The Lord Mayor of the Grand Nation of Fernbrook Resort recently reached out to the Christian Science Monitor to request an interview in order that His Highness may clarify the remarks made by the recently fired head of the Fernbrook Resort Pothole Preservation Bureau, Chester Williams.
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| Fernbook Resort Lord Mayor Doc Ballard After Recent Makeover |
"Chester Williams is a cat person… which explains his remarks… remarks which I take great umbrage too. And when someone uses the word umbrage you know that they’re both angry AND that they have the time to access a Webster's DictionaryÔ to look for impressive synonyms for the word angry."
And those remarks?
"Williams said that the ‘Laws apply to people not to governments ergo it is not a crime to take even a speck of dirt from a citizen’ and that kind of ticked me off," said the Lord Mayor Doc Ballard.
When asked to elaborate Ballard replied tersely: "Williams made it seem like the law of the land is applied arbitrarily… and that’s not the case at all. The nation of Fernbrook Resort Freelton applies the laws capriciously… which is a big difference simply because it’s a lot more fun to do things capriciously as opposed to doing some thing arbitrarily."
Here the Lord Mayor once again thanked the good people at Webster's DictionaryÔ for the loan of the words arbitrarily and capriciously before giving an example of what it was that greatly amused him.
"Taxes. We charge citizens a monthly tax that is based on occupancy and which promises guaranteed twenty-four hour access to the amenities of the nation. Pools. Jacuzzi. Spa. Library. Hot tub… and so on…" and then the Lord Mayor laughed, "we don’t give them access to the amenities for the full day the law promises. Instead we give them twelve hours or so. And then to a broken hot tub. To an unheated pool… and to anything else that we can break and not fix. But do we reduce their taxes based on this restricted usage or downright denial? No."
And you find that amusing?
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| Un-amused Fernbrook Resort Citizen |
"Of course. We could fix broken amenities and we could have them available twenty-four hours a day but we choose not to simply because of the inconvenience it causes. And what are citizens going to do? Ask for a tax rebate? Ask for lower taxes? Go on a tax strike? No. They’ll do nothing. Which is even funnier. They know that the government is obligated to provide certain services and then they do nothing when we don’t provide them. AR-AR-AR-AROOOOOOO" the Lord Mayor howled with pleasure.
"And just wait until you see our next law – all citizens of Fernbrook Resort Freelton are going to be required to get a haircut that displays me in their hair. AR-AR-AR-AROOOOOOO" the Lord Mayor howled with pleasure once more.
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| Proposed Hairstyle for Citizens of Fernbrook Resort |
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