Gangs of Fernbrook Resort Freelton (directed by Martin Scorsese?) Murder? Robbery? And More?

Gangs of Fernbrook Resort Freelton (directed by Martin Scorsese?) Murder? Robberies? And More?

We never seem to question what happens in a dream. And then we wake up and it’s like… say what? So if this dream doesn’t make sense then don’t shoot the dreamer. You can leave that task to the gangs of Fernbrook Resort  

Now, in the dream the Gangs of Fernbrook Resort have momentarily put a murder for hire plot on the backburner in favour of a series of robberies.

The targets?

The first is a neighbor’s garden shed. One of those little deals that’s barely big enough to fit a lawn mower. Apparently the shed had something inside that attracted Rooster’s attention (something bright and shiny like the Lost Ark of the Covenant perhaps) so he wants it.

Of course Rooster would not be involved in the undertaking. Nope. Like always Rooster arranges for others to do his dirty work. Rooster’s plan is to be far away if and when the Joy-less Mickey mouse operation takes place. So that he has an airtight alibi. But would that really fool the police? Police may be a lot of things but dumb isn’t one of them.

So (still dreaming here) Rooster’s plan is to find someone locally hAndy to do the misdeed. And what might a hAndyman do with the criminal proceeds? A hAndyman mike err might buy something cheap from the local Tiffany store to impress his girl. Or a hAndyman mike err might take a trip to Cameron (in Africa). Third class of course, because unless that garden shed has gold in there you’re not going first class. Unless you’re traveling by paddy wagon to the local police station.

Weird I know but that’s a dream.

Target two in the dream is a neighbor with a computer.

Yeah, that’s right, allegedly Rooster wanted to inconvenience a neighbor by stealing their computer. Unfortunately the guy is a hermit and a crab who never leaves his trailer so the plan here is to wait until he goes to the clubhouse to take his monthly shower then walk in and grab the computer.

Wow. That’s even better planned then the big Brink’s job.

Question, So what do you do when you lose your computer? You go to the store, purchase a replacement and plug it in. Total time inconvenienced? A couple hours. And your insurance company cuts you a cheque for your loss.

Of course (still dreaming) Rooster wouldn’t be involved in this. Other than to be the lookout chicken. Rooster always suggests to others the deeds he wants done. It gives him plausible deniability. That’ll sure fool the police. And of course a joyless Mickey mouse arranged operation like this wouldn’t involve the Disney character either. Nope. He wants to keep his paws clean too. It would take someone hAndy to do a job like this. Someone (or ones who mike err might want to take a trip to Cameron (in Africa).

Now here’s something else you need to know. In the dream Fernbrook Resort is an isolated and private community of about 100 (or so) families. Any strangers roaming around are quickly noticed because everyone knows every other one and it’s not a place you arrive at by accident. As well, about half of the community is of retirement age or older. And another quarter of the folks are approaching retirement. Which means that when the robbery takes place, the police know that the perpetrator is likely a resident (or friend of a resident) who is younger and lives in close proximity to the site of the crime.

Pretty weird dream. Right?

Back in reality now. And in reality police are not stupid.

So Rooster might get away with his part in this Mickey mouse operation unless his hAndy friend rats him out. You know the friend I mean, the one who mike err might go to Cameron (in Africa).  

Don’t worry, I’m sure that your kids will visit you in jail.

Can you say cock-a-doodle two to four years with time off for good behavior?

Rooster Gives Lapchicken Lessons in the Art of Love at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Rooster Gives Lapchicken Lessons in the Art of Love at Fernbrook Resort Freelton

In today’s installment of ‘As the Worm Turns’ we learn that young Lapchicken is crushing on an employee of quaint Fernbrook Resort. The girl? She’s one of those girl next door types who we’ll call Noxema (because she resembles one of those beautiful Noxema girls with the perfect skin, complexion etc). Unfortunately, as fate would have it, Noxema’s heart, it beats for someone other than Lapchicken.

So whatever’s been going on in the reciprocation department… quite clearly it’s been the opposite of good for Lapchicken. Which translates as, not so good, ungood or, most simply put, bad. And you don’t need a Chicken to English Dictionary to translate the word bad.

Fortunately all is not lost!

Lapchicken has been receiving love counseling from none other than brave Rooster. And Rooster’s advice? “Tell her that he’s gay,” he crowed referring to Noxema’s beau, “Then she’ll drop him and she’ll be all yours.”

Seriously.

This advice coming from the same beak that allegedly suggested such wonderfully intelligent ideas like ‘dog feces flinging’, ‘dog feces in the garage’ and the very innovative ‘tampering with a washing machine’. If there was a Nobel Prize for advancements in the field of Chicken Intelligence Fernbrook Resort’s Rooster would be an annual nominee.

Just kidding, it wouldn’t stand a chance.

So here are some suggestions for Lapchicken to consider. Though, quite truthfully, I’m no expert when it comes to the fairer sex. Truthfully I have a much better understanding of complex subject matter such as ‘Euclidean Geometry’, ‘Practical Applications of String Theory’, and ‘Keynesian Economics’ than an understanding of women. When it comes to woman I operate on the just do what the woman says and she won’t hurt me rule. Which works just fine. Unless alcohol is involved. But combining alcohol with women is an advanced study. And so a discussion for another time. Anyway, here’re some suggestions for Lapchicken to cluck over when it comes to wooing:

1) Just because a woman is beautiful does not mean that she’s stupid.

The two traits (beauty and intelligence) are mutually exclusive. One has no bearing on the other. Ergo telling beautiful Noxema that her guy is gay… that’s just plain silly. She won’t believe it. Quite honestly “Your boyfriend is gay” is a much worse pick up line than, “Hey baby what’s your sign?” So why not try that as a line instead? If you treat a beautiful woman (or any woman) like she’s stupid than you better hope that she really is stupid. Or else you’re completely screwed. Err… wait a sec… I take that back. You’re not screwed. Definitely not screwed.  

2) Women prefer men over boys

Boys smear dog feces onto garage floors, tamper with washing machines etc. etc. etc. Men don’t. (Roosters aren’t men by the way – they’re a gender of chicken). Only chicken-livered cowards are brave behind their enemies back. Ergo, exploits involving the smearing of dog feces (or similar stupid actions) are not an aphrodisiac to a woman with any modicum of intelligence. It does not attract them. So, once more you’re screwed. Again, figuratively NOT literally

(PS - if you don’t understand this then I’ll FEDEX over a chicken scratch translation later).

But in the meantime here are some suggestions, try flowers, jewelry, a nice card or note, chocola… err… with your history I’d forget that chocolate. At least for the time being. But do you see where this heading?

Cock-a-doodle-Good Luck!

A Rooster, His Lapchicken & New Levels of Pettiness at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton?

A Rooster, His Lapchicken & New Levels of Pettiness at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton?

No! Rooster and Lapchicken are not some new crime fighting duo.

In fact they’re just the opposite, they’re a petty pair of childish troublemakers that are dragging the once good name of Fernbrook Resort through the mud with their puerile actions.

And what was their latest adolescent antic?

Allegedly the pair enjoy playing tricks with the communal washers and dryers used by the Fernbrook Resort community. Such as changing the temperature selectors. I.e if a resident selects hot water they’ll switch it to warm or to cold or to anything other than hot. Or they’ll toss in clothing that is contrary to the washer’s content i.e. coloureds with a load of whites.

What the pair hope to gain or to prove by such silliness is beyond me.

But I don’t know which is more surprising… the fact that a pair of adult aged chickens act worse then a pair of newly hatched chicks… or that somehow the small brained pair actually figured how to manipulate the controls of a device as complicated as a washing machine.

Cock-a-doodle-grow up!

And you don’t need a Chicken to English dictionary to translate that.

Unless you’re a Rooster or a little Lapchicken.

Then you’ll need it spelled out to you.

Using little tiny chicken scratches in the dirt.

Seriously.

I’m not joking.

Chicken scratches in the dirt.

(And quite honestly I wonder if even that simple linguistic rendering might be too taxing for the small brained pair.)

At Fernbrook Resort, Freelton… Fecal Matter Keeps Falling on My Head…

At Fernbrook Resort, Freelton… Fecal Matter Keeps Falling on My Head…

“Fecal matter keeps fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Crying's not for me
Cause I ain't gonna stop the fecal matter by complaining”

(lyrics from ‘Fecal Matter Keeps Falling on My Head’ by B.J. Stool)

Well, I was up on the roof sweeping off the accumulated detritus and what did a find – a fair sized lump of fecal matter. Quite desiccated. But as the roof had been cleaned off many times previously there’s not much doubt where it came from.

NO!

I know what you’re thinking and it’s not aliens. Unless the aliens are Canis lupus familiaris in form and their bodies excrete little grey logs of coprolite.

That’s right… desiccated feces that decorate rooftops can only be a gift of the god’s. Just like rain and snow and sleet. I mean if it can rain cats and dogs (and we step in poodles) then can their feces be far behind? No. So, logically, it had to happen. Their feces had to fall from the sky. Now the origin of the varied ASSortment of little chocolatey logs I keep discovering all over the property make sense. My World is in perfect harmony and order and I can move on now that one of life’s greatest mysteries has been answered.

Cock-a-doodle-thank-you!

Fecal rain, fecal rain
Fecal rain, fecal rain
I only want to see you laughing in the fecal rain

(lyrics from ‘Fecal Rain’ by the Prince of Poo)

Rental Increases, Canada Revenue Agency Audits, Fernbrook Resort, Linwood Parks & Bullying a Chicken

Rental Increases, Canada Revenue Agency Audits, Fernbrook Resort, Linwood Parks & Bullying a Chicken

Well, rental increases are coming to Fernbrook Resort residents.

Not all residents though, just some of the residents... perhaps? some employees have escaped the increase.

Which could be an incredibly expensive mistake for both employees (whether full or part time) who physically reside at Fernbrook Resort but also for their employer.

Why?

Here are the facts…

Clearly a rent can be increased for any tenant as long as it is in accordance with the laws and practices of Ontario.

HOWEVER, if a rent is increased for a resident BUT NOT for a resident who is also an employee (whether full or part time) of Fernbrook Resort that means that the employee’s rent may be below the Fair Market Value (FMV). If an employee receives any benefit from their employer – the benefit in this instance being the difference between the rent they pay and the actual FMV – under Canadian tax law that benefit must be declared by both employer and employee AND the appropriate amounts of tax paid.  

It is estimated that neither the employer or the employees are declaring this benefit or paying the correct amounts of tax as mandated by the laws of Canada. Clearly the Canada Revenue Agency is not aware of this discrepancy. But if they were somehow to become informed of this oversight, here are the expensive problems the employer and their employees are going to face:

- the payroll for Fern Brook Resort Inc. would undergo audit
- Fern Brook Resort Inc. would receive fines, penalties and interest based on their failure to correctly declare employee earnings/benefits on  their T4’s.
- Fernbrook Resort is part of the Linwood Parks chain, Ruth Victor and Associates (etc. etc.) which means that all of the many many parks, the associated companies (etc. etc.) could ALSO undergo payroll audits,
- When a companies payroll is in disarray this is an indication that other tax discrepancies may exist so a general corporate audit is also very likely to be conducted.
- Also, audits can be a very expensive and time consuming process for those targeted by the Canada Revenue Agency. Costing companies a lot of money and valuable employee time.
- any employees who received an untaxed benefit will be reassessed and be forced to pay tax not only on that benefit but also penalties and interest on those undeclared benefits.
- any individual (a corporation is also an individual in this sense) who fails to properly declare income can be subjected not only to regular fines but also to negligence, gross negligence penalties and tax evasion.
- Individuals who are accused of criminal matters (such as tax matters) may not be allowed access to certain countries – like the USA as an example – by nations who don’t want people accused of criminal wrongdoing (let alone actually convicted) walking their streets.  

The CRA could go back and check many years of tax filings meaning a lot of money could possibly be owed both individually by current and former employees (whether full or part time).

But the only way the CRA could find out about these tax discrepancies would be if they were to read this unknown blog. Or if a concerned Canadian were to bring these incidents to their attention.

Now I certainly haven’t mentioned these suspicions to the Canada Revenue Agency. But if someone were to let the CRA know – it would be kind of like bullying the Fernbrook Resort chickens. A little bit of justice for all the folks whom are targeted by bullying chickens.

For Fern Brook Resort Inc. (and its many associated companies) it looks like letting the chickens run the henhouse could turn into an expensive proposition. Quite an expensive proposition indeed.

Arrangements for Murder at Fernbrook Resort Freelton?? (Part II)

Arrangements for Murder at Fernbrook Resort Freelton?? (Part II)

This just in…

…get this… allegedly Rooster Boy has been trolling some of the Grade D chickens of the Fernbrook resort populace. Why? Allegedly Rooster is searching for someone who knows a biker or two looking to earn a little bit of extra cash. And who would be willing to take out some trash. Trash that may or may not be a living and breathing person. (Talk about a Joy-less Mickey mouse arrangement).  

But seriously?

Loudly advertising for a hitman? Or two? That’s just plain stupid! So stupid that it makes those felons on America’s Dumbest Criminals (Tuesday at 9:00 PM Central, 10:00 PM Pacific & Mountain Time) look like Jeopardy contestants (Monday-Friday check your local tv listings).  

Now I’ve never solicited for a murder but after a voluminous study of the case files of one Perry Mason I have learned that when you want someone dead – you don’t go around loudly advertising that you’re looking for a hitman (or hitwoman). Unless you’re a narcissist of course. Then you would do exactly that because you’re much too smart to get caught.

But since you’re bound and determined to advertise that you need help in your alleged murder-for-hire plot, here’s an idea – since your loud crowing can’t attract the desired employee, why not try Craigslist or Kijiji? And to get you started, here’s a template ad for a hitman (or woman) you can use.

                                            (Ad template courtesy of Rooster of Fortune magazine).

                                               ----------------------------------------------
                                                       – Wanted: Hitman or Hitwoman –

I am an equal opportunity employer but as woman are inferior to Roosters (as are all other people but especially woman) women agree to accept a reduced rate.

Mileage reimbursed at 64 cents / kilometer.

Meals: All you can eat Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™

                                              ----------------------------------------------

And don’t forget to include your name, address, home phone and cell numbers in your advertisement – because the law enforcement community is much too dumb to nab a Rooster with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A regular Rooster - Yeah! But you? Not a chance hombre!

Cock-a-Doodle-Right!

(That’s chicken sarcasm for those of you who don’t own a Chicken-to-English dictionary).

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Employee Caught Brown-handed Depositing Dog Feces onto Resident Properties

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Employee Caught Brown-handed Depositing Dog Feces onto Resident Properties

Wow.

Around 11 AM local time Tuesday July 22nd, 2014 a young employee of Fernbrook Resort of Freelton was removing accumulated brush etc. from a neighbor property. Upon completion of the task the employee removed something from the Fernbrook Resort official pick up truck and entered that same neighbor’s open garage, bent down and quickly wiped something onto the surface before chicken-strutting back into the Fernbrook Resort corporate vehicle and leisurely driving off.  

Curious, I walked over to see if something was missing from the neighbor’s garage. Althougn I’m not certain nothing appeared to be missing. Though there was something of an addition. A big smear of freshly manufactured dog feces.

I haven’t seen the neighbor’s yet to tell them.

But the culprit has been caught brown-handed.

If indeed he is the only culprit.

Why?

Well, the feces (whether desiccated or fresh) actually started appearing on property(s) before that brown-handed employee was employed at Fernbrook Resort. So it seems unlikely that he is the sole perpetrator of these fecal crimes.

Coincidentally, who is young Master Brown-hands best friend at Fernbrook Resort?

Well, surprise, surprise, surprise if it isn’t a talking Rooster. And not a regular rooster but a Rooster with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Yeah that’s right – Rooster has tamed himself a little lap dog (or in this case a spineless tiny-brained lap chicken) to do his bidding.

Here’s a question for any reader… Who do you feel sorrier for? A cowardly svengali Rooster who gets his kicks out of petty childish antics? Or Rooster’s simple minded lap chicken who’s easier to manipulate then a pawn on a chessboard. I don’t even want to know.

But you know… perhaps this has the makings of a great Grade B movie... And we’ve already got the title picked out - Fecal Attraction.

An Advertisement for Delicious Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ from Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

An Advertisement for Delicious Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ from Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

So, I’m outside in the yard and Rhode Island Red pulls up in her classy henmobile and begins to unload groceries. Being a little bit of a gentleman (a very little bit) I decided that I would do the gentlemanly thing. Which was an offer to help with the carrying. And of course Red quickly clucked her acceptance to my offer.

Funny thing is, is that on closer inspection her family’s’ entire diet appears to consist entirely of Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ (now with 10% more mealworms). Yeah, that’s right, the contents of every bag and box (as far as I could see) contained nothing but little 2 kilo sacks of Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ (now with 10% more mealworms).

Being a little bit polite (a very little bit) I said, “boy Red that Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ (now with 10% more mealworms) sure looks delicious. Would you mind scattering some of that on the ground for me some time so I could give it a try?”

Quite honestly I was just being polite (just a very little bit) – Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ with or without the extra mealworms have never been staples in our family’s diet. Truthfully we find them to be quite disagreeable. Sorry Purina.

And you would never guess what happened next.

So of course I’ll tell you.

Rhode Island Red begins gabbling unintelligibly (we still don’t have that Chicken-to-English Dictionary) before she flies up to the peak of her double-wide mansion and begins to cackle something that sounded similar to, “Silly boy… Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ is for chickens… its for chickens!”

She crowed this phrase three time in quick succession before she bounced down the roof. Upon reaching the earth she ran off due west in a zig-zag fashion gabbling so loud that, once again, you would think that she was announcing that the sky was falling.

That was two weeks ago and no one has seen her since.

I guess she really likes Purina Instant Rooster Chow ™ (now with 10% more mealworms).

No Guinness Book of World Records Dog Feces Mention - Fernbrook Resort of Freelton Devastated

No Guinness Book of World Records Dog Feces Mention - Fernbrook Resort of Freelton Devastated

You may remember that the other day we mentioned that we’d be contacting the good people over at the Guinness Book of Records regarding the extended period (forty-eight hours) in which dog feces (fresh or desiccated) had not been flung onto our property. A record we both hoped and believed.

So, we called Guinness.

And?

Well, to be perfectly blunt, those folks that compile the records over at Guinness were not impressed. Not in the least. In fact according to Guinness many (who are we kidding, in fact most) families go months, years, decades and entire lifetimes without ever having dog feces deposited by anything other than a stray dog. Accordingly, they do not keep track of such statistics or records. To our great dismay we added no small amount of disbelief – not to the record keeping but to the lack of ‘poo lobbing’.

But the good folks at Guinness responded by stating, “that normal people do not fling feces onto the lawns of neighbors!” and added that in their feeling, “that it probably wasn’t a person at all that was flinging dog feces about.” Before they went on to suggest that in their opinion the perpetrator of the poo flinging was most likely some sort of giant chicken.

That was where the conversation ended.

I did not reveal the fact that not only did we live in the general vicinity of at least one giant chicken but suspected that we had resided for several years among a flock of giant chickens.

Hmmm… I wonder if that might be some kind of record?

Fernbrook Resort of Freelton – Proudly Dog Feces Flinging Free for Forty-Eight Hours

Fernbrook Resort of Freelton – Proudly Dog Feces Flinging Free for Forty-Eight Hours

Guess What? It’s been a little over two days since fresh dog feces has been flung onto the property. And no desiccated or dehydrated feces either.

Maybe the canines around here are completely cleaned out.

I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that their owner(s) were force feeding them excess amounts of food in order to produce such copious amounts of poo (much in the way a French Rooster forces feeds a goose in order to produce an enlarged liver for the production of pate). And the mutts just couldn’t take it any more. They were completely popped out (if you'll pardon the pun). What a relief.

Anyway, I’m phoning those record breaking recorders at Guiness to let them know a record has been set under the category of Dog Feces Flinging Free at Fernbrook Resort. It's in excess of forty-eight hours now. I’m betting that they’ll be impressed. Mighty impressed.

Of course they’ll probably want proof, them being well aware of Fernbrook Resort’s worldwide reputation as a center for the flinging of dog feces. What with that festival they have after all. And those eye catching t-shirts "My parents flung feces at Freelton's Fernbrook Resort and all they got me was this lousy shirt!"

The one problem is… is that it’s easy to prove something that happens… but how do you prove that something did not happen? I.e. no dog feces was flung.

I'll keep you posted.

Fernbrook Resort, Freelton confirms that chickens really do have small brains. Roosters too.

Fernbrook Resort, Freelton confirms that chickens really do have small brains. Roosters too.

Now… when the neighbors heard and then saw that the book and materials being donated to the Fernbrook Resort library were disappearing – some time after the staff received the materials but before they hit the library’s shelves – they decided to stop donating books and materials to the library.

And then after some careful consideration they went one step further.

The neighbors marched down to the Fernbrook Resort library and retrieved those few remaining items they had donated that had not yet been ‘removed from circulation permanently’.

(Of course the term ‘removed from circulation permanently’ is just a polite way of saying that the materials were allegedly stolen).

Anyway, when Rooster found out that the remaining books had been re-obtained by the donors, before he had had a chance to “borrow” them, he began to cluck so loudly you would think that the sky had fallen.

(Borrow of course is just a polite way of saying that the materials were ‘removed from circulation permanently’ – see definition above).

So Rooster complained that he should have just taken everything.

(Taken of course is just a polite way of saying that the materials were borrowed – see definition above).

But then it gets better.

Next Rooster begins gabbling that he should complain to Head Office that the neighbors who took their donated books back were in fact stealing them.

Can you imagine that? How stupid do you have to be to think of following a course of action even stupid that stealing from a library? That’s like phoning the police to complain that you and your partner robbed a bank – and then your partner robbed you of your share. Or complaining to the cops that someone broke into your meth lab and stole all your product. Hello!!! How small does your brain have to be to… to… ????

As God is my witness I can’t even finish a thought as stupid as Rooster’s actions.

Anyway, I guess Rhode Island Red calmed Rooster down. She stuck him in his cage and put a blanket over it. Fooling him into thinking it was night and instantly putting him to sleep.

And of course when Rooster woke up the next morning the thought wasn’t even a memory in his pea sized brain.

But I guess that rumour about the brain size of chickens has been proven true. Can any one say Cock-a-Doodle-Nobel-Prize-for-Science?

On second thought… don’t bother. At Fernbrook resort the prize and prize money would probably just get stolen.

More Fresh Dog Feces From a Secret Admirer at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

Got up this morning, checked the yard after a heavy rainfall, and found, you guessed it, another log of fresh (albeit very soggy) dog feces.

I wonder… do we have a secret admirer? Someone who’s trying to profess their admiration and impress us with presents before they announce their presence? Because I got to tell you Secret Admirer if you’re reading this – dog feces is not an aphrodisiac. Why not try a nice note? Some flowers? Or maybe some chocolates… err… actually you can hold off on the chocolatey treats... at least until we get to know you better.

And if you’re not a secret admirer? Then perhaps you’re a rooster with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and an axe to grind… who needs to grow up. Try it! Growing up is not so tough once you get started.

Flinging dog feces (whether fresh or desiccated) onto the lawns of others simply will not solve the problems that you have.    

In the future, if you or Rhode Island Red have issues with your neighbors, here's a thought... why not invite the object of your rage over for a microwaved bowl of piping hot Purina Instant Rooster Chow (™) to discuss your differences?

That’s what adults do. That’s what women do. That’s what men do.

Until you do that, you’ll always be a chicken you silly cluck!!!

Fresh Feces Flung at Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

I guess that silly cluck who was hiding desiccated dog feces didn’t have the time to dehydrate their dog’s feces.

Or else their Chinese manufactured K-tel food dehydrator broke from overuse.

Is their anything of Chinese manufacture that doesn’t break twelve minutes after the warranty expires?

Anyway, whatever their reason, they changed their game and deposited some freshly manufactured dog
feces to be stepped on.

And of course it was stepped on.

Hmmm… how does planting dog feces, whether desiccated or fresh, solve someone’s problems?

I guess that’s kind of like asking what came first – the chicken… or the egg?  

But here’s something to think about - maybe roosters actually crow cock-a-doodle-poo every morning at the crack of dawn. It’s entirely possible. Of course the only way we’ll know for sure would be to ask one.

I wonder where one can purchase one of those chicken-to-human dictionaries so that chicken clucks can be converted to something understandable?

Thefts and Arrangements for Murder at Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

Well, apparently some neighbors took pity on the poor impoverished state of Fernbrook Resort’s once legendary library and decided to make some donations. Donating boxes of books, VHS tapes, CD’s, DVD’s, magazines and more. Hundreds of materials all totaled.

Big mistake. Why?

Somehow the vast majority of the materials got lost on the way to the library. The staff received the books. But they rarely deposited the donated materials onto the library shelves.

What kind of persons would steal books (and CD’s and DVD’s and VHS tapes and…) donated to a library?

Well, likely it’s not a person at all but a big chicken. A giant a rooster with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Who goes home to the family after a hard day of pilfering from an unguarded library and crows loudly the moment he enters the coop, “I just snagged ‘Water for Elephants’ today” or “Guess who just stole forty issues of Horizon Canada magazine?”

To which his hen clucks, “O! My brave rooster (with Narcissistic Personality Disorder), you’re so smart and daring!! Let me microwave you some Purina Instant Rooster Chow and you can sit down and tell me how so very clever you are!”

Clever. Right. Library materials are free. So stealing from a library is the ultimate in stupid. Who steals something that is free? DOH! This is a pair that won’t be applying to MENSA any time soon.

And how did it become known that the materials were stolen and not merely out on loan? This is where evidence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder comes into play. It is alleged that in one of his explanations for his thefts that rooster bragged, “Books like these are too good for the type of people that live here [a trailer park]”. It is also alleged that rooster crowed loudly to many of his neighbors, “the donors are stupid and should be selling the books instead of donating them.” And finally it is alleged that rooster bragged to all who would listen that he was taking the donated materials from the library and selling them. His hen did ask rooster to stop crowing to everyone about his alleged misdeeds. Kind of like closing the hen house door after the chickens have escaped that.

But statements and actions such as rooster’s are consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Slighting others. Thinking that your better than others. Bragging about crimes because you’re too smart to be arrested. As is openly soliciting the murder of Farmer Fern Brook. But of course because you’re so much smarter then everyone else you would never be caught. Though if you want any joy in your plans then perhaps you shouldn’t make it a Mickey mouse operation.

See you on the News at 11:00 you silly cluck!

Fernbrook Resort of Freelton’s Dog Feces Dumping Festival

Well… quite honestly it’s not really a festival. But it certainly isn’t the Easter Bunny who’s placing little surprises around the yard. Perhaps it’s some strange yet to be discovered creature that’s dropping off little tiny brown logs that are halfway to copralite.

Confused? So are we! Here’s the lowdown.

After a long tough winter, like many of our neighbors our yard was a candidate for federal disaster relief. We worked overtime sprucing it up in an effort to make the gardens and yard of our eyesore of a trailer home more appealing to our holier-than-thou trailer park neighbors. And, finally, after countless hours spent cleaning up, we added a few plants.

And it was around this time that we started discovering dog feces planted around the walk and in the gardens. And it wasn’t just regular dog feces. Nope. This was desiccated dog feces. Now at first we thought that we had just missed a spot or two in our cleaning. But we kept finding more. And, always, in strategic places. Right in the open beside the walk or else right beside a newly planted plant. There was no way that we could have missed cleaning up that much feces.  

That’s when we clued in… someone must be depositing the feces. Sounds paranoid I know but that is the only answer (other than for that strange undiscovered creature that is yet to be named) that we could come up with.

What kind of ‘person’ (notice the quotes) would do such a thing? Who would be so chicken that instead of confronting their neighbor and airing their grievances… instead would stoop so low and plant desiccated dog feces around their neighbor’s property. I wonder, did they purchase one of those K-Tel Food Dehydrators from a late night infomercial and, after they finish dehydrating some grapes and tomatoes for themselves they throw on a side order of dog feces for anonymous delivery to their neighbor? I think if anyone around here offers our family some dehydrated treats that we’ll be taking a pass. You can never be to careful.    

But how do you even respond to persons or people who are so gutless or immature or… or chicken that they deal with their problems by sending their opponents a dish of freshly dehydrated dog feces?

The truth of the matter is, is that you can’t. You never get to face human chickens. You just end up dealing with all their crap. Or their dog’s. If they have one.

Garbage filled residences & Squawking Chickens at Fernbrook Resort Freelton?

Of course you know that the upper class trailer park Fernbrook Resort of Freelton has been featured on Lifestyles of the Vulgar and the Unmannerly where a certain Rhode Island Red can be seen wearing several outfits purchased from Barnum & Bailey’s colourful ‘Circus Clown Couture’ clothing line (available at Dollar Store’s everywhere while supplies last).

Well, that very same Rhode Island Red of a resident has been clucking non-stop to all the Fernbrook Resort hens that at least one of her neighbors is filling their trailer to overflowing with garbage. Her constant high-pitched gabbling, which sets neighborhood dogs to barking and car alarms blaring, has self-righteously revealed that the neighbors in question not only never throw out any trash BUT that they also cull through the neighbor’s refuse on Garbage Eve and Garbage Day. Picking through their valuable waste and hauling it to their trailer home for permanent storage.

As a result of this unproven allegation, which is believed by many of the roasters of Fernbrook Resort, Rhode Island Red and her pudgy metrosexual rooster of a mate (who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are trying to rule the henhouse and have the alleged offenders evicted from exclusive Fernbrook Resort.

“They’re out of here.’ Crows metrosexual rooster boy every morning at the crack of dawn.

“What an embarrassment they are,” clucks Rhode Island Red whenever she sobers up from a binge. “We can’t have those kind of people here! Garbage pickers!! Really!!! Tres embarrassing!!!!”

The funny thing is… is that Rhode Island Red and Rooster Boy do some dumpster diving themselves. Yup. It’s true. And on one dumpster dive they picked up so much trash to bring home that they ordered their little baby chicks out of their sporty hen-mobile and told them they had to walk home. There wasn’t room enough for their fledglings and the trash.

So out the car doors the little chicks flew.

Can you imagine that?

Ordering your kids out of the car because you want to haul some garbage back to your double-wide mansion. Great job! No doubt Bill Cosby will be using a sound parenting tip like that as an example in his next book.

I guess what’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander. I.e. when Rhode Island Red and Rooster Boy garbage pick it’s perfectly acceptable. However when anyone else does it – well let’s just say it’s fowl… errr foul.  

And the moral of the story… well, it’s not really a moral, but maybe this family is lucky that they’re being stalked for eviction by the classless fowls of Freelton’s Fernbrook Resort – would you really want to live next to a family who valued trash more than their kids?

Cock-a-doodle-NO!

Respect, Feckless Bullies and Fernbrook Resort, Freelton

I can't think of any person at Fernbrook Resort who's respect I would want that I don't already have.

And if you think about it... if you don't respect a person or people does it really matter what they think and say?

No. No it does not.

Because the shallow words that the gossips and feckless bullies of Fernbrook Resort utter and say are not an accurate portrait of their targets but rather a picture perfect portrayal of themselves. And who they are as people.

The un-neighborly neighbors of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, Ontario

I want to start off by confirming that, truly, there are some really nice neighbors at Fernbrook Resort of Freelton. Salt of the earth types. Ones who would give you the shirt off their back. If an employee of the resort didn’t steal it first of course. (Now that clothing is mandatory at Fernbrook of Freelton we all wear shirts. And pants too!) Employee pilferage at Fernbrook Resort is a topic for discussion at a later date. But suffice to say that really there are a very few genuinely nice people at Fernbrook. A very few who are pleasant not just to your face… but to your back as well. May God Bless Them!

Now at Fernbrook Resort all 150 of us families are neighbors. Not literally but figuratively. But because our trailers are situated so closely to one another it makes us feel like we’re next door to the other 149 families even though we’re not. Which means that each neighbor knows the business of every other neighbor.

Or at least they presume to.

And when they don’t know thy neighbor’s business?

They feel free to make something up.

That’s right, the majority of the residents of Fernbrook Resort in Freelton are gossips. But not ordinary run of the mill over the back fence gossips. No. these are low-life vicious gossips. Ones, who, instead of asking, assume without knowing the facts or just outright make things up. Horrible things. Just to make themselves feel superior to those who make them feel inferior one would suppose.

Gossips are liars and cowards and bullies. People who lack the courage to face down those they are attacking. So they attack the undefended back instead. It’s like being back in High School again. Except it’s a High School populated by kids aged over fifty years who live in run down trailers. HELLO! You’re living in a rusted trailer with a weed filled yard using a 1952 Ford pick up for a lawn ornament and somehow you think that you’re better then you’re neighbor? Why? Because their lawn ornament is a 1976 Pinto?

Don’t you know that trailer parks are where God situates societies dregs. And that He does this for conveniences sake. Then, when everyone is present and accounted for, God sends forth one of his tornadoes to delete these errors of humanity from the rolls of the living. Kind of like what He did with Sodom and Gomorrah. No doubt one big ‘to-do’ is much easier to arrange then countless numbers of accidents and time consuming illnesses and so forth. With one handy dandy tornado… one quick sweep and the dregs are scattered without trace to the four corners of the earth.    

Maybe that’s why tornadoes are so big these days.

Because trailer parks are always increasing in size.  

Of course I could be wrong. Maybe a trailer park like Fernbrook Resort is really Hell’s doorstep. Purgatory. And God’s giving its residents one last chance to prove that they have even the tiniest little shred of decency or humanity or integrity or kindness or...

And they’re failing the test.

If anyone wants to purchase a rusted trailer with a weed filled yard, a 1976 Pinto as a lawn ornament and a tornado scheduled on God’s calendar of special events then head down to the Fernbrook Resort.

Fernbrook Resort... the unhappiest place on earth?

Once upon a time Fernbrook Resort of Freelton (Hamilton) Ontario, Canada was a renowned nudist colony.

However the former Four Seasons Resort was sold and new mismanagement (sorry - Freudian slip, ahem) management took over.

And the once fashionable resort has been fast tracking it on the lane to 'Whatever happened to... ?' ever since.

Now the new mismanagement err... management quickly changed things - namely the name (rechristened to Fernbrook) and the amount of textiles used to cover a person's body. Where once clothing was optional... it became mandatory.

Which has upset residents to no end.

In fact they were so mad that they considered holding a nude sit in. However this was cancelled due to inclement weather. It never rains at Fernbrook Resort - it only pours. Which, unusally, is a welcome relief. The perepetual black clouds chase away the swarms of bloodsucking black flies that hover continuously over the rapidly running down hill resort. The good fortune of the bad weather also momentarily chases the giant mosquitoes away from Fernbrook Resort of Freelton. But they always return.

However, as a result, the once former nudists are moving out in swarms. And we're not moving out just because of the ban on nudity but also because the new management is letting what was once a well-cared for a well-tended place go to the cats.

Quite literally.

As will be examined in a future post.