouldn’t want to lie.”

“What?” asked the Great and Powerful Rooster.

“And no complimentary t-shirt for you either. And don’t touch the doughnuts and coffee either on your way out. No doughnuts,” Guterres added again firmly as he wagged his finger.

“They’re all stupid,” mumbled the Great and Powerful Rooster to his hen as he walked away, “Undesirable Neighbours, the UN, Monsieur Law Cat… all of them. I wish they’d all just move to Millgrove. Stupid Millgrove.”

“Shhh shhhh shhh,” His hen comforted Him, “We’ll get them. All of them. And they’ll we’ll get Millgrove too,” she said shaking her little wing in the air, “We’re coming for you Millgrove.”

A ball less Rooster and his Rhode Island Red.