In today’s installment of ‘As the Worm Turns’ we learn that young Lapchicken is crushing on an employee of quaint Fernbrook Resort. The girl? She’s one of those girl next door types who we’ll call Noxema (because she resembles one of those beautiful Noxema girls with the perfect skin, complexion etc). Unfortunately, as fate would have it, Noxema’s heart, it beats for someone other than Lapchicken.
So whatever’s been going on in the reciprocation department… quite clearly it’s been the opposite of good for Lapchicken. Which translates as, not so good, ungood or, most simply put, bad. And you don’t need a Chicken to English Dictionary to translate the word bad.
Fortunately all is not lost!
Lapchicken has been receiving love counseling from none other than brave Rooster. And Rooster’s advice? “Tell her that he’s gay,” he crowed referring to Noxema’s beau, “Then she’ll drop him and she’ll be all yours.”
Seriously.
This advice coming from the same beak that allegedly suggested such wonderfully intelligent ideas like ‘dog feces flinging’, ‘dog feces in the garage’ and the very innovative ‘tampering with a washing machine’. If there was a Nobel Prize for advancements in the field of Chicken Intelligence Fernbrook Resort’s Rooster would be an annual nominee.
Just kidding, it wouldn’t stand a chance.
So here are some suggestions for Lapchicken to consider. Though, quite truthfully, I’m no expert when it comes to the fairer sex. Truthfully I have a much better understanding of complex subject matter such as ‘Euclidean Geometry’, ‘Practical Applications of String Theory’, and ‘Keynesian Economics’ than an understanding of women. When it comes to woman I operate on the just do what the woman says and she won’t hurt me rule. Which works just fine. Unless alcohol is involved. But combining alcohol with women is an advanced study. And so a discussion for another time. Anyway, here’re some suggestions for Lapchicken to cluck over when it comes to wooing:
1) Just because a woman is beautiful does not mean that she’s stupid.
The two traits (beauty and intelligence) are mutually exclusive. One has no bearing on the other. Ergo telling beautiful Noxema that her guy is gay… that’s just plain silly. She won’t believe it. Quite honestly “Your boyfriend is gay” is a much worse pick up line than, “Hey baby what’s your sign?” So why not try that as a line instead? If you treat a beautiful woman (or any woman) like she’s stupid than you better hope that she really is stupid. Or else you’re completely screwed. Err… wait a sec… I take that back. You’re not screwed. Definitely not screwed.
2) Women prefer men over boys
Boys smear dog feces onto garage floors, tamper with washing machines etc. etc. etc. Men don’t. (Roosters aren’t men by the way – they’re a gender of chicken). Only chicken-livered cowards are brave behind their enemies back. Ergo, exploits involving the smearing of dog feces (or similar stupid actions) are not an aphrodisiac to a woman with any modicum of intelligence. It does not attract them. So, once more you’re screwed. Again, figuratively NOT literally
(PS - if you don’t understand this then I’ll FEDEX over a chicken scratch translation later).
But in the meantime here are some suggestions, try flowers, jewelry, a nice card or note, chocola… err… with your history I’d forget that chocolate. At least for the time being. But do you see where this heading?
Cock-a-doodle-Good Luck!
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