“Hands Off Our Potholes!” - Pothole Thefts Outrage Government of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

"Hands Off Our Potholes!" - Pothole Thefts Outrage Government of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

The latest larceny in a string of pothole thefts has outraged Chester Williams head of the Fernbrook Resort Pothole Preservation Bureau.

Chester Williams head of the Fernbrook Resort Pothole Preservation Bureau

"I am outraged!" confirmed Mr. Williams in a recent interview with the New York Times.

When asked why he was outraged Mr. Williams screamed, "because those potholes belong to the government of Fernbrook Resort… they’re ours!" 
"But doesn’t removing a pothole cost the noticeably cash-strapped nation money? And so the removal of a potholes by unnamed individuals actually save the nation of Fernbrook Resort money?"

Chillaxing in a pothole
 

Always pothole dive with a friend! 

"Oh, I completely agree," said Williams nodding his head up and down, "but they’re our potholes. And you can’t allow people to steal something that has absolutely no value, whose removal without cost would save the nation money, to steal something whose absence would increase the nation’s value, or any combination of the three."


Fernbrook Resort Pothole Rescue Squad in Action

When it was pointed out that the removal of even one pothole (or any eyesore) served to significantly beautify the nation Williams agreed and said, "Yes, that is absolutely true… but they’re our potholes. If citizens are allowed to walk off with potholes then what’s next? Stealing trash from the sides of roads? The weeding of abandoned lots? We must nip this type of behaviour in the bud!"

"And wouldn’t the removal of potholes help the tourism trade? And so serve as a boost to a lagging national economy?"

"Oh, no doubt," Williams agreed again, "But they’re our potholes. And there are procedures for removing potholes."




Cleaning Clothes During Recent Water Shortage
 

When pushed to elaborate on the procedure involved in removing a potholes Williams said haughtily, "after receiving a request in writing the Pothole Preservation Bureau will study the issue for three to five years before we deny the request on the grounds that they are our potholes."

And if a citizen decides to remove a pothole of their own volition?

Fernbrook Resort Community Dog Wash

"We are a nation of laws and citizens must obey those laws ergo… no stealing."

When asked if the government can steal from citizens Mr. Williams confirmed, "Laws apply to people not to governments ergo it is not a crime for the government to take even a speck of dirt from a citizen."

And the penalties for the theft of potholes or the removal of other eyesores?

"Anyone caught removing potholes at their own expense, saving the nation money and/or beautifying the environment will have their citizenship in the grand nation of Fernbrook Resort permanently revoked. Why? Because respect for the law must override common sense! Citizens must remember that they’re our potholes."

Locals showoff for the Foreign Press